Brokeback Llamas

Warning: This post contains graphic content of a sexual nature, animal that is. Rated PG-13.

Meet Carter (white face) and Cash (black face).

Have I ever told you about our llamas, Carter and Cash? I think we’re close enough now that I can tell you the dirty little secret of the Koons Zoo.

Our llamas are gay.

There I said it, I feel better now that that’s out in the open. I’ve never outed a llama before.

Here’s the proof.

I’m sorry you had to witness that but just be glad you didn’t get to hear the “noise” that goes along with it. It’s disturbing. In fact, that noise is what beckoned me out of the house to take the picture. I thought it was the cry of a dying animal but instead it was the cry of a llama being violated by his “partner”. I feel like we are running some kind of prison ‘round here as I’m not certain that the receiver was a willing participant, at first anyway.

Needless to say they were pretty stoked when the gay marriage passed in Iowa. Imagine how befuddled we become trying to explain why 2 boy llamas act like one is a girl. We’ve convinced the kids that animals do that to show dominance or who’s boss, which they do just not quite to this level and frequency, but those are minor details that the kids can work thru in the mandatory therapy they’ll likely be sent to after showing the bully on the playground at school “who’s boss”. Have mercy.

We bought these llamas together a few years ago. They’d been raised together and were “guard llamas” that protect sheep and goats. That’s why we got them, well that and I love llamas. What’s not to love about an animal that walks around with it’s nose up in the air like it’s some kind of royalty and spits if it gets mad enough? They are just entertaining and that coyotes and other predators are terrified of them is an added bonus. The llamas we had before we got these 2 were very tame and we’d take them for walks down our country road, because yes, we are THAT redneck. Sadly, Carter and Cash are not those kind of llamas. Instead, they provide hours of entertainment and open up the door to many a talks about the birds and the bees with the kids with their R rated antics. We just can’t pet them, they only have eyes for each other. Gag me.

WANTED: One very attractive female llama. Must be outspoken, strong willed, and able to turn two male llamas straight. Must be a believer in polygamy as will be paired with not one, but TWO male llamas. Top hay, benefits, and 401k provided.

We’re currently on the hunt for the perfect female llama, in hopes that she will provide a “distraction” and by an act of God, turn these llamas straight. I know I’m dipping in dicey water here but one can hope right? Besides that I’d like to have a baby llama and clearly that is NOT going to happen given the current conditions. I realize that bringing a female llama into the equation at this point, opens another Pandora’s box of awkward explanations to the kids, ESPECIALLY if the plan fails and the boy llamas continue in their current “lifestyle”. Oi vey, this could get ugly. Suggestions appreciated.