Friday, January 16, 2009

Worst Mom Of The Year

WARNING: What you are about to read may upset you and cause you to think lesser of me. Viewer discretion is advised. Not recommended for small children or perfect parents.

I've done it again, I've solidified my running for the Worst Mother of the Year. Up until now, my nomination was pretty strong with entries like forgetting to pick up the kids from school on an early out day, refusing to participate in the PTA, and other various offenses such as occasionally sending them to bed without making sure they have brushed their teeth. I know the horror right?!? But last night, I sealed the deal and made sure that my nomination would take the prize.

Let me paint you a picture. I came home from work Thursday night, and just didn't feel good so was trying to relax on the couch. I had given the kids the assignment of cleaning their rooms hoping that would occupy them while I took a nap and besides their rooms needed it. From the moment I got home all I heard was whining and fighting. Love it. The boys were especially getting on my nerves with their constant play by plays of "Ryder said......" or "Blade threw a toy at me" (imagine that in high pitch whiny tones). HELLO people Mommy is on break, OSHA says I'm entitled to one.

Anyway, after the 1003th time that the boys came out with reports of fighting I had had enough. Having tried everything else it was time to get 'em where it hurts.

I instructed them both to join me in the living room and sit on the couch side by side. This is when it got really good. I gave them a lecture about the joys of brotherhood (as if I know I had 2 sisters) and then made them HOLD HANDS. Then I told them that they were going to sit right there on the couch holding hands as many minutes as their ages combined which is 11, but math is not one of my strong suits so I set the kitchen timer for 12 minutes. After returning to the living room after setting the timer they had "unheld" hands, which added 1 minute to the timer. Every time I caught them not connected I added a minute. As you can imagine this was pure torture to 5 & 6 year old boys. Oh man, if looks could kill I'd have been a goner. After they did the time, 15 minutes total, I gave them a nice Sunday School lesson about how Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery but years later when they needed food he forgave them. And that if Joseph could forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery that they could certainly get over their minor offenses against each other and forgive each other or I would sell them both into slavery. Just kidding DHS! And then because I'm an overachiever I made them give each other a nice big hug. Ahhh brotherly love.
Neither of them enjoyed the exercise and I'm pretty sure that when I was out of the room they were discussing adding this to my nomination for above mentioned title. However, I do have to say that after their 15 minutes of togetherness there wasn't any fighting the rest of the evening. Every time either of them started getting the fighting tone I reminded them of their little couch fun and their attitude miraculously and immediately improved.

I'd just like to take a moment to thank the academy, my fans and most of all my children who nominated me for this award. I'm honored to accept the Worst Mother of the Year award, unlike the Mother of the Year award it doesn't come with a trophy which is fine by me, I don't need another thing to dust.

If you need parenting tips let me know, I don't charge much.


  1. I know EVERY mom is in the running for that award at least once a week~or maybe it's once a day??

  2. Worst mom? Yeah right! That was brilliant. I'm taking notes... :)

  3. Oh~that is by far the opposite of Worst Mom Of The Year~that would be up for the running of a Best Mom Award Nominated By Other Moms~if only I could pull that off with my 14 & 4 year old!!