My search for a workout DVD to mix up the mundane led me to the fitness aisle at my Wal Mart. This is a scary place for a girl like me, a girl who shudders at the "e" word. The choices were many, ranging from Jillian and her 30 day kill you plan, i mean shred,to morning walks with Susie. But I wasn't in to that, I wanted something I would enjoy, that I might be able to trick myself wasn't actually exercise. And then my eyes beheld this...
Exercise disguised as hip hop dancing? Oh YES, ma'am.
I grabbed this one and promptly left the exercise area. And this is where I should probably admit that I actually got winded just LOOKING at all the exercise videos. Miss Thang there had her work cut out for her with this out of shape student.
Fast forward to Monday morning, January 3rd. My first day of waking up at 5am to work out before going to work. Read that again and let it marinate for a second. 5am? Me? Working out? There's just nothing right about that sentence. I was pumped up and ready to burn some calories. And by pumped up, I mean I could barely open my eyes fully and was ready to burn something but it was more like this blessed DVD rather than calories, but I digress. I popped in the video and was ready for some good ol' fashioned hip hop music (Preferably New Kids or Snoop Dogg or Sir MIx Alot) to wake me up and let me get my groove on, all while burning off those darn Reese's trees consumed over the holidays.
Here's where I need to interject and tell you two things: 1) No matter how black I thought I was ('92-'94) I am in fact, white, very white with no kind of rhythm or coordination at.ALL. and 2) I was born and raised a Nazarene pastor's daughter who wasn't allowed to go to dances for the first 16 years of my life, unless she snuck out to one with her friend Liz to her 8th grade graduation dance. Because don't you know that ALL dancing leads to hot and heavy sex? I don't know what kind of dances the people who made the Nazarene rules went to but I can assure you that at the 8th Grade Graduation dance I went to we were lucky if a boy and a girl actually left their respective posts along the wall to dance in the same 5 foot radius of each other, so hot and heavy would've been a little difficult. I say all this to tell you this....THIS white girl can't dance.
Oh sure can I get down and have a good ol' time when Annette and I are at a New Kids concert? Oh yes, YES I can. Mainly cuz we're totally making up moves and also because no one is paying attention to our dance moves when all eyes are on NKOTB. It's one thing to just move to the beat but this Cardio Hip Hop stuff was a whole other monster. And I do mean monster.
Before I even knew what was happening Miss Thang was whipping thru the "dirt off the shoulder" and the "stomp and throw" and the "knee knocks". Listen, I've never claimed to be coordinated but this was ridiculous. I'm quite certain I looked like I was having a Grand Mal seizure as I tried to imitate her moves.
The good news is that I was definitely getting a workout, what with my arms flailing and legs kicking and such. The bad news is that it became very apparent that I have no future as a back up dancer for New Kids.
So on Day One, the first day of my "Get Fit" 2011 New Year's Resolution, here's how I felt: chubby, uncoordinated, white, and depressed. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! :)
But I'm no quitter so the next evening, after I rendezvoused with Bob in the morning I decided to break out the Hip Hop Workout once again and go thru the remedial step by step break down of each dance move. Wait, 2 workouts in ONE day?!? Who am I? I gathered the children in the living room to do it with me as nothing says family togetherness like the "Chest Pop". It was only a matter of minutes before Dakota opted out saying, "Umm that's awkward I am NOT doing that," followed shortly thereafter with Ryder taking a seat on the couch to observe while yelling things like, "Mommy, you look so weird doing that, I don't think you should do that anymore." But Blade hung in there with me and we were getting down. Blade is the one after all, who during football pregame warm ups was out there getting his groove on and caused the opposing coach to say "If that kid can play football as well as he can dance we're in trouble." Clearly, he takes after me...or not.
The problem is I can do the hand/arm movements fine by themselves and I can almost do the footwork by itself, but putting them together for a complete dance move? FUGHETTABOUTIT. Even after an intense study session I still looked like a fish out of water with the flopping and stuff. Blade on the other hand is ready to step up as the new Zac Efron in High School Musical.
Yesterday morning, a Saturday, I woke up before everyone else because apparently waking up at 5am every day for 2 weeks to work out does make it a habit. I needed a break from Bob so popped in the Hip Hop video. Bubba was sleeping peacefully on the couch as I began my workout. I began the Step by Step break down for each dance move (unfortunately, step 1 was NOT to have lots of fun. 'Sup NKOTB.) You guys, I still CANNOT do it. How do you get legs, arms, feet, and hands all doing different things, at the same time, to a beat?!? At one point, and I'm not even making this up, the flailing and stomping and seizure like motion, woke Bubba up and he began to bark crazily and went running off towards the safety of another room where he wouldn't have to witness such monstrosities. Then stuff started falling off the wall and I thought it best to call it a day before any more damage was done.
I'm kinda giving up on ever being a Hip Hop Dancing Queen and my dream of Jordan Knight and I making a music video together wherein we have a Grease inspired dance/song routine. Instead I'm giving this a try..
It's complete false advertising though. See how it says Six Week Six Pack? I've had this for 2 weeks and there have been no changes to my abs, whatsoever.
Oh what's that? I have to actually take it out of the package and put in my DVD player and do it? Huh. But in my defense Jillian terrifies me. Having her on my kitchen counter just staring up at me, watching my every move, every morsel I eat, is scaring me into submission though. Maybe this week I'll actually attempt to do the workout. My ego is still in a delicate state after the Hip Hop fiasco.
If anything this whole experience has given me a whole new appreciation and love for my New Kids. I stand amazed.
Eternally White and Uncoordinated,