Thursday, January 27, 2011

Captain No Underpants

The other day after school, Ryder came running in to tattle tell me some important information.  I could tell it was going to be a big deal by how wide eyed and  out of breath he was. 
Ryder like a Russian spy about to divulge the nation's top secrets:  "Mommy, BLADE DIDN'T WEAR UNDERWEAR TO SCHOOL TODAY!!!" clearly anticipating Blade's swift and harsh punishment.
Me:  "Umm what?  Blaaaaaaaaaadddddddddeeeeeeee come here please!!!"
Blade:  "What Mommy?"
Me:  "Did you wear underwear to school today?"
Blade, looking sheepishly (and adorable):  "No.  You guys didn't lay any out for me so I forgot."
Me:  "Really?  You didn't think about walking over to your dresser and getting your own underwear out?"
Blade:  "I forgot."
Me:  "Oh yeah I do that all the time, forget to wear underwear..NOT REALLY.  You wore jeans today wasn't it a little um..uncomfortable?"
Blade:  "Nah I just pretended I had on really thin underwear."

Me:  "Oh well that makes perfect sense then, glad it worked. I'd hate for you to chafe. You're a goof.  Now go put some underwear on before we go to church Captain Commando."
Ryder:  "What does chafe mean?"
Me:  "When your skin gets sore from rubbing against your clothes."
Ryder:  "Blade did you CHAFE?!?"
Blade, inspecting the anatomy in question:  "No I'm fine.  What's commando mean?"
Me:  "THat's a relief.  It means when someone doesn't wear underwear.  Let's shoot for Captain Underpants instead though."
Blade giggling:  "OK I'll go put on underwear."
Me:  "Good, and we'll try to remember to lay out your underwear so you don't "forget" again."

Look at all the life lessons I just taught them about chafing and going commando.  Gotta remember to put that on my Mother of the Year nomination. 

Because I happen to love to dress my kids and am relishing this tiny window of opportunity where I can get away with picking out their clothes daily, I've created monsters.  Pantsless monsters.

All I know is that it's gonna be a little awkward when he goes off to college and I have to call him every morning to remind him to WEAR HIS UNDERWEAR SO HE DOESN'T CHAFE.

That's the kind of mom I am, the kind that wants nothing more for her sons than to wear underwear and avoid chafing.   

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Oprah's Book Club...PP Style

Was anyone else disappointed by the “core shaking announcement” Oprah made recently? C’mon a half sister? That’s all ya got? I really thought she was going to “come out” and finally fess up that the whole Stedman thing is a farce and that her heart actually belongs to Gayle. Now THAT would’ve been core shaking…or not. Because let’s be honest, doesn’t everyone already think that anyway?

So I’m channeling Oprah today, minus the core shaking. Although speaking of cores, mine is pretty shaken up but not by Oprah but by Jillian. I finally cracked open “Jillian’s 6 Pack in 6 Weeks” dvd and have decided 2 things. 1) Jillian and I could never, ever EVER be friends. She’s evil. 2) Having a 6 pack just might be overrated. I’m thinking I’d get more use and emotional enjoyment out of a 6 pack of Reese’s eggs because really am I ever going to whip up my shirt in a bar and bounce things off of my hardened abs? The answer is no, no I’m not, for a lot of reasons. I’m still doing the workout but not because I think I’m going to have abs like Janet (Miss Jackson if you’re nasty) but because I don’t ever want to have to face that uncomfortable silence that follows when someone points to an expanding waistline and innocently asks when the baby is due. That hasn’t happened but I have a feeling that Reese’s eggs + the darn aging process + not working out=ever expanding waistline aka awkward pregnancy questions. So I’m being proactive or just active. And it may be the death of me, but when I die an early ab workout induced death, please bury me in a midriff NKOTB shirt and a side ponytail with a fluorescent pink scrunchie, but only if the ab workout actually worked. Thank you for your cooperation.


I have a new boyfriend. He’s handsome and black. Apparently what they say is true, once you go black you can’t go back. Settle down I’m only kidding.

His name is Ken. Believe it or not, GI Joe set us up. I know, I know, we’re so “modern.”
And with GI Joe’s crazed schedule as of late, Ken is pretty much his fill in and is with me all the time.

You had no idea when you checked the blog today that you were going to get such a scandalous confession did you?

Meet Ken.

I am deeply in love with Ken.

Since Ken came into my life on Christmas Day, I’ve been on a mad reading spree. He’s just so convenient and easy to carry around. In between matches at wrestling tournaments? I’ve got Ken. Waiting for Dakota at piano lessons? Ken’s there. After the kids are in bed, waiting for GI Joe to get home? Ken and I cuddle up on the couch.

Here are some books I’ve read recently either on Ken or pre Ken (those were dark days, so glad they’re behind me.) I’m always interested to know what others are reading so thought I’d share some of my recent reads with you. If you are someone who thinks that people who read books are “nerds” (ahem..Annette) then feel free to check back another day for a more tantalizing post. If not, read on. Also, I have to admit that I’m easily influenced in my reading choices by peer pressure, blogs, and the NY Times Bestseller list, oh and whether or not it’s free or cheap for the Kindle on Amazon. Clearly, I’m a deep literary scholar and you should trust me on book choices.

“Hunger Games”-I’d seen this mentioned on quite a few blogs as a must read, then saw it on the NY Times Bestseller list AND it was only like $5.00 on Amazon so..SOLD. It’s touted as Young Adult fiction which is great because that means little to no language or smut scenes but it still appealed to the adult crowd because of the characters and plot. I didn’t know much about the book when I loaded it on to Ken so just dove right in. You guys, this book was A-MAZING. And it’s not my typical type of book. I don’t really know how to describe it except that it was thought provoking, action packed, scary, a little bit futuristic and just sucked me in and I could not put it down. This is one of those books that as you’re reading it you’re casting the movie and envisioning how it will look on the big screen. Word on the street is that it IS being made into a movie, which I’ll have to see immediately upon release and then will be violently angry because they didn’t follow the script in my head. This was the first book in a series of 3 and I will be reading the next 2 books very shortly. I loved this book. I really need someone else to read it ASAP so we can discuss it in depth. Mmkay? Thanks.

“The Help”-this was a pre Ken read and actually the fact that I read it over the summer and am still enamored by it and even remember it, should be testament to it’s greatness. This book made me want to move to the Deep South , hire some “help” , serve them sweet tea and beg them to tell me their stories while I wait on them hand and foot. In a way it kinda made me ashamed to be white. Take that as you may but white people in the south in the 50’s and 60’s? Not so much our finest representation, just sayin’. This book has had quite the buzz for a long time now, and I’m probably late to the party, but if you haven’t read this book, do it. And don’t be put off by the boring cover as I was at first. Yes, I’m shallow like that, if the cover and the summary on the back don’t grab me I sometimes dread reading a book and that’s how I felt about this book at first. But then I put my issues aside and dove in. Am I ever glad I did. This book is probably one of my favorite books of all time.

“Same Kind of Different As Me”-this was another pre Ken read, even before “The Help.” I’m the type of person who reads a ton of books but rarely retains much about them once I’m done with them. So to make a lasting impression on me means a book was pretty spectacular. And that’s exactly what this book did. This book makes you stop and think, makes you want to be a better person, and puts things in perspective. If all that made you think it’s a self help book, don’t worry it’s not. It’s just an amazing true story about a wealthy man in TX and his unlikely life changing friendship with a homeless black man. Powerful stuff. This book made me want to drive around downtown, looking for a homeless man to befriend. This just might be my #1 Favorite Book of all time. For realz.

“Oogy”-I’m a sucker for animal stories, especially dog stories. This one is great. It’s no “Marley and Me” which was fine by me, because really my heart couldn’t handle another Marley story. Hand over the tissues. But this book is in the ballpark. You will fall in love with this dog and want to adopt him. But you can’t because he is (spoiler alert) still alive and in a very happy, loving home. Oogy, the dog in this book, reminded me so much of our very own Bubba with his near death experiences and rescue. I thought it could’ve been written a little better (because I’m such an expert author and all) but overall it’s a feel good, heartwarming story once you get over the being irate about the stupid people in the world who hurt animals part. I heart Oogy.

“A Thousand Tomorrows”-Karen Kingsbury is one of my favorite authors when I just need a quick, uplifting, inspirational read. Her books typically have common thread of people falling in love, overcoming obstacles or tragedy and then living happily ever after. OK, so maybe not that predictable and she is good at keeping it fresh and really in her defense she is an inspirational fiction writer so that is what she’s supposed to do. This book was different from any other KK (I call her KK cuz we’re tight like that) I’ve read in it’s characters, it’s setting, and even the storyline. I rather enjoyed it and can’t wait to dive into the next one in the series, because KK always writes in series. Also, I want to be a rodeo queen, that is all.

“The Walk”-My friend Dougie D. and I call ourselves book nerds and are constantly handing off books to each other. This is one of the authors that we both read a lot of and have deep, intellectual aka nerdy  “book discussions” about. It’s ok, it’s cool to be a book nerd. Doug gave me this book to read as soon as he got done reading it because he needed to discuss it with someone. I can see why. This book made me happy and frustrated me to no end all at the same time. It’s reflective, heart breaking, and did I mention FRUSTRATING?!? Uggh, I’m so mixed on this. Dougie liked it better than I did that's because he's a much nicer, more patient person than I am.  I wanted to write Mr. Richard Paul Evans and be like, “DUDE were you in a hurry to finish the book so you could go on vacation or what? Because it seemed like you checked out about ¾ of the way through.” Rumor has it that there may be a sequel and all I can say to that he was well rested from his vacation so he actually FINISHES THE BOOK THIS TIME. I’ll read it of course and report back.

And now I’m going to give everyone in the audience a brand new car!!! Yay! Oh oops, I’m not really Oprah.

On my to be read list: “Water for Elephants” by Sara Gruen, “Saving CeCe Honeycutt” by Beth Hoffman, “Mystic Lake” by Kristin Hannah, “Nineteen Minutes” by Jodi Piccoult, Paula Deen's autobiography because she's my hero, and some classics that I should’ve paid more attention to when Mr. Horn made us read them in high school English class. Sorry Mr. H. but look at me now I’m a real live BLOGGER! You must be so proud!

How about you? What are you reading or what recommendations do you have for me?

Talk nerdy to me.

*Amazon did not pay me to talk lovingly about Ken, although they should.  Sadly, they only know I exist from the number of Kindle downloads I've had in the past month. So Amazon if you're reading this call me, we'll work something out.   

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bedtime Prayers

In our house, prayers are said by the kids (and us too) every night before bed. I’ve decided I’m going to write a book called “Prayers from the Prairie Punks” full of excerpts from these prayers because oh my, pure comedic genius, and unintentional which makes it even better.

Ryder definitely inherited the “preacher genes” from his grandpas because his prayers are lengthy and winded and sometimes people doze off during them. No offense Dad and FIL. He thanks God for everything from the puzzle he put together yesterday to his friends to Holy Cow and the rest of the barnyard animals to his Pillow Pet to the supper he ate “cept for that gross stuff that Mommy ruined with mushrooms”. He’s more about the thank you’s than the requests which is refreshing. And in his sweet little Mickey Mouse voice? I’m a goner.

Blade on the other hand is more a man of few words. As he told me the other night, “God already knows what I’m going to say so why should I say it again out loud so you all can hear it?” Oh brother.

And Dakota falls somewhere in the middle, depending on the events of the day and the current temperature. For example, if it’s super cold outside she’ll spend a good 5 minutes praying for her outside kitties and animals that they are kept safe and warm and that the coyotes stay away and on and on and on and on……..Then she’ll gloss over her family, friends, blah blah blah and revisit the safety of the cats just in case God forgot in the 30 seconds she changed the subject.

Here are some excerpts that have had me muffling my laughter during bedtime prayers.

Blade: “Thank you for red gummy bears and for Dexter, my pug. Amen.” I’m sure God appreciates the clarification that he was referring to Dexter the pug and NOT Dexter the serial killer on FOX.

Dakota: “Thank you for 4H and for letting me learn lots about chickens and poultry. And help that one little chicken we have that I want to show win lots of ribbons.”

Ryder: “Thank for you the holidays.” One might think this was said during the Christmas season but alas this one just came up within the last week. By holidays I’m guessing he meant Christmas, his birthday and any other day that means they get the day off of school ie: MLK Day. Which coincidentally was the day he said this particular prayer.

Dakota: “Dear Jesus, Help Blade and Ryder to get better attitudes and to not play with my DS and make me lose my Pokemon.” God deals in Pokemon obviously. Also, isn’t there something about “getting the plank out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in someone else’s?” Just food for thought there Miss Dakota.

And last night’s hot topic?

All 3 (in various forms): “Thank for you Mommy NOT getting a ticket tonight and Dear Jesus, help Mommy to SLOW down.”


Monday, January 24, 2011

Oops I Did It Again

and unlike Britney, I'm not talking about playing with your heart or getting lost in the game. 

(And now you'll have Britney Spears stuck in your head all're welcome.)

I'm talking about getting pulled over...again.  It's becoming increasingly obvious that the PMobile is a cop magnet.  No, it has nothing to do with the operator of said vehicle, it's purely the vehicle. 

Or not.

Tonight, a Monday night, my least favorite night of the week because it involves chauffering kids to 123 different activities and locations, and I am unable to change into my PJ's and slipper socks until well after 7:30 which is completely UNACCEPTABLE, I got pulled over. 

I happened to be talking to my sister Hilary on the phone while driving down a lonesome stretch of a back country highway to take Dakota to piano lessons, not really paying attention to my speed but it felt slow enough, when I saw the State Patrol car coming toward me in the opposite lane.  Of course I noticed too late and saw the flashing as he quickly did a U turn so he could come say hi to me.  The good news is that I had time to slyly put on my seat belt (buckle up for safety, buckle up! perhaps I should've done that when I got IN the car instead of as I was being pulled over..minor details.)  The bad news is that I did NOT have time to reapply lip gloss.  No lip gloss when being pulled over?  Uh oh this was not good.  I pulled over and patiently waited for my sentencing.  Dakota and Ryder were in the backseat providing commentary such as, "Oh boy here we go again," and "What did you do now?"  and "Wonder how much it's gonna cost you THIS time".  Children are such a joy aren't they? 
The nice officer came to my window and asked for the usual.  Happy to oblige I handed everything over to him.  This wasn't my first rodeo if you know what I'm saying.  Except he quickly handed me back what I thought was my license and said, "Don't need this I already have a Costco membership, let's try that again."  Apparently, my Costco membership is NOT interchangeable with my license.  Oops.  I dug out my real license and handed it to him.  He then told me why I had been pulled over which was good because I thought maybe he just wanted to say "heeeeeey."  He asked me if I was aware that I was speeding and mentioned that I may not have noticed my speed since I was on the phone.  Uh oh busted.  He then informed me that I had been travelling 63 mph in a 55 mph zone and also that my rear left brake light was out.  I probably let out an audible sigh of relief because only 8 mph over the speed limit?  I am slowing down in my old age.  No mention of my lack of seatbelt or scolding for talking on my phone.  I humbly admitted my wrong doing and that yes, I probably didn't realize my foot had gotten a little heavy on the gas since I was talking on the phone and apologized.  He then took my information and went back to do his thing in his car and I took the opportunity to apply lipgloss..obviously.
If there were a comment card to fill out for the service provided by the Iowa State Patrol I would definitely give this guy high marks for his efficientness (if that's even a word).  He was so quick.  Maybe because he went back, typed in my info, saw my spotless record and what a law abiding citizen I am, and decided there were bigger fish to fry, hardened criminals to catch and to let this innocent chauffeur mom off the hook.  He came back to my window, handed me my information and then a nice big WARNING and told me to have a good night.  A warning ya'll!!!!!!  THAT'S what I'm talking about.  Lipgloss optional, and frankly I didn't know that could even be done.  And we still made it to piano lessons on time.  Talk about speedy, er....great service! 

My recent string of bad luck just might be broken, just like my brake light. 

Roll on highway roll on. 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

When Life Gives You Lemons...

When life gives you lemons, make pink lemonade..obviously.

And then pour a big glass of it to drink while you drive your son to wrestling practice.

Then before you walk your son into practice, unknowingly toss your phone into your big glass of lemonade.

When you get back in the car after dropping him off, take a big swig of lemonade, only to get hit square in the mouth with your cell phone....swimming in pink lemonade. 

Fish aforementioned phone out of lemonade and transfer to a container of rice because apparently that absorbs the moisture.

Hope for the best.

Rice-a-phonie anyone? 

Monday, January 17, 2011

Happy T-ewe-sday

Happy T-ewe-sday.  Get it she's a ewe which sounds like the "ue" in Tuesday?!?  Aren't you glad I spelled that out for you so clearly.   Definitely one of my finer moments.  Also, doesn't it look like she's smiling?

There are few things I love in life like I love alliteration, rhyming, and play on words.  Hence my blog name Hillbilly Hilarity, my pen name Prairie Princess, and my cow, Holy, as in HOLY COW!  GET IT?!?  And I just cracked myself up.  At least I spared you the rhymes. 

Here a few Tuesday Tidbits for you (see how I just can't resist being swayed by the powers of alliteration?).

*I attended my niece, Savannah's, 4th birthday party on Saturday.  It was a princess party aka "ball" wherein Savannah wore a princessy dress and a crown and we were her loyal subjects.  So really no different from any other day.  Prior to the party, my sister asked Savannah if I could wear my princess dress too because in my family I am regarded as "the princess".  Savannah's response?  "NO, I'M THE PRINCESS!"  Wow, the crown doesn't fall too far from the thrown huh?  So instead of flitting around in MY princess dress I got to be the royal photographer and also the royal cupcake maker.  My beloved pink Babycakes maker got quite a work out as we whipped up about 75 cupcakes.  That Savannah knows how to throw a party!

*After slaving away all afternoon at the royal ball, we went out to dinner at my new favorite restaurant called Mi Ranchito in Lenexa, KS.  Listen, I don't just throw things like what I'm about to say out there, but I have to say it was the BEST Mexican food I've EVER eaten, and believe me I've eaten ALOT of Mexican food in a lot of places including a roadside cart in Mexico itself against the strict instructions of our tour guide, and still nothing compares.  The salsa was perfection and I may or may not have been drinking it with a straw and then the entrees came and I died and went to Mexican Heaven where I was serenaded by angels wearing turquoise cowboy boots and playing in a mariachi band.  I had the special which was a Shrimp and Guacamole Enchilada and OMGoodness.   The creamy velvety sauce had all kinds of vegetables in it so it was basically like I was eating a salad.  Never mind the quart of "champagne queso" sauce it was swimming in.  Then because we're a family that shares, I sampled Heidi's enchilada and I couldn't tell you what it was called but all I know is that I want to take a bath in the sauce that covered it.  It was a creamy white queso with spinach and spices and tomatoes and OMGoodness again.  Heidi had raved about the Cream Cheese Chicken Enchiladas that my godmother Nita ordered so I sampled those too (all in the name of science you know), and I've said it before and I'll say it again...OMGoodness.  The likes of which my tastebuds have never known before in any other Mexican restaurant....EVER.  And here it is 24 hours later and I'm savoring my leftovers and dreaming of a return trip to the land of  milk and honey chips and salsa. 

*The highlight of the dinner besides the glorious food, was when Heidi left her phone unattended on the table and  I hijacked it to send out random text messages.  Text messages announcing to her friends some of her new lifestyle choices.  She hadn't worked up the nerve yet to tell her friends that she was becoming Mormon because she wanted to become a sister wife OR that she has had a change of heart and now likes girls.  As her big sister I shouldered that burden for her (as her) and let the world know.  If only everyone could have such a caring older sister.  P.S.  Hi David!  Someday we WILL have to meet no matter how hard Heidi tries to keep us apart.  :)

*Dakota has decided she wants to show rabbits for 4H.  Great, no big deal and no trying to maneuver fairgrounds with a horse trailer attached.  However, since making this decision and signing up for that at the 4H meeting on Saturday she is on a bunny bonanza (I just did it again, I have a serious problem.)  She's read a book about rabbits front to back and that is all she wants to talk about.  It's gotten so bad that I just found a post that she posted on a gaming message board that she signed as "Bunny Breeder Out".  Reallly?  REALLY?!?  Apparently, she likes the alliteration as much as her mother.  But Bunny Breeder?  That's the best she could do.  Ugggh.  I have no words. 

*I know there are some of you out there who have a bit of calf envy and love my Holy nearly as much as I do.  I haven't shown you a picture in awhile so here he is in all of his winter glory. 

And my heart just skipped a beat, I love my cow steer. 

Have a cow-a-bunga day!  OK I'll stop now and I'll understand if this is goodbye forever. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Hip Hop Hooray.....or Nay

In my 2011 quest for fitness I decided to expand my workout selection beyond just my boyfriend Bob.  Part of my problem with working out on a regular basis is my exercise ADD and how easily I get distracted and/or bored by doing the same thing every day. 
My search for a workout DVD to mix up the mundane led me to the fitness aisle at my Wal Mart.  This is a scary place for a girl like me, a girl who shudders at the "e" word.  The choices were many, ranging from Jillian and her 30 day kill you plan, i mean shred,to morning walks with Susie.  But I wasn't in to that, I wanted something I would enjoy, that I might be able to trick myself wasn't actually exercise.  And then my eyes beheld this...
Exercise disguised as hip hop dancing?  Oh YES, ma'am. 
I grabbed this  one and promptly left the exercise area.  And this is where I should probably admit that I actually got winded just LOOKING at all the exercise videos.  Miss Thang there had her work cut out for her with this out of shape student.
Fast forward to Monday morning, January 3rd.  My first day of waking up at 5am to work out before going to work.  Read that again and let it marinate for a second. 5am?  Me?  Working out?  There's just nothing right about that sentence.  I was pumped up and ready to burn some calories.  And by pumped up, I mean I could barely open my eyes fully and was ready to burn something but it was more like this blessed DVD rather than calories, but I digress.  I popped in the video and was ready for some good ol' fashioned hip hop music (Preferably New Kids or Snoop Dogg or Sir MIx Alot) to wake me up and let me get my groove on, all while burning off those darn Reese's trees consumed over the holidays. 
Here's where I need to interject and tell you two things:  1) No matter how black I thought I was ('92-'94) I am in fact, white, very white with no kind of rhythm or coordination at.ALL. and 2) I was born and raised a Nazarene pastor's daughter who wasn't allowed to go to dances for the first 16 years of my life, unless she snuck out to one with her friend Liz to her 8th grade graduation dance.  Because don't you know that ALL dancing leads to hot and heavy sex?  I don't know what kind of dances the people who made the Nazarene rules went to but I can assure you that at the 8th Grade Graduation dance I went to we were lucky if a boy and a girl actually left their respective posts along the wall to dance in the same 5 foot radius of each other, so hot and heavy would've been a little difficult.  I say all this to tell you this....THIS white girl can't dance. 
Oh sure can I get down and have a good ol' time when Annette and I are at a New Kids concert?  Oh yes, YES I can.  Mainly cuz we're totally making up moves and also because no one is paying attention to our dance moves when all eyes are on NKOTB.  It's one thing to just move to the beat but this Cardio Hip Hop stuff was a whole other monster.  And I do mean monster.
Before I even knew what was happening Miss Thang was whipping thru the "dirt off the shoulder" and the "stomp and throw" and the "knee knocks".  Listen, I've never claimed to be coordinated but this was ridiculous.  I'm quite certain I looked like I was having a Grand Mal seizure as I tried to imitate her moves. 
The good news is that I was definitely getting a workout, what with my arms flailing and legs kicking and such.  The bad news is that it became very apparent that I have no future as a back up dancer for New Kids. 
So on Day One, the first day of my "Get Fit" 2011 New Year's Resolution, here's how I felt:  chubby, uncoordinated, white, and depressed.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  :)
But I'm no quitter so the next evening, after I rendezvoused with Bob in the morning I decided to break out the Hip Hop Workout once again and go thru the remedial step by step break down of each dance move.  Wait, 2 workouts in ONE day?!?  Who am I?  I gathered the children in the living room to do it with me as nothing says family togetherness like the "Chest Pop".  It was only a matter of minutes before Dakota opted out saying, "Umm that's awkward I am NOT doing that," followed shortly thereafter with Ryder taking a  seat on the couch to observe while yelling things like, "Mommy, you look so weird doing that, I don't think you should do that anymore."  But Blade hung in there with me and we were getting down.  Blade is the one after all, who during football pregame warm ups was out there getting his groove on and caused the opposing coach to say "If that kid can play football as well as he can dance we're in trouble."  Clearly, he takes after me...or not.
The problem is I can do the hand/arm movements fine by themselves and I can almost do the footwork by itself, but putting them together for a complete dance move?  FUGHETTABOUTIT.  Even after an intense study session I still looked like a fish out of water with the flopping and stuff.  Blade on the other hand is ready to step up as the new Zac Efron in High School Musical. 
Yesterday morning, a Saturday, I woke up before everyone else because apparently waking up at 5am every day for 2 weeks to work out does make it a habit.  I needed a break from Bob so popped in the Hip Hop video.  Bubba was sleeping peacefully on the couch as I began my workout.  I began the Step by Step break down for each dance move (unfortunately, step 1 was NOT to have lots of fun. 'Sup NKOTB.)  You guys, I still CANNOT do it.  How do you get legs, arms, feet, and hands all doing different things, at the same time, to a beat?!?  At one point, and I'm not even making this up, the flailing and stomping and seizure like motion, woke Bubba up and he began to bark crazily and went running off towards the safety of another room where he wouldn't have to witness such monstrosities.  Then stuff started falling off the wall and I thought it best to call it a day before any more damage was done. 
I'm kinda giving up on ever being a Hip Hop Dancing Queen and my dream of Jordan Knight and I making a music video together wherein we have a Grease inspired dance/song routine.  Instead I'm giving this a try..

It's complete false advertising though.  See how it says Six Week Six Pack?  I've had this for 2 weeks and there have been no changes to my abs, whatsoever.
Oh what's that?  I have to actually take it out of the package and put in my DVD player and do it?  Huh.  But in my defense Jillian terrifies me.  Having her on my kitchen counter just staring up at me, watching my every move, every morsel I eat, is scaring me into submission though.  Maybe this week I'll actually attempt to do the workout.  My ego is still in a delicate state after the Hip Hop fiasco. 
If anything this whole experience has given me a whole new appreciation and love for my New Kids.  I stand amazed.

Eternally White and Uncoordinated,
Prairie Princess

Monday, January 10, 2011

Phone Follies

Last Sunday I had a fairly substantial, even dare I say, monumental, blonde moment. 

After playing a little mind game with myself last Sunday afternoon, wherein I promised myself that if I undecorated the house in 2 hours, I'd have enough time to go shopping before church.   Yes, I bribed myself.  Listen, every time I have to take down all the Christmas decorations I feel anything but merry and bright and mumble and grumble about how next year we'll have a tree and stockings and that's it.  My family typically just roll their eyes at me and my empty threats because they know that next year when it's time to decorate I won't be able to resist putting out "just a few snowmen" or getting out "just a few more totes of Christmas decorations".  Anyway, the mind game kinda worked because I made good time undecorating the house, so it was only right that I got to go shopping.  I picked Blade up at his friend's house where he'd been for a birthday party and we headed into town.  We went to the mall and had a great time shopping.  He's one cool kid and I love hanging out with just him, especially since he still holds my hand and tells me which pink sunglasses I should buy.  As we were leaving the mall I pulled my phone out of my pocket because I had a missed call.  And then I put it back or so I thought....duh duh DUH......(the suspense builds)
We drove the 18 minutes home and I went to put my phone on the charger because the battery was running low.  Except that when I went to do that I couldn't find it.  I dumped out my purse, looked through the PMobile, checked pockets, the whole  bit...and NADA.  Then I had GI Joe repeat still nothing.  I called it but then quickly hung up because I thought that I had accidentally called GI Joe's phone.  But before I hung up I was sure I heard someone pick up on my cell phone, but I hung up before this registered with my brain.  We called and sent 911 texts to it hoping the perp would answer it again but alas he/she did not.  At least it was a smart criminal that stole my phone.  But since I couldn't 100% confirm that someone did have it I decided to drive back to the mall to see if by chance it was still laying in the parking lot. 
The whole drive back to the mall I was kinda freaking out just because I had just gone through the hassle of getting a new phone and also because I would lose all of my contacts.  And how on earth would I ever replace the phone numbers of all the rich and famous people I had in there?  Not to mention, what if they hacked into my facebook and posted an inappropriate status update?!?  Oh the horror.  You can imagine my distress. 
I got back to the mall parking lot and drove slowly past the spots I passed on the way to my parking spot earlier and then parked near my previous spot.  I didn't see my phone during my driveby so I got out to do a foot search.  I was nearly in tears as I got back in the PMobile after the foot search was unsuccessful.  I reached into the front pocket off my purse to get lip gloss of all things, (hey the cold air made my lips dry!) and lo and behold, there was my phone.  It was a miracle!  I really have no idea how it got there because I had literally turned my purse upside down at home and it wasn't there.  It had to be divine intervention.  I was missing church to search for my phone after all. 
Obviously, he was relieved and especially glad that I clarified that it was his wife and not a criminal. 
You know those clips they had for mittens to clip them to the sleeves of kids' coats?  I need those for my cell phone.  First person who jerryrigs one of those up for me wins a prize.  Seriously, this is becoming a reoccurring problem. 
How does that saying go?  Blondes just want to have more fun?  You know what else this blonde wants to do?  Hang on to her phone.  It's good to have goals. 

Friday, January 7, 2011

A World Record & Photo Friday

This week I've accomplished two things I've never done before.  1) Gotten up early, REALLY early 5 DAYS in a row to do weight loss yoga with my on again off again now on again boyfriend Bob and 2) blogged 5 days in a row! 
What is happening?  Clearly, you should stock up on non perishables and generators because the apocolypse is upon us. 
Today, because I'm exhausted and barely able to lift my arms or walk without hobbling and groaning and moaning, I give you photo Friday. 

Bubba hopes you had a very Merry Christmas

Ryder wants to know what you think of his new 'do.  He's growing it out. 

Frosted trees and pretty snow.  It's all melted now and everything is a not so lovely shade of brown. This picture reminds me of better days.

So does this...

Happy Friday wherever you are or wish you were!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Keepin' It Classy

In case you haven't noticed, this makes the 4th day of posting IN A ROW!  This from the blogger who could at times go 10 days between posts!  4 posts in 4 days?!?  I don't even know who I am anymore.  Don't get used to it, you know about my will and resolve.  (ex:  New Year's Resolutions 2010=Fail.)

The title feels very familiar and I may or may have not used it before but what can I say it's a way of life around here. 
The other day we had a pretty good snowfall and the temperatures were in the DOUBLE digits.  In Iowa in the winter, double digits are huge.  Well, not literally, but 35 degrees sure feels like a heat wave when the next day it may or may not be 12 degrees BELOW zero.  So with the heat wave of 35 and fresh fallen snow on the ground, I donned my bathing suit NON-PINK Carhartts (Carhartt will be hearing from me very soon, I am not one to be ignored as they will soon find out) and went outside to play in the snow with the kids.  To kick off our winter wonderland festivities, I took them hillbilly sledding.  It looks a little something like this...
A rescue toboggan long enough to hold 3 kids and a pug pulled by the 4 wheeler.  This is lots of fun as long as the driver of the 4 wheeler (in this case me) is a responsible and good driver.  I think you know where this is going.  I didn't think I was going that fast, until I happened to glance behind me and noticed that the sled was upside down and was empty.  Then I stopped and looked back further and found 3 kids in various spots along the route face first in the snow some crying, some wailing, but all saying things like, "MOMMY didn't you hear us tell you to SLOW DOWN?!?  You flipped us and now I have frostbite on my nose, face, etc"  Oh oops.  In my defense, I think the sled went over a cowpie or a mound of horse droppings which dislodged the kids from the sled, so really it wasn't my driving.  The rest of the sledding was done cautiously and was more of leisurely sleigh ride than adrenaline pumping fast paced sledding.  I guess we'll get back to that when GI Joe takes over as driver.  Lightweights. 
And this is when I let Blade drive.  Not.

After our sledding adventures, we headed to the meadow aka our front yard where we can build a snowman and pretend that he is Parson Brown (p.s. WHO is Parson Brown?) Within 5 minutes, the oldest and the youngest wimped out and headed for the warmth of the house making accusations of frostbite from the sled upheaval they'd been thru, leaving Blade and I to construct snowmen (and women, we're equal opportunity) masterpieces.  It was dangerous work as rolling snow into a ball in a yard that 4 dogs use for their outdoor activities is kind of a crapshoot...pun intended.  But our snowman turned out adorable..once we got all the brown spots concealed. 

Nothing says Frosty like psychedelic eyes made of Candy Cane Tootsie Pop Drops or broken Christmas ornaments or a Starburst smile, am I right?  Speaking of Candy Cane Tootsie Pops, have you tried them?!?  Hurry and stock up on them while they're 75% off, sweet mercy are they ever delightful. 

We were pleased with our work and moved our workspace to the front ditch to get a bigger audience of viewers.  We decided the one in the ditch that everyone driving by should be bigger and better than the one hidden from the road by bushes in the front yard. And I do mean better....
Such a beauty huh?  Notice the cranberry belly button.  I have to admit that once I whipped out the bikini and pink hair Blade washed his hands of this snowwoman.  So yes, I spent a good 30 minutes outside by myself dressing our snowwoman.  I think my extra effort was well worth the time investment.  The bikini was just happy to see the light of day after laying dormant in my drawer since OUR HONEYMOON...13 + years ago.  She wore it well. 
As you can imagine traffic by our house slowed considerably the rest of the day.  Usually, when people slow down it's to gawk at the emus or the gay llamas in pornographic positions but today it was all about the snowwoman.  As usual we're just keepin' it classy!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

You Might Be a Redneck If....

this is parked in your driveway............
GI Joe proudly decks his truck out with these bad boys during deer hunting season.  I'm so proud. 

I'm also so proud of this....
No really, I am.  She's rockin' that orange right? 
She also tells me all about gutting the deer her Daddy shot and how she nearly caught a field mouse with her bare hands.  The maternity test is still pending.  We may have to get Maury Povich involved.

But she definitely belongs to him, no doubt about that.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Christmas Corniness

Ahh Christmas, how I love thee. The shopping, the music, the decorations, and the traditions. As you can probably imagine, I’m all about traditions, both creating them and maintaining them. Christmas is basically my Traditions Superbowl. I’m all about making events out of ordinary things and more importantly, making memories that our kids will look back on fondly years from now. Let’s be honest, they’ll probably laugh and roll their eyes about how crazy their mother and sometimes their father is/was. And that my friends, is the goal. 

Some of the traditions are things that GI Joe and I each brought from our respective upbringings but most of them are things we read about, heard about, or saw on TV, and started within our family.

Here are just a few of our family Christmas traditions.  Warning:  Will likely cause eye rolls and shaking of heads.

*The annual Koons Christmas Light Extravaganza.  My family mocks me when I say this because truthfully we've only done it the past 3 years so they don't consider it quite annual yet.  Never mind that I had that big fancy name for it the very first time we went.  Like I said people, everything's an event with me.  The Christmas Light Extravaganza is held on either the 2nd or 3rd Friday night of December.  It consists of eating at Texas Roadhouse, a stop for cappuccino and hot cocoa, and then driving thru Jolly Holiday Lights while singing along to the Christmas music station.  It's quite delightful and slightly Griswold-ish.  See?

*A pickle in the tree. Yes, it gets a little smelly by the end of the season but it’s a tradition. JUST KIDDING. The pickle is a glass ornament and as we decorate the tree every year it gets hidden in the branches and whoever finds it first gets to load the dishwasher is guaranteed good luck. Or so the legend goes. And by legend I mean the story I made up and tell the kids every year. Pretty sure I read about the pickle tradition on the internet so I’m sure it’s legit.

*Christmas PJ’s-Every Christmas Eve, we each get to open one present. That present is our Christmas PJ’s. A little corny, yes. A lot corny is that we all 5 match or coordinate. For example, one year we all had blue snowmen PJ’s, different shades of blue but all snowmen and all in the blue section of the color wheel. This year the color scheme was black, red, and gray. The kids’ PJ’s all matched, Justin’s coordinated, and mine were snow leopard (obviously) and are just all around awesome but also coordinated with everyone else’s in their own special way. 

This is one of my favorite traditions and one that I plan to continue on until I die, even if that means when the kids are all married and have kids of their own that I end up buying 17 pairs of matching/coordinating PJ’s. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make and photograph. And now within a span of 2 days I've not only posted llama porn pictures on my blog but now us in our PJ's, have I no bounds?  Apparently not. 

*After we put on our Christmas PJ’s, we cuddle up on the couch. in front of the fireplace and read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas followed by the more biblical Christmas story out of Luke. Then we put out cookies and eggnog for Santa (FYI, that’s not in the Bible). Except this year all the cookies disappeared before Christmas Eve so we left out a plate of deer jerky instead.  Santa left a note saying he rather enjoyed the deer jerky but that his sleigh staff didn't find it amusing.  ;)  It’s all very quaint and Norman Rockwell like. And I try to take lots of pictures because how do you think Norm painted all those pictures? He had a picture to look at obviously!

Santa. I know there are many opinions, stances, blah blah blah about the whole Santa debate. Our position on the Santa debate? WE EMBRACE SANTA and guess what?  I don't think we're going to hell for it!  Yay!  We have so much fun with Santa. Listen, there are some out there who say that Santa is NOT real…gasp! And to those people I say, then explain the sleigh bells that jingle above our children’s heads as they sleep or the soot bootprints leading out of the fireplace all the way to the tree, or the reindeer tracks (REAL reinDEER tracks) in the yard, or the presents in 3 (one for each kid) separate types of wrapping paper never seen before in our house under the tree that say From Mr. S? You’ve got nothing. Is it weird that Dakota at age 11 tells her friends when they try to tell her that Santa isn't real that she feels sorry for them because Santa must not come to their house anymore?  Maybe but oh well, it certainly makes for a magical Christmas Eve and morning and you can bet we're savoring every single minute of when they "believe", not that we'll change our game up one bit once they don't believe. 
Santa makes such a mess. 

A new tradition we started this year is called "Elf on the Shelf". I'd read about this on several different blogs and thought it sounded adorable, especially since we're a house that still believes.  Which means I could get a lot of mileage out of the old "the elf is watching how you behave so he can report to Santa each night."  There is no scare tactic quite like the Santa Tactic.  We named our elf "Oogy" and it was so fun each morning as the kids tried to find where he had set up camp for the day.  I'm debating whether Oogy should be a year long tradition.  Surely Santa needs updates more often than just the month of December right?

A few years ago we decided that we would stay home on Christmas Day and not go anywhere.  It's worked out really well because we celebrate Christmas with GI Joe's family on Christmas Eve and with my family post Christmas so we get to stay home and play with all of our gifts on actual Christmas.  Every Christmas I go all out and prepare a Christmas feast.  ONE year, a few years ago, I decided we need to have Christmas Goose because it sounded "proper."  It was good although we preferred turkey, ham, or even prime rib that we've had the past 2 years.  Anyway, this year prior to Christmas I asked the family what we should have for our Christmas feast this year and their reply?  "We have to have Christmas GOOSE!  It's our TRADITION!"  Uh oh I've created monsters with this tradition stuff.  I was really hoping to do prime rib again or even a ham but the troops rallied and made the following ultimatum, "We want Christmas Goose or LEG OF LAMB!"   Who's kids are these that would make such sophisticated demands?  Darn foodies.  After much discussion, we decided on leg of lamb which GI Joe smoked in his smoker along with a venison roast and both turned out amazing.  I think we've found our new Christmas tradition.  It felt all fancy and stuff too, having leg of lamb for Christmas dinner while sipping our sparkling cider from goblets...while wearing our PJ's.  That's right none of us changed out of our PJ's ALL DAY LONG.  It was glorious. 

I hope your Christmas was just as merry.  Those are just a few of our traditions, I can't give away all of our secrets.  Tell me I'm not the only one obsessed with Christmas traditions.  What are some of your family's traditions? 

Sunday, January 2, 2011

What I Learned in 2010

The difference between mules and donkeys. I hate to keep beating a dead horse mule donkey but I will probably never live this down…EVER. P.S. Beyonce and Kanye are doing well.

That accidentally microwaving a chicken sandwich for 45 MINUTES instead of 45 SECONDS is not considered “normal wear and tear” and is not covered under the microwave’s warranty. And the only way to get rid of the smoky smell in the microwave is to get a new one.

That clearly my animal “sexing” skills need some work. In my defense, take a look at this picture…can you see the goods?

And those eyelashes?  Fughettaboutit.

See why we lived a lie for over a year? I’m working on this but I gotta be honest googling animal sexing is not exactly G rated. But then neither is the Brokeback Barn and Grill we’ve got going on with our 3 gay llamas or the llama porn I just posted so basically I'm just headed in a downward spiral.   

That even though we have 5 very nice, tame “laying” hens,now that it’s cold I’ve run out of eggs more than once. Back to Costco I go for the walk of shame to buy eggs in bulk.

That even though I buy butter in bulk, 4 pounds at a time, during the holiday baking season I ran out. How did I let that happen? Paula Deen would be so ashamed. Also, Holy didn’t appreciate me trying to milk him to churn my own butter. Hey, desperate times=desperate measures.

*Please note that was a joke, as you cannot milk male cows even if they are considered a “dairy breed”. You may get something but I can assure you it will NOT be milk. I tell you this because I care and because once upon a time when I was a young wannabe farm girl I thought all dairy cattle could be milked.   Again, I'm here to educate and inform you.  Please learn from my mistakes.

That 2010 was one of my least favorite years and I was more than happy to hold the door for it while it found it's way out.  True to form, the last day of 2010 was terrible weather here in Iowa so our rip roaring Baptist New Year's Eve party got cancelled. Instead of dancing on tables  holding hands while singing Kumbayah and throwing down..Uno cards we had a night at home.  I prepared a New Year's Eve feast using all Pioneer Woman's recipes: this for luck, these because they are delicious, and this because it felt like the right thing to do and RIGHT it was.  Good stuff.  We tried to trick the kids into going to bed after they showed the ball dropping in NY at 11 but they didn't fall for it.  I rue the day they learned to tell time.  So we waited it out, poured some sparkling cider in our fancy glasses, and clinked our glasses at midnight when the ball dropped..again.  It was a little bit nerdy but a lot awesome.  Good riddance 2010 and 2011 I expect great things from you. 

Happy New Year!!!