What you are about to read is not for the weak stomached or the faint of heart. My apologies in advance for mentioning bodily functions in my blog. Gay llamas is one thing, but poop, well that just might be crossing the line. Please forgive me.
Recently, I had to have the age old talk with my boys. The one I'd been dreading. The one they never prepare you for in Lamaze classes. No, not the birds and the bees talk, I think our animals have already paved the way for that one. This one was much more disturbing. I had to have the "no pooping in the yard" talk. Yeah, you read that right, unfortunately.
Sunday, Dakota came in from outside and reported that Ryder had, ahem, relieved himself in the ditch. I wasn't thrilled with his choice of location, as the ditch is visible from the road, but I also wasn't overly alarmed as they are BOYS who live in the COUNTRY so this wasn't really unheard of. UNTIL, she elaborated and used the words "#2" to describe just what he had relieved himself of.
I felt all at once, a failure as a mother, disgusted, mortified, repulsed, ashamed, did I mention DISGUSTED? I read Ryder the riot act while trying to keep my gag reflex under control. I thought that was the last we'd have of this problem.
When will I ever learn to expect the unexpected?
A few days later, we were enjoying another sunny, warm day when I happened to look out my kitchen window and noticed Blade walking around the yard in nothing but his shirt and boxers. I realize they are straight up hillbillies and I'm lucky he even had his shirt on but typically even us hillbillies keep our pants on. I yelled outside and asked where on earth his pants were. He gave me a sheepish look and scurried off to retrieve his pants, leaving me confused. That's when Dakota again came to the rescue. She informed me that Blade had just pooped in the backyard and that we'd better get the dogs inside because they were sniffing around it. That kicked my gag reflex into high gear, my apologies for letting you relive that with me. Needless to say, THIS MAMA WAS MAD!!!
I understand urges but it's not like it's a 10 minute jaunt from the backyard swingset to a bathroom inside the house. Blade and I had a little heart to heart. He had no defense, just pure laziness and didn't want to waste time with a trip inside. Unacceptable.
I had a little "cut the crap" meeting with both of my public poopers and in no uncertain terms let them know that this was to NEVER EVER happen AGAIN. I also decided on a punishment that I thought was fair for the crime....scoopin' poop.
As in an entire winter's worth of poop deposited in our front and back yards by our 3 dogs. Oh yeah. You do the crime you do the time boys. They then spent an hour and a half fertilizing our garden with their finds.
Mama ain't takin' no crap.
This is typically where I would insert a picture of the events but I love you too much to do that. You're welcome. Instead think happy thoughts and let's look at what might come out of my very well fertilized garden.