-Begged and pleaded w/ my children to put in a movie to silence the constant fighting and bickering taking place. Then had to break up the fight that ensued when they could only find 2 sets of headphones. Cried tears of self pity.
-Blade & Dakota both started in with the "Potty Dance" AFTER we had just gone through approximately 17 towns. Of course there were no other towns in sight for miles and miles so I did what any responsible mother would do. Scolded my children for being so irresponsible for not telling me sooner that they had to go AND pulled over on the side of the road to let them do their business. Strangely enough, by this time Blade had stopped the potty dance which concerned me greatly. As Dakota was relieving herself, Blade held up a National Guard water bottle that he had resourcefully turned into a catheter bag. YUCK!!! I screamed, vomited in my mouth a little, and demanded that he dispose of the entire bottle immediately. Meaning for him to get out and toss it in the grass, but NOOOOOOO what did he do? He hurled the full bottle of you know what from the 3rd row seat out the open door where Dakota was standing. I'm sure you can imagine how this all went down. It wasn't pretty folks. The water bottle wasn't completely closed so there was a lovely "sprinkling" all over the seat and the open door and just a little on Dakota.
-After cleaning up that unfortunate mess we proceeded in our journey, until about 15 minutes later Dakota and Blade told me that Ryder had wet his pants. Excuse me WHAT? I asked Ryder if he had and he didn't answer so I assumed that meant he had. Let me just say this was not one of my finer Mom moments, I yelled a little, pulled over the car, told Ryder to get out, went to the back of the car to get clean clothes out of the suitcase, grumbling the entire time, and finally got around to where Ryder was standing. Only to see him standing there in DRY PANTS. Seriously.
-Asked myself repeatedly, "Why did I think I wanted kids?" and "Is it too late to give them back?" Judge me if you want to I'm just keepin' it real here.
-Turned up my New Kids CD so loud that my kids were asking me to turn it down. I told them it was a necessity in transporting me to my happy place and it was in their best interest to just deal with it.
We finally made it to Schnepf Family Farms where Cheri greeted me w/ a not so virgin mojito. Oh sorry wishful thinking. :) I wish I could say that once we arrived it was smooth sailing from there. Not so much, but it was an adventure. Here are a few highlights:
*Their real cattle farm made our hobby farm smell like the Yankee Candle store.
*Got an education in cattle farming, when I kept calling the cattle "cows". Turns out there are no cows at Schnepf Farms. They deal strictly w/ steers and heifers who have been fixed. No calves for me to steal and take home there. Tried not to dwell on the fact that all the beautiful cattle I was looking at were going to end up on a someone's plate.
*Ate at a muy fantastico Mexican restaurant in small town Iowa. One side was a bar and the other was the restaurant. They made you wait in the bar area until your table was ready. This was a first for my children. They enjoyed a few games of pool, ate some popcorn, and lectured me at length about being in a bar. But the food, the food, was totally worth the moral implications of hanging w/ my children in a bar. Before you call to schedule me on Jerry Springer let me defend myself, the Mexican restaurant is a FAMILY restaurant and there were other kids there. So there.
*The good news was that I had leverage all day on Saturday as we got to see GI Joe for a few hours on Saturday night. Oh it felt sooooo good to say, "you'd better straighten up, I'd hate to have to tell Daddy how bad you were today," and it actually worked. Why can't I have just an ounce of that Daddy magic?