Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Naked Truth

You know that kid  in the locker room that cowered in the corner and tried to change clothes in such a manner that they were never exposed in any way? 

That will not be Ryder.

You know that kid who runs through the locker room, laughing and yelling, buck naked while making everyone else in there uncomfortable?

That will totally be Ryder. 

Homeboy has a problem.  He is not a fan of clothes.  He seriously turned down playing baseball this summer when I informed him that he could not wear swim trunks to baseball practice and that he'd have to wear shoes.  Apparently clothes+shoes on a regular basis in the summer=no deal.  He has always been like this and once the temp outside hits above 60 he's in swim trunks and shirtless.  Inside, year round it's pretty typical for him to strip down to just his underwear the minute he walks in the door from school.  A common phrase around our house is, "RYDER, PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"  Poor Dakota to have to grow up the sister to an  exhibitionist.  That 5th grade Health class about the anatomical differences between boys and girls?  Didn't even phase her. 

Lately though, he's taken it to a new level.  Or should I say UNlevel. 

Yesterday, I told him to go do his outside chores which included watering the emus and taking care of the chicks in the chicken coop.  Granted, when he left me to go do his chores he was wearing nothing but his boxer briefs because that's what he'd "worn" all day.  I mumbled a half hearted "put some shorts on before you go out" but knew it was falling on deaf ears.  When he came back inside awhile later, gone were the undies and in their place?  Umm NOTHING. 

"I got all wet when I was watering the emus so I just took my clothes off before I finished the rest of my chores."
"And by clothes you mean JUST your underwear right?"


"So you're telling me that a) you stripped in the yard and there is a pair of underwear out there right now and b) you went in a chicken coop FULL OF HENS to gather eggs and take care of the chicks COMPLETELY NAKED?"

"Yeah, so?  I got my chores done!"

"You could've gotten PECKED on the.....pe...arm!"  (Keep it clean here people what did you think I was going to say?!?)

Why would they peck me just because I'm naked?"

"Never mind, but please tell me no one drove by when you were outside NAKED?"

"They did but I hid. I'm gonna go exploring now."

"Ok but you HAVE to put on some clothes and SHOES before you go."

Five minutes later I saw him traipsing through the pasture...in a fresh pair of underwear and Nikes.  He listens well, but at least he had on underwear and shoes, that's progress right?  I would've taken a picture but well, this is a G rated blog, you understand. 

What age do they start charging with indecent exposure again?

He's going to stay with my sister IN THE CITY next week and I have already had the "when you're in the city you CANNOT run around naked. That is frowned upon and you could be ARRESTED," talk.  I am not above using the LAW to scare him straight or clothed as the case may be. 

His reply?  Deep sigh followed by, "Do I have to wear a shirt?"

Good luck sis.

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