Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Mistaken Identity

After the events that transpired today I have to trade in this shirt..
For this one....

That's right...MEN in uniform, as in plural.

On my lunch today I thought I'd run over to the furniture store and take a look around as GI Joe and I have been discussing new furniture. 

Imagine my surprise and delight when I walked into the couch section of the store and saw the back of my beloved husband in uniform. 

"Ahhh how sweet!  I must've mentioned to him that I was going to run over here on my lunch and he thought he'd surprise me and look with me!  What an awesome husband I have! I love him!"

I sidled up to him, wrapped my arms around him from the side, cuddled my way into my spot by his side, under his arm, and flirtatiously said, "What are YOU doing here?"  while batting my eyelashes heavily.  Let it be known, that I know how to WORK IT GIRL. 

I was pouring it on so thick and batting my eyes so heavily, that it took me a second to look up into my beloved's face. 

A very long second...

In that second, I thought to myself, "He smells weird."  Because my GI Joe?  He only wears cologne when he's NOT wearing his uniform but somehow he still always smells great. It's his top secret bodywash and deoderant or maybe it's just the essence of GI Joe.  He just smells good and clean and masculine.   So good in fact that the other day when he walked into the gas station, the clerk said to him, " smell WONDERFUL."   A little forward, yes but I couldn't be mad because she speaks the truth.  So the fact that he didn't emanate his normal "Swagger" smell?  Should've been a clue. 

Because then I looked up into his face, the face I promised to love, honor, cherish til death do us part.


Then everything went into slow motion and I put my hands to my face as it turned 14 shades of red and said, " OOOOOOOH YOU'RE NOT MY HUSBAND!!!" 

To which the nice man in the matching uniform to my husband's said nicely, although a bit taken aback, "No, I'm not."  Then he smiled. 

And with that I ran out of the store never to return, while he went home to his wife and told his wife, "Hey honey, found a new couch and a wife I didn't know I had today." 

In my defense, he was the same height, build, hair (or fuzz colored since there really isn't much hair), same red neck (and I mean the actual color of his neck not his upbringing or way of life but let's be honest GI Joe is a redneck in more ways than one) and was standing just like GI Joe does.  Upon further reflection, I now realize that most people in uniform stand that way because it's kinda part of their military training, so sue me.  Also, and please don't think I'm a racist, but they all kinda look alike when in uniform, especially when they have their hats on. 

Exhibit A
If you turned these boys around you'd never be able to tell the difference.  Please note neither of these is my husband. 

To insure that I don't make this mistake again, let's play a little game. 

Pictured left to right:  Not my husband, not my husband, not my husband, not my husband, REALLY not my husband, and not my husband. 

But this?  THIS is my husband.

I win!  Isn't he so cute? 

This is my husband who I just begged and pleaded with to get him to go put his uniform BACK on 20 minutes after he just got out of it just so I could take this picture for the blog.  And he complied.  Even AFTER I hugged another man in uniform today.  That's just the kind of awesome guy he is. 

So the next time you see a man in uniform, any man, doesn't matter who, doesn't even matter what kind of uniform.  Could be a soldier, a firefighter, a policeman, the pest control guy, whomever, walk up to him, wrap your arms around him in an inappropriate and awkward manner, and then thank him for his service.  Or run away shrieking, "YOU'RE NOT MY HUSBAND!!", whichever you prefer. 

Do it for me, do it for your country. 

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