Thursday, February 28, 2013

February Finale

I made it!  February, my least favorite month of the year is OVER.  And you know what?  As much as I dread it, despise it, and generally it went straight from to March, this February wasn't so bad.  Since I've been SUCH a fabulous blogger this month (not) how about a recap?  Get comfortable you could be here awhile. 

Feb 1-the #1 reason February is not my favorite and also the #1 reason February is not so bad.  This marked the 14th anniversary (the word anniversary seems so wrong but i'm not sure what else to call it) unexpected and tragic death.  She died upon impact in a car accident on Monday morning, February 1st, 1999 aka WORST. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE. Some years it doesn't phase me too much and some years it completely knocks the wind out of me and I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning.  Luckily, I have a very good reason to get out of bed on 2/1 because Friday, February 1st 2002 was one of the BEST days of my life.  The day my spunky, handsome, witty, amazing Blade was born.  I am still amazed how that worked out.  Anyway, this year it fell on a Friday so I decided to take the day off and spend the day doing awesome things so as not to be sitting in my quiet office at work dwelling on it.  I kicked my day o' fun off with breakfast with one of my favorite feel good people, my girl Jessie.  We've been each other's sounding board through some really difficult things over the years but we can always ALWAYS make each other laugh and have a good time.  It had to be Jessie on this day.  :)   Breakfast did not disappoint and neither did the little shopping trip we made to the resale shop next door.  Perfect fitting $78 "Silver" jeans with the tags still on them for $4.00?!?  YES, please.  I like to think that was a little gift from heaven from my mama.  She always loved a bargain.  Once Jessie and I said our goodbyes I went to town and did a little more shopping...for shoes...(it's what my mom would've wanted, I assure you) I went home to prepare for the big event of the day..."Llama Show and Tell".  Ryder had gotten a "pet pass" from his teacher for good behavior early in January and immediately decided he didn't want to bring a boring ol' dog or cat, NOOOOOO, he insisted on bringing Boise the Llama.  So I emailed his teacher and we got it scheduled for 2/1 since I was going to be off work that day anyway.  At first I was going to load Boise and take him to the school by himself but THANKFULLY, FORTUNATELY, PRAISE JESUS, that morning it worked out that GI Joe could come home early to help.  When I pulled in the driveway I found GI Joe and Boise walking around the front yard.  No lead rope or anything just strolling.  He was trying to get Boise to just walk on in the horse trailer that we had brought up to the driveway but as soon as Boise would get close to it he'd turn and go the other direction.  We don't often take him on daytrips you see, so it was kinda scary for him.  We eventually got the lead rope and halter on him and tried to "lead" aka pull on the lead rope with all our might to get him into the horse trailer.  GI JOe got in the horse trailer and was pulling him in and I was behind Boise on the outside of the horse trailer trying to push him in.  Picture that in your head.  Yeah, it looked just like that, probably funnier.  Where's Candid Camera when you need them?  We eventually got him loaded when I picked up his back hoof and put it up into the horse trailer and then leaned on his booty with all my might to keep him from stepping back down.  It was my cardio workout for the day.  So we got him loaded, filled a bucket with sweet feeds for the kids to feed him, got some hay for him, and headed down to the school llama filled horse trailer in tow.  Obviously, we weren't going to take him IN to the school but instead parked as close to the building as we could (right where the carpool lane is as soon as the bell rings) and waited for Ryder's class to come out to us.  We waited...and waited...and waited.  And nothing.  OH and it was COLD that day.  Finally I went inside to the administration office and asked the secretary to call the teacher to let her know "the llama is here".  She looked at me as you can imagine so I repeated myself and told her "it's fine, she's expecting me and my llama can you just let her know we're here and we're parked by the little gym?" If I didn't have a reputation as a crazy person before I do now!  Finally, the class came out to see the llama.  We kept Boise in the horse trailer, you know for safety and poop's sake, and just had the door open and the bar down so the kids could see him and pet him but he couldn't go anywhere.  Everything was going fine and good and the kids were having a blast petting a "REAL LIVE LLAMA!" and asking all kinds of llama questions that Ryder faked knowing the answer to, ex:  "Ryder, how much does he weigh?"  Ryder:  "Oh about 900 pounds" (umm not quite try 300).  UNTIL Boise decided he wanted OUT.  He reared up on 2 legs, all 900 300 pounds 12 feet 3 6 feet 5 inches of him and tried to jump over the bar of the horse trailer to be amongst or on top of, whatever..same diff, the crowd of 24 kids standing outside of it.  Chaos ensued.  Kids screaming, a teacher trying to calm the kids while hiding her terror, and a very helpful blonde who just stood there saying "ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodness."  But have no fear, GI Joe was here and quickly wrestled Boise back into the horse trailer before any small children were trampled.  Can you even imagine if he'd gotten loose and been running around the parking lot when it was time for carpool pickup.  "Oh look there's a llama on the loose in the school parking lot.  What have the Koons done this time?!?"  Or the headline on the 5:00 news.  Here's photographic proof that it really was a successful llama show and tell. 
Also, only in a hicktown. 
Ryder says it was the BEST DAY OF SCHOOL EVER. Obviously.  The following week though an announcement was made that there would be no more pets allowed for show and tell.  Some say it's because of the wild llama that almost escaped and trampled a class of 4th graders but others say it's because of the dog that someone else brought in that pooped all over the lunch room.  My money's on the pooping dog. 

Another highlight of February besides Llama Show and Tell, was Bacon Fest.  GI Joe's dream come true.  We went with our friends (GI Joe's brofriend) John and Trisha and John's mom and stepdad.  And 4 hours later we left bacon drunk out of our minds.  Bacon drunk is where you are delirious from bacon consumption and can also basically feel your blood pressure rising and your arteries hardening.  It was delightful.  No seriously, it was so much fun and we ate SO. MUCH. BACON. and bacon related items such as Bacon Bourbon Maple Pecan Ice Cream and Bacon Cheese Rangoons and Bacon Guacamole.  We went on Saturday and it was Monday afternoon before I had an appetite at all.  GI Joe and John were like little kids on Christmas morning, it was adorable. 

And in honor of bacon..THIS.

Do you think it would be weird, wrong, inappropriate, etc to frame this and put it in my kitchen?  Good, me either. 

Then there was Valentine's Day when a gun. 

A pretty pink camo gun that shoots REAL bullets that could actually hurt something.  And by something I mean an oppossum or an intruder who was breaking in our house trying to steal my shoes or my NKOTB memorabilia when GI Joe is away at training or playing Army or whathaveyou.  I'm in love, this was one of the best presents he's ever given me.  I mean, nothing says romance and love like a pink camo gun amiright?  I may have already gone through 97 bullets (target practice, no shoe stealers or possums have been injured...yet) so I called Scheel's to ask when they would be getting more bullets for my gun because as you may or may not be aware ammo is in HIGH demand right now.  (If only my 15 year old self could see me now.) And that makes me mad because I'm practicing to be a sharpshooter over here.  I mean I was THIS close to a bullseye! 
I feel like such a bad mamajama being able to load, lock,  and shoot my very own pink gun.  What a rush.  As a sidenote:  said adrenaline rush could possibly lead to driving at excessive speeds (apparently 72 mph in a 55mph or was it 45mph?) down the highway afterwards therefore earning yourself not a sharpshooter badge but instead a $180 ticket that no amount of lipgloss can lessen.  Or so I've heard. 

Also in February we had a surprise party for my Grandpa's 90th birthday.  Which is nice and all but is surprising a 90 year old man with a weak heart a good idea?  Or feeding him 3 Musketeers cupcakes with a side of insulin?  No matter, it was a great time and so thankful he's still with us and relatively healthy...or he was..pre party. 

In other news, Dakota went to a dance...with a boy.  Except not really "with" a boy because they're in 7th grade and it's not like he drove to our house to pick her up, at that age it's more about hanging out with each other once your parents drop you off at the dance.  Except once at the dance the boy didn't actually talk to her..not even a little.  I guess that's to be expected when he asked her via email a few weeks prior and her response was "sure whatever."  Maybe that wasn't the level of enthusiasm he was seeking?  No matter that minor detail didn't seem to phase her at all, she still had fun with her friends and I got to dress her up and put makeup on her amidst her protests.  Although for weeks I thought the dance was on Saturday night so imagine my surprise when I walked in the door at 6:30 on Friday night and she asked me what time the dance started because apparently it was on FRIDAY NIGHT.  Ever wondered how Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood do those super fast costume/hair/makeup changes at their shows?  NOw I know.  And I'm happy to report I dropped her off at exactly 7:08.  Not too shabby. 

I could go on and on because overall February actually turned out to be a pretty fantastic month. 

Have a great weekend!!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Monday Moose Mischief

I've mentioned before that our dog Moose is basically a perfect dog (gentle, sweet, housebroken as in can go 15 hours without an accident in the house!, patient, etc) except for his insatiable appetite and penchant for sweets (hello entire German chocolate cake).  We try to keep our countertops and table clear of any temptation when we leave the house.  Not because we're worried about his digestive system, nope that has proven to be made of steel, but moreso when we have food and treats and such WE prefer to eat them instead of you know, our 100 pound Lab enjoying them all.  We do have fruit and a cookie jar with a lid on our island because that's always been a safe zone.  Mainly because in Moose's old age (all of 7) it's way too much work for him to try to stand up on his hind legs and try to reach the middle of the island.

A few months back someone forwarded me a hilarious email with "dog shaming" where dogs were pictured with signs in front of whatever damage or mischief they had gotten into.  As luck would have it that very night Moose got into a little mischief of his own.  So I shamed him for all of facebook to see. 
 I warned him then that any further indiscretions on his part would result in this punishment.  GI Joe has given each of our dogs "voices"  (next time you see GI Joe you should totally ask him to do our dogs' voices for you it's HILARIOUS) and Moose has an Eeyore voice and I imagine that in his Eeyore voice Moose said, "Ohhhhh OOOOOKKKKKK." 

But then today we came home from church and discovered that he'd helped himself to a full, unopened bag of Hershey kisses that were in a decorative bin in the middle of our kitchen island.  So as promised I shamed him again. 

"I ate an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses.  Hey, that's what they get for not giving me a Valentine!" 

He DOES look kind of ashamed but I think it's more because he's ashamed he left evidence and got caught!  He's getting lazy in his old age and left a few tiny remnants and the bag.  In his prime he would've destroyed aka eaten the bag AND the wrappers so we wouldn't have any proof.  Yes, he ate an entire bag of Hershey kisses AND all but 3 of their foil wrappers.  And no, he hasn't had any digestive troubles because of it.  Stomach of steel I tell you. 

I never should've insisted on a CHOCOLATE lab. 

Happy Monday!!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Valentine's Day Koons Zoo Style

This year, since we’re nearing the end of our elementary career (waaaaa!) and subsequent Valentine’s Day parties, I decided the kids needed to kick the quality of our Valentines giving up a notch.   Every other year, we’ve shopped in the Valentine’s aisle at Target or Wal Mart (don’t judge me) until they picked out the “perfect’ Valentine’s (usually just a few days before, I’m keeping it real here) and sometimes if I were lucky they would be the ones with candy already attached ie:  Fun Dips Valentines..score!  But this year, we decided to do them up Koons Zoo style.  I mean after all, we are surrounded by perfect photo props.  So I took my camera and got to work.  Watch and learn my friends.  This is how we do it.  And by "it" I mean get ourselves on the "crazy parent watch list."  No matter, I'm sure we were already there.  

It had to be his pug.  This one could not have been easier.  Also, ugliest/cutest dog ever?  I think yes. 

Given that he just took this guy for show and tell, it was only fitting that his Valentine feature Boise the Llama.  As it turns out though, not many lovey dovey Valentiney (totally a word) words rhyme with llama so we had to get creative.  This one cracks me up.  Can you imagine all the lockers that will have this mug taped to the inside of them after tomorrow?  He's so photogenic.  And most likely the only llama ever to be featured on a Valentine's Day card.   

While they don't have class parties anymore in 7th grade, Dakota wanted to hand some out to her close friends.  We made up little goody bags full of muddy buddies puppy kitty chow to go with these.  If you know Dakota in real life then you know these could not be more appropriate.  Homegirl has serious crazy cat lady tendencies.  Her friends are going to get a kick out of these for sure. 

So there you have it, our homegrown Valentines.  I took the photos and these are not paid animal actors these are actual members of the Koons Zoo.  If you would like to borrow a llama or a pug so you can do similar Valentines next year you just let me know and for the low low price of $19.99 ONE MILLLLLLLLLION DOLLARS I just may let you.  :)

Happy Valentine's Day!  I hope your day is filled with pugs, kisses, llamas, and cats or just chocolate and flowers if that's more your style.  Personally, I'm hoping THIS is gonna be the year I wake up to find a zebra in the barnyard with a big hot pink bow around it's neck.  A girl can dream right?  ;)