Monday, September 28, 2009

The Corn Robbery & Ryderisms

A few random glimpses into life here at the Koons Zoo.

*I found a glass full of mud on the kitchen counter tonight. When I inquired about it, I was told by Ryder that it was apple seeds because he was going to grow some apple trees. And then he said to me and I quote, "You can call me Johnny Appleseed." Seriously. So I told Johnny to please move the glass outside to the deck so that it would not be mistaken for chocolate milk. I'll let you know when our apple orchard is open for business and Johnny Appleseed is scheduled to sign autographs.

*Speaking of Johnny, I mean Ryder, he loves to play board games. He recently got a game set that included chess. Tonight he came into the kitchen and said to GI Joe, "Daddy, will you play chest with me?" GI Joe responded with "No buddy, I only play that with Mommy but I will play CHESS with you." Insert eye roll and a "that's so wrong" here. Don't worry, went right over Ryder's head and he promptly starting setting up the chess game and then as he and GI Joe were playing he kept saying things like, "I'm so good at chest" and "I love playing chest." Better not hear that from him when he's 16.

*Then there was the tale of the Machete, the Cornstalk, and I, the Prairie Princess. I was at the landscaping store the other day and saw that their cornstalks were $9.99 a bundle. I repeat $9.99 for one bunch! I decided that since we live right across the road from a cornfield I would just trudge over there and hack some down with the machete. I know what you're thinking, "that's not a very good idea". That's kind of the same consensus my family came to as well. I was not to be discouraged, I found the machete, asked GI Joe if I was holding it right, put on my work boots and was ready to head out. Everyone decided to join me to, as they put it "watch me cut my leg off", thanks to my supportive family. We walked over, I leading the pack with the machete held high over my head for added effect and the family following along behind offering encouragement such as "you're going to die". We found a patch of cornstalks that met my satisfaction, not too much green, not too brown, and I gave one of the stalks a good hack with the machete. Nothing happened, not even slicing my leg open which I thought was inevitable. GI Joe took the machete from my hand and within seconds had 6 stalks cut down for me. We then had this conversation:
GI Joe: "Uh oh I think I heard a car."
Me: "Why would it matter if there's a car?"
GI Joe: "Because we don't want Mark the Farmer driving by and seeing us steal his corn"
Me: "WHAT?!? We're STEALING his corn?!?"
GI Joe: "Yeah duh, what did you think we were doing? He makes his money off of this corn."
Me: "Oh crap, I thought he was done with it."
GI Joe: "Uh no, he hasn't harvested it yet that's why the stalks are still high."
Me: "Oh my what do we do? What if he recognizes it when he drives by our house and sees our porch decorated with cornstalks? Maybe we should cut it shorter so he doesn't think it's his?"
GI Joe: "Let's just go home."
So I'm holding my cornstalks trying to walk sneakily out of the field when GI Joe who was in front of me said, "Oh hi Mark. Yeah my wife was just stealing your cornstalks." I nearly had a heart attack. Of course Mark the Farmer wasn't actually there, GI Joe just has a twisted sense of humor. But that spooked me so I took off in a dead sprint, and by dead sprint I mean I nearly died from sprinting, cornstalks in my arms, running towards our house, bound and determined to get to the safety of our yard.
But seriously....I ROBBED A CORNFIELD. You would've thought GI Joe could've mentioned it prior to the adventure because I really didn't think of it like that. What have I become...a corn thief? Now what do I do? Do I go try to stand the stalks back up that we cut down or do I go buy a case of canned corn and place the box in the row where the stalks once stood? Do I send Mark the Farmer a check for $9.99 and assume his prices would be the same as Earl May? Or do I just go about my decorating and hope Mark the Farmer doesn't notice that the cornstalks by our front door are very similar to the ones that were growing in his field, 3rd row in? Oh the moral dilemma. I blame GI Joe. He KNEW and yet acted as an accomplice. Yeah that's what I'll tell Mark the Farmer..."GI Joe made me do it." or "I'm sorry I didn't know any better, I'm not a REAL country girl."

Gotta go I think I hear sirens.

Yours Truly,

Fugitive from the Farm


  1. Annette Taylor WahlbergSeptember 28, 2009 at 9:09 PM

    Okay first of all I had trouble reading the rest of the blog because Jerry and I were laughing so hard about Ryder and "Chest"...hilarious. I can just see GI Joe saying this....stealing corn don't worry Farmer Mark will plant more next year! glad you didn't hurt yourself!!

  2. CHEST~funny!! I like GI Joe's comment, that is something Mark would say-or I guess ANY guy would say...BOYS!
    Go back out & chop some cornstalks for me to decorate with, this time go more than 3 rows in, so the farmer won't notice!