Now that he's home and I can return to some semblance of normal, whatever that is, I thought it was finally safe to tell you about the isolated incident that required me to use the machete, the BB gun, and my brute force.
When GI Joe is gone I sleep with a machete next to my bed, you know for protection. Yes, it's the same machete used to commit the corn stalk crimes. It's multi-purpose.
I had a terrible time sleeping the first couple of nights he was gone. Because I'm such an optimist and kept envisioning a masked robber breaking into our house and stealing all of our possessions and children and then leaving me for dead. Like I said, eternal optimist, that's what I am. So after getting approximately 3 hours of sleep total the first night he was gone, I was exhausted and sure I would get a sound nights sleep the 2nd night. Wrong. I tossed and turned and finally about 11:45 drifted off. Akala, the Great Dane, was in the bedroom with me and Moose, the Lab was left out to patrol the rest of the house aka sleep on the couch. Having 2 giant dogs made me feel somewhat better about our chance of survival in the wilderness alone. They really wouldn't hurt anyone but they do sound and look intimidating if it's someone they don't know. I had finally drifted off to sleep only to be awakened by the sound of Moose growling and barking ferociously, which then caused Akala to start in. I was terrified and sure that Moose was barking at the masked man who had just entered our house. I grabbed the machete and the phone and slowly made my way out of our bedroom. I was trying to sound really mean and tough and yelling things like, "Get out of my house punk, I have a machete and I will slash you!" Clearly, this would've frightened any intruders there may have been. I talk a good game, never mind that I was nearly wetting myself from fright. I ventured to the living room where Moose was concentrating his diversion efforts and found him barking in front of a window. I peeked out the window, sure I would see someone with pantyhose over their head or even worse a clown mask. Instead, I saw a yellow Lab. Phew, at least I wasn't going to have to slash anyone. I let Moose out to deal with the unwelcome visitor. They had a heated discussion in which I'm pretty sure Moose told him to get lost that Akala wasn't in the market for a boyfriend. I thought that would do it so I let Moose back in and went back to bed. I laid back down, got the dogs calmed down and starting drifting off again. Not a chance. Apparently the yellow Lab didn't get the hint and instead was in our front yard barking incessantly. I tried putting the pillow over my ears and turning up the fan to drown out the noise. Didn't work. I am so used to complete quiet at night out here in the sticks that I cannot sleep with any kind of noise like that. So I got up and decided it was time to get serious, time to break out the BB gun, and scare that dog off once and for all. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Only problem was that I had no idea how to get into the gun cabinet or where the key was. Why wouldn't GI Joe have told me this very vital information before he left? What could I do except call him at midnight when he had a PT (physical training) test at 5:30 a.m. the next morning? That's what I did. He was well, not exactly thrilled to hear from me at such a late hour but didn't ask a lot of questions, just told me how to get into it. I hung up with him, got into the gun cabinet and retrieved Dakota's BB gun and the BB's. Great plan except that I don't often load BB guns. And given the great amount of stress and pressure I was under I was drawing a blank. Time to call in reinforcements. I did what any good mother would do and woke my 9 year old daughter from a deep sleep to have her load the gun for me. We had this conversation:
Me: "Dakota! Wake up we have an emergency!"
Dakota, sitting straight up in bed with a deer in headlights look, prepared to stop, drop and roll, after all it is Fire Safety Month: "What? What's the matter?"
Me: "There's a stray dog outside that won't leave and I need to scare him off with the BB gun but I can't remember how to load it. Or why don't you just get out of bed and shoot at him for me?"
Dakota, deep sigh: "Mommy, I'm very tired so I'll just get it loaded and ready for you to shoot it."
Me: "Ok well hurry."
Dakota, loading the gun with amazing precision and skill( obviously she takes after me): "OK, it's loaded but you'll have to push the safety in before you fire. I am not taking that off for you while you're in my room. Now goodnight."
Wow, thanks for the help Dakota. I went with my weapon locked and loaded to the front door and let Moose out again. Moose had a more serious discussion with stray dog this time complete with bared teeth and intense growling. Moose knows if Mama doesn't get her beauty sleep, Mama is not pleasant to live with. I thought I'd help Moose out and stepped outside in my PJ's, yelling at the stray dog, and waving the BB gun wildly in the air. Hillbilly hilarity at its finest for sure. The dog started retreating toward the road but I had to make sure that he didn't make a return visit so I started shooting. I hit the ground, the night sky, maybe a tree, but not the dog. I totally planned that as I really didn't want to hurt the dog just wanted to scare him off and nothing scares a dog more than a BB gun popping shots off into the night sky. FYI, BB guns aren't as loud as one would hope when trying to scare off stray dogs in the middle of the night, instead it makes a laughable POP sound. (Note to self, next time use a real gun that will make a loud noise. Another note to self: On second thought, probably not a good idea to break out a big gun without supervision so wake Dakota up and make her do it. She's much better suited for such endeavors.)
Moose probably thinks he's the one that scared stray dog off but let's face it, it was probably my mad sharpshooting skills....or the sight of me with Kramer bedhead and PJ's. Whatever. The stray dog didn't make any more late night visits after that incident so whatever it was worked.
Now that GI Joe is home, the BB gun and machete have both been retired, only to come out as an accessory in the occasional corn thievery crime.