Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Broke My Eyebrow

So raise your hand if you've ever been standing in front of a door and when you opened it you ended up hitting yourself in the head with said door because you misjudged your distance from the door and also how far you were actually opening the door? We're all friends here it's okay to admit it. Surely I'm not the only one right? Right?!?

So MAYBE that happened to me over the weekend. When it happened I actually saw stars (they were pretty), wiped the tears stinging my eyes because I'm a tough farm girl and can't cry over things like hitting myself in the head with a door, and then took some Advil because it gave me a bad headache (which now we know was probably a concussion.) All was fine until a few days later while drying my hair I bumped my eyebrow and was in immediate, excruciating pain. It throbbed all of that day and the area around my eyebrow was squishy, most likely from the hemotobin smobin that had formed. (I totally made that up, except for the squishy part.) I managed through the pain on the first day it bothered me figuring it would go away. The next morning when I woke up, I realized it hurt WORSE and that I was probably going to die. I informed everyone that I had broken my eyebrow and that this was probably the end for me. I'm a realist what can I say? There was no visual bruising, it was just very tender and sore and I had a terrible headache starting there and going behind my eye. Clearly, it was a very serious head trauma. A friend at work googled eyebrow injuries and sent me a link about how people that fall and/or hit their head a lot (aka me) will likely suffer brain injuries at some point in their life that could eventually kill them. The article also verified that there is in fact such a thing as a browbone, so there all you doubters!!!

Because I am a dedicated employee I somehow stayed at work even though I was suffering from a major head injury. Before I called the doctor's office to schedule an appointment to be seen for my eyebrow fracture I thought maybe I'd self treat. I asked McDreamy, who works part time at Home Depot and is good at building stuff, if he had any ideas for a splint to help with my injured eyebrow. At first he started telling me what I needed but Annette promptly told him that I was in no shape to build my own splint and he should do it for me. Thank goodness for Annette.

McDreamy delivered this to me shortly after the 911 message was sent to him. Coming soon to an ER near you.

I may make a full recovery thanks to my customized splint. I'm not sharing this with you to gain your sympathy, although I won't turn it away, I'm doing this because if I can help just ONE other person with a broken eyebrow, then it will be worth it. You are welcome.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Fast and Flirtatious

As you may recall from here I have a lead foot that has attributed to a majority of my run ins with the law.

I was on that same stretch of highway tonight coming home from work, cruising along, jamming out to my new favorite CD, painting my nails, making my grocery list, texting, cross stitching, etc when I happened to notice a cop car coming towards me in the other lane. Reflex reaction was to look down at the speedometer. Uh oh, it sure didn't say 55 which is what the sign I went zooming past said it should be. Odd considering I am such a law abiding citizen who ALWAYS obeys the speed limit. Must've been something wrong with the Princess Mobile. I slowed down until the faulty speedometer read 54 (one under for good measure) and prayed that the nice sheriff I had just passed was too busy saving the world from real criminals. There were a lot of driveways along this section of road and I considered stopping in on an old friend, I mean someone I'd never meant but who's driveway would hide the Princess Mobile, until Mr. Sheriff went by. But I thought that would make me look guilty (even though it was obviously a flaw with my speedometer) and he'd probably find me OR be called to the scene of a trespasser by one of the owners of the driveways. I decided to take my chances and keep on cruising, under the speed limit of course. I kept looking in my rear view mirror but didn't see anything, not because he wasn't there but because the back window of the PMobile was so filthy and I was out of washer fluid back there, that I can't see anything out of it. I thought I was home free until I happened to glance in my side mirror and saw pretty lights. Blue and red lights to be exact. Houston, we have a problem. As he was getting out of his car, I quickly applied lip gloss, got my license out and found my insurance card, in that order. A deputy about my age, average height, medium build, shaved head, blue eyes, came to my window and very kindly told me I had been going 68 in a 55. I didn't argue with him even though we all know it's the PMobile's faulty speedometer's fault. I just said, "I'm so sorry Officer, I didn't realize I was going that fast." He smiled and then asked me for my license and registration. I handed him my license and insurance card because I'm a dork and don't take directions well. He looked at my insurance card which was valid 1/09 through 7/09, handed it back to me without saying a word about it being an old card and asked for the registration. I frantically started looking for the registration and could NOT find it. I had only looked for a few seconds when he said, "Oh you don't have to tear your car apart to find it. No big deal." Hmmmm weird I thought your registration was kind of a big deal? He went back to his car and I did important things like check my lip gloss, pouf my hair, spray perfume, etc. Hey a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I was checking the little compartment on my door when I popped my head up and there he was right by my window. I may have jumped a little, oh and maybe shrieked a little too. (You'll understand why I'm so darn jumpy when I tell you about our Haunted Housing adventure.) He smiled, laughed, and said, "Well I'm going to save you $90 bucks today and not give you a ticket. I'm your hero right?" And that's when I knew that the lip gloss had saved the day and also that he was flirting with me. I thanked him profusely and poured on every ounce of my charm to assure him that he had not wasted a warning but not so much as to lead him on...too much. :) After some chit chat where he nearly asked me out on a date, he said "Just promise me you'll slow it down okay speed demon?" Of course, I emphatically agreed and then went driving off into the a law abiding speed obviously.
If I've learned one thing from tonight's run in with the law it's this.........I can still work it when long as the kids aren't with me to throw me off my game.
I'm not good at math but I'm pretty sure $4.00 for Cotton Candy lip gloss is ALOT cheaper than a $90 ticket. Try it sometime. And if that doesn't work go with Plan B, which was tell him you were going to wet your pants. Apparently, that works as well as lip gloss, you just won't look as good.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

*Updated* The Machete, the BB Gun & the Prairie Princess, An Unlikely Combination

Now that he's home and I can return to some semblance of normal, whatever that is, I thought it was finally safe to tell you about the isolated incident that required me to use the machete, the BB gun, and my brute force.
When GI Joe is gone I sleep with a machete next to my bed, you know for protection. Yes, it's the same machete used to commit the corn stalk crimes. It's multi-purpose.
I had a terrible time sleeping the first couple of nights he was gone. Because I'm such an optimist and kept envisioning a masked robber breaking into our house and stealing all of our possessions and children and then leaving me for dead. Like I said, eternal optimist, that's what I am. So after getting approximately 3 hours of sleep total the first night he was gone, I was exhausted and sure I would get a sound nights sleep the 2nd night. Wrong. I tossed and turned and finally about 11:45 drifted off. Akala, the Great Dane, was in the bedroom with me and Moose, the Lab was left out to patrol the rest of the house aka sleep on the couch. Having 2 giant dogs made me feel somewhat better about our chance of survival in the wilderness alone. They really wouldn't hurt anyone but they do sound and look intimidating if it's someone they don't know. I had finally drifted off to sleep only to be awakened by the sound of Moose growling and barking ferociously, which then caused Akala to start in. I was terrified and sure that Moose was barking at the masked man who had just entered our house. I grabbed the machete and the phone and slowly made my way out of our bedroom. I was trying to sound really mean and tough and yelling things like, "Get out of my house punk, I have a machete and I will slash you!" Clearly, this would've frightened any intruders there may have been. I talk a good game, never mind that I was nearly wetting myself from fright. I ventured to the living room where Moose was concentrating his diversion efforts and found him barking in front of a window. I peeked out the window, sure I would see someone with pantyhose over their head or even worse a clown mask. Instead, I saw a yellow Lab. Phew, at least I wasn't going to have to slash anyone. I let Moose out to deal with the unwelcome visitor. They had a heated discussion in which I'm pretty sure Moose told him to get lost that Akala wasn't in the market for a boyfriend. I thought that would do it so I let Moose back in and went back to bed. I laid back down, got the dogs calmed down and starting drifting off again. Not a chance. Apparently the yellow Lab didn't get the hint and instead was in our front yard barking incessantly. I tried putting the pillow over my ears and turning up the fan to drown out the noise. Didn't work. I am so used to complete quiet at night out here in the sticks that I cannot sleep with any kind of noise like that. So I got up and decided it was time to get serious, time to break out the BB gun, and scare that dog off once and for all. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Only problem was that I had no idea how to get into the gun cabinet or where the key was. Why wouldn't GI Joe have told me this very vital information before he left? What could I do except call him at midnight when he had a PT (physical training) test at 5:30 a.m. the next morning? That's what I did. He was well, not exactly thrilled to hear from me at such a late hour but didn't ask a lot of questions, just told me how to get into it. I hung up with him, got into the gun cabinet and retrieved Dakota's BB gun and the BB's. Great plan except that I don't often load BB guns. And given the great amount of stress and pressure I was under I was drawing a blank. Time to call in reinforcements. I did what any good mother would do and woke my 9 year old daughter from a deep sleep to have her load the gun for me. We had this conversation:
Me: "Dakota! Wake up we have an emergency!"
Dakota, sitting straight up in bed with a deer in headlights look, prepared to stop, drop and roll, after all it is Fire Safety Month: "What? What's the matter?"
Me: "There's a stray dog outside that won't leave and I need to scare him off with the BB gun but I can't remember how to load it. Or why don't you just get out of bed and shoot at him for me?"
Dakota, deep sigh: "Mommy, I'm very tired so I'll just get it loaded and ready for you to shoot it."
Me: "Ok well hurry."
Dakota, loading the gun with amazing precision and skill( obviously she takes after me): "OK, it's loaded but you'll have to push the safety in before you fire. I am not taking that off for you while you're in my room. Now goodnight."

Wow, thanks for the help Dakota. I went with my weapon locked and loaded to the front door and let Moose out again. Moose had a more serious discussion with stray dog this time complete with bared teeth and intense growling. Moose knows if Mama doesn't get her beauty sleep, Mama is not pleasant to live with. I thought I'd help Moose out and stepped outside in my PJ's, yelling at the stray dog, and waving the BB gun wildly in the air. Hillbilly hilarity at its finest for sure. The dog started retreating toward the road but I had to make sure that he didn't make a return visit so I started shooting. I hit the ground, the night sky, maybe a tree, but not the dog. I totally planned that as I really didn't want to hurt the dog just wanted to scare him off and nothing scares a dog more than a BB gun popping shots off into the night sky. FYI, BB guns aren't as loud as one would hope when trying to scare off stray dogs in the middle of the night, instead it makes a laughable POP sound. (Note to self, next time use a real gun that will make a loud noise. Another note to self: On second thought, probably not a good idea to break out a big gun without supervision so wake Dakota up and make her do it. She's much better suited for such endeavors.)
Moose probably thinks he's the one that scared stray dog off but let's face it, it was probably my mad sharpshooting skills....or the sight of me with Kramer bedhead and PJ's. Whatever. The stray dog didn't make any more late night visits after that incident so whatever it was worked.
Now that GI Joe is home, the BB gun and machete have both been retired, only to come out as an accessory in the occasional corn thievery crime.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


A few weeks ago we celebrated GI Joe’s birthday with his family. His aunt was so excited to give him this card.

GI Joe opened it and laughed at the Happy 90th Birthday since he’s no spring chicken at the old age of 32, but he hasn’t quite hit THAT milestone yet. Aunt Debbie was laughing hysterically and kept saying, “OPEN IT!! OPEN IT!!!” GI Joe opened it and found this.

Yep, same card. No, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you, he had to actually turn it sideways because the cardmaker switched the card’s orientation from portrait on the front to landscape in the middle. But that’s not all, read the sentiment again. That’s right, it’s “wishing you every happiness during Easter and throughout the whole year.” Now do what we all did 3 times and look at the first picture again to make sure that it wasn’t in fact an Easter card. Nope, still says Happy 90th birthday. He flipped the card over to see if that’s where they’d hidden the punch line, you know the one that said “Ha! Ha! You’re so old that you don’t even know if it’s Easter or your 90th birthday. Happy 32nd Birthday!” But alas, there was no punch line, well not a real one anyway. “Special cards for special people” pretty much sums it up though, but if you ask me they should add “made by special people” to it. Quality Control much?

Can you imagine the pure mental agony this card would’ve caused someone who was actually turning 90? Cruel and wrong. :)

Aunt Debbie looking illiterate when she asked the cashier at the store to read the card to her, and the look on the cashier’s face when she too was puzzled by the 2 in 1 Birthday/Easter combo card=PASS

Aunt Debbie also calling over the store manager to read the card aloud and then asking him if she could get a discount on the card=PASS
(P.S. She did NOT get a discount on the card…the injustice.)

But this card=Definite FAIL.

For more “Fails” to make you shake your head in bewilderment and chuckle out loud, check out this very funny site

Happy Easter!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

GI Joe: My American Hero

My love, my hero, GI Joe turned 32 on Sunday. But instead of being at home celebrating it with his lovely wife, children, family, and friends he was en route to Little Rock, AR for another 2 weeks of military training. Which means that my posts will not only be sporadic, but also filled with angst, despair, self pity, and disasters, until his return next Friday (late, not that I’m counting hours or anything). You’ve been warned.
Oh sorry, this isn’t about me, this is about him. As is my tradition, when an immediate member of my family celebrates a birthday I write a sappy, sentimental post to highlight some of the things I love about them. Unfortunately for you, GI Joe is no exception. Warning: gag factor high. Here goes:

*I tend to break a lot of stuff and he fixes it, usually at minimal cost, making me feel less bad about being so darn uncoordinated and accident prone. Example: lawnmower, coffeemaker, plates, my hair dryer, the Princess Mobile , GPS, etc. I’m not saying he does it wordlessly, I’m just saying he does it. Initially, he may mutter a few things under his breath but then he’ll get it fixed and by the end of the day is THANKING me for giving him the opportunity to hone a new skill or fix something he’s never fixed before. OK so maybe not exactly but he’s quite handy and only gotten more so the longer we’ve been married. Coincidence? I think not. You're welcome GI Joe.

*He’s as low maintenance as I am high maintenance. And he enjoys indulging the high maintenance side of me by doing things like surprising me with that new purse I’ve been eyeing or the pair of shoes that he saw that he knew I’d just love even though he complains daily about my current shoe inventory, just to see my eyes light up and hear the squeal of delight that escapes from my mouth. Whereas, he has to be forced to buy things for himself. He’d much rather buy something for me, or the kids, or the zoo, rather than for himself. I really love that about him. GI Joe, if you’re reading this there’s this really, REALLY cute pair of boots……. JUST KIDDING.

*He is who he is. While many of us say we don’t care what other people think about us, he honestly doesn’t. He’s not one to sugar coat or change his thoughts, feelings, beliefs because he’s afraid someone won’t like him or will be offended. But he does it in the most charming manner. And most people like him more because of this endearing quality. I laugh because he’s admittedly not a people person and generally doesn’t like a lot of people, not that he’d disrespect them or be mean, he just keeps to himself. But for some reason, wherever we go people, including complete strangers, tell him their life story or ask him advice or seek him out to talk to him. Apparently, he has that “talk to me” aura about him whether he likes it or not. Sorry about your luck GI Joe.

*He’s the best dad ever. My kids won the Daddy jackpot and I’m not just saying that because I’m biased, which I am obviously, but he really is. Even with his stressful, often time consuming career he manages to put us, his family, at the top of his priority list. Never have our kids felt like Daddy isn’t around or is never there for them even though sometimes he’s working 65 hours a week. Sure, he’s missed a soccer game or two but he makes up for it with the hours he spends with them in the yard practicing for that soccer game or stopping by the school to have lunch with them just because or getting them off to school every morning. He teaches them, disciplines them, loves them, plays with them, laughs with them, and is very active and involved in all aspects of their lives. He’s their hero. The boys want to be like him and Dakota says she’ll only marry someone if he’s just like him (when she’s 45, his rules). When they were little, people that didn’t know him would always ask me “Does your husband help out at all?” I always felt a little guilty because truth be told he does just as much (if not more) than I do in the whole parenting gig. He more than makes up for my parenting faux pas, shortcomings, and Worst Mother of the Year title. Our kids just might have a chance at being normal, contributing, members of society because of him.

*His sense of humor. He’s quick witted, sarcastic, goofy, and great at telling stories. Nothing brings a grown man to tears of laughter faster than his famous “Monkey in a Fruit Tree” story. Right Jerry? Our friend Jerry has heard it a million times but still when he's having a bad day, Annette will say to him, "Just think about Justin telling you the monkey in the tree story," and that's all it takes. Ask him to tell it to you sometime, trust me he'd love to.

*Every single time I call him, he answers the phone "Hi Sweetheart" and that's it, I'm a goner. It's the little things.

*He’s tall, dark, and handsome just like I ordered. Well, not exactly ordered but strongly requested when God and I were discussing my future spouse years ago. The biceps were an added bonus. As a favorite song of mine says, “you can’t get these kind of muscles anywhere but a farm.” Phew. Sorry, got sidetracked by visions of the biceps. I’ll refocus now.

*Speaking of farms, that’s one of the things I love most about him. That he is a real, true, country boy and embodies the things that you think of when you think of a homegrown guy. He’s respectful, hardworking, loyal, strong, polite, looks good in jeans and boots (oh sorry got distracted again), honest, just to name a few. Let’s face it without him there would be no Prairie Princess. And what kind of world would this be if I had stayed a normal, law abiding, one pet, city girl? Not the kind of world I’d want to live in, that’s for sure.

I could go on and on because even after 13 years with him, I still actually adore him and can’t wait to see him after we’ve been apart, even for just a few hours. And trust me, coming from the same girl who had Dating ADD prior to him, where after dating any one person for greater than 4 months Every. Little. Thing. about them grated on my last nerve, that is quite an accomplishment. (No offense boyfriends of ‘93-‘96, it just wasn’t meant to be.)

All in all he's awesome and more than I thought I'd ever land in a husband. I’m just glad I’m the one who gets to bake, I mean order, his cake until death do us part. He does read the blog (when I tell him "hey you should read the blog today") so feel free to join me in wishing him a Happy Birthday. He could use the excitement, not much happening in AR these days.
Happy (belated) Birthday GI Joe! Also, I hope this makes up for calling you at midnight to ask you how to get into the gun cabinet when you had a PT test at 5:30 the next morning. But please come home soon before there are any further gun or machete incidents.
Oh did I mention opinionated? Yeah, that too.

My Blog Hates Me

Yes, I'm still alive. No, I haven't been discovered and am working on a sitcom developmental deal. Blogger just hates me.
I have been a single mom since 4am on Sunday and will be for 8 more days. Between the kids, the chores, the animals, stealing cornstalks, and fighting off stray dogs and burglars with BB guns and machetes, there hasn't been a lot of blogging time.
I spent my 30 minutes of free time last night perfecting an inspiring, emotional, wonderful (I can say that since you can't actually read it) in honor of GI joe's 32nd birthday only to post it and only one sentence to show up. The rest vanished! Thanks Blogger for kicking me while I'm down.
Stick with me blog readers I promise I'll be back. Oh and wish me luck I still have 8 more days of this single parenthood stuff.

Friday, October 2, 2009

A Special Place on the Prayer Chain for the Likes of Me

You know how GI Joe is constantly playing jokes on me (and others)? Well, like father like son, his Dad aka our pastor is the same way. He is forever tricking someone or getting them to believe something that really isn't so only for the person to say, "Are you serious?" and him to answer with "No." I've been the victim MANY times so when the opportunity PRESENTED itself to me last night to give him a taste of his medicine I jumped on the chance. What's a girl to do?
I was in the driveway doing something when he drove by last night. He stopped and handed me his cell phone that had his sister, Aunt Debbie, on the line. He told me to talk to her about our menu plans for a family cookout we're having tonight, while he ran home. I hung up with Debbie and he still wasn't back yet and that's when inspiration struck.
He's been the pastor of our small church for a LONG time and occassionally teases about retiring. He's bi-vocational so he has a regular full time job as well and it's just a lot to juggle sometimes. Being a smaller church we have a very tight knit congregation and are like family.
Back to the story, so here I was with the "Joker's" cell phone unsupervised..hmmmm. I went into his Contacts and found the names of 2 deacons (one being GI Joe's brofriend John and the other being Scott, another longtime friend of GI Joe's) and sent them the following text from his phone, "I've been doing a lot of thinking and I will be resigning as pastor on Sunday. Please don't try to change my mind." SEND. I ran into the room where GI Joe was and was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Somehow I was able to get out what I'd done. Being the supportive husband he is, he laughed and prepared to field phone calls about it. Father in law was STILL not back yet so I had time to erase the messages from his sent items. I cover all my bases. I then called my mother in law and told her what I'd done in case she got calls from concerned deacons regarding the text. She laughed so hard I'm fairly certain there were tears running down her face. I kept waiting for a response to come thru but nothing, I think the recipients were in shock. Finally, he came back and I gave him his phone as if nothing had happened. He drove off into the sunset. GI Joe and I were on pins and needles....waiting. About 15 minutes later, FIL called GI Joe and said, "Did you guys send a text to Scott (deacon) saying I was resigning the church?" Of course GI Joe and I being the honest, moral, upstanding people that we are said, "No." FIL then said, "I checked my sent items and there was nothing in there but Scott just called me all upset that I was resigning the church. That is too weird, I have to get to the bottom of this." GI Joe: "That is weird, good luck." See why he makes such a good partner in crime? And he was totally believable.
About 15 minutes later we thought it was time to fess up before FIl suffered heart attack #3 and before the prayer chain got activated with the message of "Pastor is resigning the church" sending the entire congregation into shock. Ooh that reminds me sometime I need to tell you the story of the prank we pulled on the prayer chain one time...seriously. That sounds bad, it really wasn't on the "prayer chain" persay it was again on FIL using the prayer chain. This isn't our first rodeo! Anyway, GI Joe called his dad and told him that I had done it. He got a kick out of it and was impressed by my prankster skill level (duh). He later called back just to say that he "thoroughly enjoyed that and we got him good." Yeah I know we rock. We then heard from Scott the Deacon who basically said all kinds of things about me being "evil" and a "troublemaker" and how he nearly had a heart attack and that paybacks are terrible. Bring it Scott, bring it. :) Turns out Deacon #2, John the Brofriend, never got the text so was strangely silent throughout all of this. And because we couldn't let him be left out of the loop, GI Joe called him and asked in the most serious voice, if he'd gotten the text from his Dad about resigning the church. Poor John was sick in bed and kept saying, "No way" but he was totally starting to believe it. Then he said, "Are you serious?" to which GI Joe responded, "No." Then he told John what had gone down but our fun was kind of dampened by him not getting the text. We later got this text from John, "I did get the text...not cool...but funny now that I know." Dear John-As a deacon of the church it is imperative that even when you are deathly ill in bed, that you have your phone readily available so that you receive texts immediately. You never know when something of utmost importance might come through. It is election time you know, better be at the top of your deacon game. :)
So yeah there's a special place on the prayer chain for the likes of those who intentionally mess with the pastor and I'm on it. That's how I roll.