Thursday, May 14, 2009

Runnin' on Empty

It's time for a flashback edition of Hillbilly Hilarity. I was inspired by a birthday gift I received to share with you one of my fuel management stories.

Rewind to a mid summer's night 2008.....(written real time the night of the incident)

So you may be wondering why exactly I'm blogging at 1:23 in the morning? Funny story, well not actually yet but it's a funny story in the making. And while my husband is off trying to rectify the situation and probably calling divorce attorneys I thought I would get started on laughing about it. :)
It's been a long week, teaching at Vacation Bible School every night for 2 hours at church and just one of those weeks at work. I'm tired. So VBS comes to a successful conclusion....woo hoo! After staying awhile to clean up and tear down I head home to make my grocery list. I decide that as tired as I am I do not want to make time for it tomorrow. Justin, Blade and Dakota opt out but Ryder wants to go along. Aww sweet mother son bonding time even though it's 10:30 at night. What kind of mother takes her 4 year old son out shopping at 10:30 at night? We all know I'm THAT kind of mother. So Ryder and I venture off to my Wal Mart, he's chatting up a storm, we're singing, and laughing, it's a good time. We get there just before 11:00 and decide we have to make a run for it cuz the store closes in one hour. We get to the checkout at exactly 12:01 where the nicest biggest nerd ever (he told me "riddles" the entire time and then looked at me as if I had a 3rd eye when I didn't get them) says he'll ring us up in the express line. Yay, we caught a break. We pay and we're on our way which is good because I'm fighting off utter exhaustion by this point.
Let me mention at this point in the story that my Low Fuel light has now been on for over 24 hours. I am convinced that my gas gauge is off by 7 gallons and it's lying to me so I'm not concerned. And as some of you know I avoid the gas pump at all costs, it's one of my least favorite things in the world to do, right up there with eating peas. Even before I had to cash in my life insurance to fill up I hated it. Now I hate it even more, I feel like I'm giving in to the government and their lack of willingness to help out the common folk by drilling in our very own North Dakota, when I've been there and I think some oil rigs would actually be a welcome change of scenery. Ever been there? It's the most boring, ugliest place in America. I digress, back to the story.
I'm driving home, Ryder promptly falls asleep before we even make it to the interstate by Wal Mart. I'm jealous and have to utilize every trick I've ever heard of to stay awake while driving. FINALLY, I turn on to our gravel road...4.2 miles and I'm home! Life is good, I'm thinking of which groceries can wait til morning to be put away and planning how late I'm going to sleep in tomorrow when approximately 3/10 of a mile from our driveway the Princess Mobile pretty much goes to sleep. And by sleep I mean no more purring motor, it stops completely. Even in my sleep deprived state I have a pretty good hunch what the problem might be. I pick up the phone and dial the number I always call when something breaks or goes wrong....1-800-GI-JOE! Why would he not answer on the 1st ring? 3rd ring? VOICEMAIL!?! Are you kidding me? I could be car jacked and halfway to Mexico and he's not answering the phone! Seriously. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I try again, home and cell. NADA. I weigh my options, do I lug my 95th percentile 4 year old UPHILL to get home and wake GI Joe up to make him come fix this mess OR do I lock the car, turn on the flashers, and attempt to run home to wake him up. This is where I should mention for the first time, that I typically only run when being chased. I make it home breathing heavy and kinda freaking out cuz I can't really see my car from our house since it's at the bottom of the hill. And because I have some paranoid apocolyptic friends who have rubbed off on me (you know who you are) I'm convinced I should probably just call the PD and start the Amber Alert now. I get home, I go into our bedroom where GI Joe is of course sound asleep in bed. The nerve. Imagine his surprise when I come storming in, out of breath, yelling something about running out of gas at the bottom of the hill and Ryder's in there. He finally becomes coherent and I explain the situation. I'll interject here by saying that my husband is a very good looking guy and can usually look hot in anything. USUALLY. I found out this evening that gym shorts, no shirt and rubber chore boots, maybe not quite so hot. The more coherent he becomes the angrier he gets. After 10 1/2 years of marriage, we've tamed his temper so now he just gets quiet and his face reddens and he walks harder, rather than yelling the first things that come to his mind. But I know I'm in trouble. The silence is deadly. He stomps to the backyard to get a gas can and I hop on the 4 wheeler cuz I need to get back to my sleeping baby before he is abducted. But then I think, wait maybe he'll want a ride so he can get their quicker too. See just being considerate? Turns out he needed a brisk walk. We get back to the truck he pours in the measly gallon or so he had left in the gas tank and tells me it's probably not going to work since the car is going up a hill and all the gas is running towards the back. Darn physics. And then the lecture know the one, "Why didn't you stop and get gas? How many gas stations did you pass on the way home?" and so on and so forth. He's kinda using the tone that I have only heard on several occasions in our marriage and that I despise greatly. But for once I just sit back and take it and let him say his piece. (Between you and me I knew he'd feel bad about it later.) And I did kinda deserve it. I apologized and admitted to it being a really stupid thing to do. He's storming around looking under the hood and doing whatever it is you do to get a car running. He decides that I should just take Ryder and the 4 wheeler and go back to the house. I can't imagine why he wouldn't want to spend quality time with me at this point. He comes back to the house to get his "tools" and put on a shirt and change his shoes. Thankfully. I debate about immediately logging on to myspace to blog about this or to go try to help. I decide for the sake of my marriage I should at least make an effort so off I go on my evening stroll down the road. I get there and he informs me (in that tone again) that it looks like he's gonna have to go to the nearest town with a 24 hour gas station (not ours) which is about 10 min away to get gas at 1:00 in the morning. I think he was insinuating that he wasn't happy about it. I offer to go, but he insists. I'm convinced he's going immediately to find a 24 hour lawyer who will file a divorce. I'm wondering if it's too late to text Amanda to find out the name of her divorce attorney, I'm going to need alimony. Turns out a drive and a few minutes was what he needed to clear his head and come to his senses. He calls and apologizes for being a jerk, I apologize for being high maintenance, we laugh about how he's the one that told my mom before we were even engaged that he wanted to marry me because his life would never be boring, and that maybe he needed to add a clause about not being boring within certain hours. Call off the divorce lawyers, all is well. I start blogging about it, it's gonna be a great story.
UNTIL....I hear a car door slam. It's been about 45 minutes now that my car has been sitting at the bottom of the hill and not one single car has gone by, the joys of living in the boondocks. But how could a car door slam when GI Joe was still off on the quest for gas? Oh great, I forgot my purse in the car and now some drunk person that just left our small town bar got in my car and stole it. Being the purse girl that I am (it was one of my favorites) I storm out of the house on a mission. No need for the four wheeler I'll handle this on foot. I call GI Joe back and make him stay on the phone with me in case I'm attacked. Yes, I'm thinking rationally even at 1:45 in the morning. Maybe not so rationally since I didn't bother to grab the flashlight or a weapon. I'm tough I'll figure it out. Until a cat runs by me. I freak a little and move on towards the truck. Just like in the movies, as I get near the truck I yell out "Get away from there!", in my most authorative, mean voice. Nothing. Now they are either in the truck or hiding in the bushes waiting to beat me. I still have GI Joe on the phone, he's getting quite the kick out of this but quite frankly I'm a little terrified. Apparently, he didn't realize the seriousness of the situation. Whatev. I reach in my coat pocket hoping to find a hatchet or something to protect myself with but instead find four 2" wood screws. It was JGI Joe's coat, I at least would've had perfume or nail polish that I could've done some serious damage with. But I'm resourceful so decide I will poke the purse stealer's eyes out with my 2" screw. I'm prepared for battle. I get to the truck, and open the door like they do on CSI. Screw raised in the air, ready to fire. Nothing. I grab my purse and start running like a scared little girl back towards my house, while still on the phone with GI Joe. Now for those of you who know my husband he has a sick sense of humor. So he's hearing this all going on when all of the sudden he asks me "what was that noise? i thought I heard someone". I scream, a bloodcurdling scream, at 1:45 in the morning, in the middle of the peaceful countryside. My screaming causes our peacocks to "scream" as they do. Picture this if you running up a hefty hill with my cute pink polka dot purse in one hand and my other hand full of screws between my fingers, brass knuckle style, on a cell phone screaming. Lovely, but at least all the commotion must've scared the alleged purse stealer away cuz I made it safely inside the house and locked the door. Did I mention that I'm not much of a runner and this was uphill? Note to self...time to start that exercise junk again.
I wish I could say all ended well when GI Joe got back with the gas and the truck started right up. But of course that wasn't the case, instead even afer 5 more gallons it didn't start so we had to tow it up the hill to our driveway, where it is currently "resting". I'm sure that once it has a good night's sleep on level ground it will be good as new. And maybe so will I....

Now we're back in the present where GI Joe LOVES to tell this story to all of our friends. P.S. After resting and a few more gallons of gas the Princess Mobile was just fine.

And because I have awesome friends that are always looking out for me I got this for my birthday....

No, you can't find pink gas cans in any stores, I asked. No siree, this baby was custom made for me by my friend Dougie D. I made him a man purse for his birthday, he made me a pink gas can for mine. I think we're even. This sucker is getting filled up and will be a permanent resident of my trunk. I will just have to remember not to throw my cigarette butts back there anymore. As if.

No more runnin' on empty for the Prairie Princess. Thanks Dougie!

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