Here's an example of things Heather and I do together.
Get groped inappropriately by a much too jolly Santa.
Hijack hospitals wearing masks. Our other sidekick Angie got in on this too. Hi Angie!So this post is for you Heather. LYLAS!
A few weeks ago, the kids and I decided to take one last trip to the aquatic center. If you'll recall anytime I go to the aquatic center it's an adventure.
First you should know, I collect swimsuits. It's a sickness. Much like my shoe, purse, clothes, lip gloss, pink sickness. But who wants to have the same tan lines all summer? I like to mix it up. And we do swim A LOT and I try to avoid laundry in the summer so..oh wait this is starting to sound like justification. On this particular day at the aquatic center I wore a new swimsuit. One I had picked up on sale earlier in the week. In the store I thought it was unique, cute, flattering, practical for a hip mom who would be going down water slides and such with her kids. But as soon as we arrived at the pool and I stripped off my cover-up I sent the following text to my sisters, "At the aquatic center, wearing a SWIMDRESS. When did I get so old? I don't even know who I am anymore. Love, Your Formerly Hip Sister"
Seriously. A swimdress? What was I thinking? I blame it on the pink and black. Here take a look.
You didn't really think I'd put a picture of ME wearing the swimdress up here did you? Not a chance.
In the swimdress' defense, it is cute , and it did fit great for a DRESS. Maybe that's what I was thinking when I bought it, "Hey I can wear this to church on Sunday with those pink and black high heels I have and then not even have to waste time changing out of my dress before I go for a swim." However, I felt like I was going to drown everytime I got in the pool from the weight of the DRESS i was wearing. Also, I felt 100 years old. So there's that. Pretty sure all the teeny bopper girls in string bikinis were looking at me like, "Is that lady wearing a DRESS in the pool? Old people these days."
Nevertheless, my swimdress and I decided to enjoy the sunny summer day at the pool. Ryder, my swimdress, and I headed over to the kiddie pool. While splashing around in the kiddie pool, a mama NOT wearing a swimdress but rather a more traditional suit, was playing under the buckets that drop water on your head. As she turned towards us, I noticed that she was obviously there to "hang out" as well, but in her case it was quite literal. You guys, one of her "girls" was on the loose, like completely if you know what I'm sayin'. So then I was faced with the moral dilemma of what to do. Do I tell her and save everyone in the kiddie pool from being traumatized or do I try to erase that image from my mind and go about my merry (covered) day because after all I was wearing the ever secure and all covering
Snuggie swimdress. I did what I would've wanted someone to do for me. I walked up to her, all the while averting my eyes, tapped her on the shoulder and awkwardly said, "Hi. Umm I'm not sure how to tell you this but..ahem..(cough cough) I think you may want to adjust your swimsuit" and pointed in the vicinity in which she might want to adjust. I feared her reaction but much to my surprise she non chalantly shrugged and then made the necessary adjustment. Wow, why can't I have that kind of finesse?
Speaking of finesse, or lack thereof, let me tell you about the lazy river. I heart the lazy river. Stretched out on a tube floating down a man made fishless, snakeless, mossless, non stinky river with a gentle current to the sounds of hits of the 80's and 90's... what's not to love? We typically spend a large amount of our water park time in the lazy river. Sometimes we get the double tubes and float as a family and sometimes we need our space and go on single tubes. The kids decided that this time they were too cool to go doubles with their mom, (probably cuz she looked 100, what with her swimdress and all) so we were on our own. I was walking down the "on ramp" to the Lazy River with my tube floating along in front of me when I thought I would go ahead and get in my tube, by just stepping into it feet first. That would've been a great plan if I had not been born with a lack of coordination. As I put one foot in the tube the other one got caught on the tube and I went flying face first into 18 inches of water. While I did sustain a fairly major injury (my knee got scraped up and was bleeding), at least this time even with all that commotion I was still adequately covered, thanks to the swimdress. But I think the extra material from the swimdress caused the splash that I made to be that much bigger or maybe it was me flopping around in the water trying to get my feet untangled from the tube, but all I know is that when I finally arose from my precarious face first position in the water, everyone within a 3 block radius was staring. Nothing to see here people, just an old lady in a swimdress with crazy pool hair and skinned up knees who clearly shouldn't be left unattended without her walker. She used to be hip and cool but ever since she bought that swimdress she went downhill quick.
Because I'm a trooper and was bound and determined to make the most of the quickly fading days of summer, I let my kids talk me into going down the slides in the "big pool." Up until this year everytime we've gone to the aquatic center we set up camp by the kiddie pool, you know maximum depth of 3 ft 8 inches, a climbing ship, things that spray water on you, the usual. But this year, this year, they outgrew that pool and we are now members of the "big pool". The big pool has a diving board and 2 small but scary slides that drop you off into 13 feet of water as well as a shallower swimming area. Being the thrillseeker that I am and on a mission to prove that despite my attire I was a young, energetic 30something mom I accepted the challenge issued to me by my offspring. The challenge was to go on the diving board and the 2 "scary" slides. Even in my prime I was never much of a diving board person, too many eyes watching you (in your swimsuit) as you may or may not do a belly flop instead of a graceful dive off of it. But this was for the kids so I did it (hello Mother of the Year). I dove off that diving board like Michael Phelps in the Olympics (pre pot smoking scandal) with all the grace I could muster. As I surfaced I heard, "Mommy you looked like a DOLPHIN!!!! That was AWESOME!" I know kids, I know. That was all the encouragement I needed to face my next challenge...the slides. I love waterslides but these were a bit ominous as they were very short and abruptly ended about 8 feet above the water leaving you to plummet to the bottomless fathoms below aka 13 ft pool. I'm not gonna lie, I screamed as I went down them. I screamed a lot..and loudly. And then I got water up my nose because I was too busy screaming to prepare for the drop into the water. And then the lifeguard asked if I was okay. And then my children laughed at me. And then I went and sulked on my chaise lounger and read People magazine while eating all of their snacks. :)
All while wearing my swimdress.