Monday, June 8, 2009

Mommy vs. Aliens

ALERT: Retarded aliens have taken over the bodies of my children.

I never used to believe in alien life forms until they took over my children’s bodies approximately 4 hours after their father, GI Joe left for his 2 week training. And now, as the Beatles once said, "I'm a Believer."

Here is the Alien Incident Report beginning at 13:00 hours on Friday (it's only fitting that we do this in military time. To figure out actual time just subtract 12 from whatever I write ex: 13:00-12=1 pm.)

Friday 13:30-took the kids to Subway before our play date, Blade refused to tell me what he wanted, except that he wanted it to have bacon. I ordered Ryder & Dakota a meatball sub and Blade and I a Subway Club w/ BACON. We sat down to eat and Blade crossed his arms, lowered his head and turned sideways in his chair, classic pouting behavior. I asked him the problem and he replied w/ “I wanted a meatball sandwich I don’t like this kind.” Help me Lord because everyone knows bacon totally goes on a meatball sandwich.

Friday 16:00-enjoyed a great playdate w/ Jessie and her kids at the park until Blade (again) had a “moment”. He and Ryder were wrestling around when suddenly I saw the look on Blade’s face change from playful to ticked off and ready to inflict bodily harm. I yelled for Blade to get away from Ryder and instead he kicked him. I walked over to where they were and told Blade to come to me so I could have a chat w/ him about this. But HE RAN away. Oh uh uh. I caught him and parked his little hiney on the park bench and told him he was sitting the next 7 minutes out. I then told Jessie in case she is called to testify in court, that he was going to be my demise during his father’s 2 week absence.

Friday 18:30-dropped the kids off at their Nana’s house for a sleepover so I could go to a movie and dinner w/ friends, to take my mind off of missing my husband and to gear me up for the 2 weeks ahead. Just what I needed. Nana is a saint and apparently the Aliens hadn't entirely taken up existence in my adorable children yet because she said they were good.
Saturday 02:30-Couldn't sleep due to strange man humming outside my window, knocking on the outside of our house and Moose waking up and barking ferociously at who knows what. The man humming outside my window has not been confirmed. Did not get more than 30 minutes sleep the entire night due to extreme paranoia. Actually considered sneaking over to Nana's house and sleeping there with the kids OR calling my friends and inviting them over for a slumber party. Did neither and instead laid in bed and thought of all the horrific things that could happen to a girl all alone in her house in the middle of the country.
Saturday 08:30-Since I'd been up for hours, went to pick up my wonderful children because for some reason I actually missed them. All was well for approximately 45 minutes.
Saturday 09:15-13:00-Endured hours and hours of fighting, whining, and grouchiness from my children compounded by my own lack of sleep. Good times had by all.
Saturday 13:20-Started rounding up aliens, I mean children, to head out to Blade's last soccer game of the season. Departure time scheduled for 2:00. Dakota was nowhere to be found. Search began.
Saturday 13:30-14:00-The one woman (me) search party was in full effect. First on foot then by 4 wheeler to find the missing alien, I mean daughter. I was confident she wasn't injured or kidnapped as she has a tendency to do this on a regular basis. Spent 40 minutes searching the entire 40 acres, calling her name to no avail. Drove 4 wheeler to Nana & Papa's house where occasionally she escapes to look at the cute kittens living under their deck. No luck. They weren't home so I opened doors and yelled inside for Dakota. Still nothing. Mama was fuming by this point.

Saturday 14:00-Decide that I have no choice but to leave her there and leave for the soccer game as it was Blade's last game and the coach had called earlier in the day to confirm that we would be there. Left a note on our front door that said "Dakota, when you see this call my cell phone IMMEDIATELY. You are in a ALOT of trouble." Approximately 30 seconds from pulling out of the driveway and driving down the road, my phone rang and guess who it was? You guessed it...Dakota! I instructed her in no uncertain terms to get out to the driveway where I would pick her up. My theory is that she knew she was in trouble when she heard me on the 4 wheeler searching everywhere for her so waited until she thought the coast was clear to pretend she was right where she was supposed to be the whole time. Mission failed.

Saturday 14:10-Dakota got in the car and told me she had been outside at Nana's looking at the kittens and hadn't heard me calling for her. BALONEY as I did a thorough search of that vicinity and turned up nothing. I told her it was best that I not speak to her for a while until I was able to simmer down a bit. All aliens were uncharacteristically silent for the duration of the trip to the soccer field. For some reason, the song "Jesus, Take the Wheel" was on repeat in my head. Maybe that's because I needed Jesus to take the wheel since I was ready to drive it off a bridge.

Saturday 14:30-Arrived at soccer game, Blade practically JUMPED out of the still moving car to escape the tension and Dakota and Ryder had fallen asleep. I rolled down the windows, locked the doors, and left them in there. It was better that way, trust me. Enjoyed a peaceful hour of watching a good game of soccer in which the very over competitive parents from the other team had to eat crow as our team smoked them. Tried not to gloat. Unsuccessful, just couldn't help myself. I needed a little bright spot in my day.

Saturday 15:30-19:30-Having finally calmed down enough to have a rational talk with Dakota the Explorer about her wrongdoing and her punishment decided to brave it and headed to town for supper and grocery shopping. I figured the glimpse of fury they had seen from their typically even keeled mother would carry me through shopping. Not quite. Endured a very UN enjoyable evening of shopping that consisted of a lot of "Get by the cart!", "Don't do that!", "Quit fighting", and "Settle down." Wanted to punch the childless women in the aisles giving me condescending looks. Refrained.

Saturday 21:00-Although it was only 9pm on a Saturday night I put the aliens to bed in hopes that their spaceship would return to get them. Took advantage of the me time by catching up on my Paula Deen cooking shows and my Glamour magazine.

Sunday 07:00-Woke up refreshed having gotten more than 30 minutes of sleep. Was sure it was going to be a better day.

Sunday 16:30-Was proven wrong when by this time I was ready to curl up in the fetal position under my bed. Tried blogging about it only to discover something was wrong with my internet. Spent an hour on the phone w/ Tech Support to no avail. During the phone call my aliens screamed, fought, and laughed way too loud w/in approximately 6 inches of me, no less than 748 times. No wonder my issue didn't get fixed.

Sunday 17:30-Finally decided to give up on my computer/internet issues for the day and get the kids loaded to go to church. I walked out the front door and discovered the remains of a dead shrew sliding down the screen door window. Dakota was quick to tattle and tell me the culprit (Ryder) and point out the other windows on the house and car that the dead shrew had left his mark. Apparently, the youngest alien was practicing his pitching arm using a dead shrew while wearing his church clothes. Thought I felt the onset of an aneurysm.

Sunday 17:45-Went to find the shrew slugger and discovered my fearless sons, climbing on top of the swingset fort awning, approximately 12 feet in the air. Didn't want to startle them by screaming at them (as I really, really, really wanted to) for fear they would fall off and require a trip to the ER and I just wasn't in the mood. They got down safely and we headed to church. Thank heavens.

Sunday 18:00-Endured the dead animal smell permeating from my son's clothing all the way to church. We were almost to church and I was venting on the phone to a friend about my terrible weekend when I looked in the backseat and the youngest alien was HANGING out his window SCREAMING. Not just sticking his head out but like waist up hanging out...seriously. I was at my wit's end by this point so do what any responsible parent would do....SLAMMED ON THE BRAKES. What you need to know is that I got my point across and no serious injuries were sustained. And on the bright side, the fresh air did help the dead shrew smell slightly.

Sunday 18:10-Sat in my car talking on the phone while the kids went in to church as it had started at 6. I finally went in, begrudgingly. When I sat down my mother-in-law leaned over and said, "I thought you had dropped them off and made a run for it." If only, if only. At least at church I had reinforcements.

Sunday 21:00-Somehow survived the rest of the evening. GI Joe called and talked to the kids and they gave him the whole "we've been really good for Mommy, Daddy." Dirty rotten scoundrels. Put them to bed and again enjoyed some much needed "me time". Tried to read a parenting book but decided to watch the Dog Whisperer instead as I think those techniques might be more effective w/ the alien children. Went to sleep praying that if the alien spacecraft returned in the middle of the night that it wouldn't wake me. Just take the retarded aliens and leave my adorable children, that's all I ask. I come in peace.
I'll let you know how the outcome of this battle. It might not be pretty.

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