Starting with How to Give Your Chicken a Bath 101
Step 1: Get up really early the morning of the chicken show. Look half asleep, don't bother getting fully dressed because you live in the country after all, no one is around to see your fashion faux pas. Oh wait, Dakota is fully dressed it was the photographer who may or may not have still been in her PJ's. Fill 3 buckets with warm water. The first bucket is just plain water, the second is a bucket of warm water mixed with Pantene Pro-V with Extra Shine Booster, and the 3rd is water and vinegar for even more added shine, according to the 4Her's Guide to Showing Poultry.
Step 2: Dunk your chicken in each bucket, starting with the water rinse, followed by the shampoo, finished up with the pickled chicken dip.
Step 2: Let the chicken spend a little time in each bucket to kick back and relax to prepare for her big day of being on display at the fair. It ain't easy being pretty.
Give a lady her privacy as she lounges in the tub.
"Hey can I get a People magazine and a Diet Coke up in here? CALGON take me away!"
Settle down Reba, Diet Coke coming right up.
Step 3: Be sure to name your red chickens Reba, Wynonna, and Lucy. And then address them by their names any time you speak to them which should be frequently because chickens have feelings too!
Step 4: File a restraining order against the peeping tom rooster who keeps strutting around trying to get a peek. Pervert.
The restraining order will prove useless but chasing him off while imitating him and cock-a-doodle-dooing loudly turns out to be quite effective (and hilarious.)
Step 4: Lather the ol' girls up with the Pantene Pro-V so they can look like they just stepped out of a salon and the other hens at the poultry show will be jealous of their gorgeous, shiny, flowing
"To the left a little, now up, ahhhhh right there, that's the spot."
Step 5: Towel dry with a fluffy towel. Or if you're in a hurry you can blow dry them but we were trying to keep the traumization to a minimum for the day.
Step 6: Once everyone's had the full spa treatment, load Lucy, Wynonna, and Reba up in their transport cage and give them strict instructions not to poop on each other. Try to ignore the pickle smell that emanates from them. Focus more on their shining, clean beauty and the fact that they didn't seem to mind bathing in the least. Never mind that everything you'd read about chicken bathing (and yes, you read quite a bit about it) said they wouldn't like it and might be spastic. Of course, the only chickens in the world who enjoy pampering and warm baths live at the Koons Zoo, where else would they live?
Step 7: Arrive at the fair and positively BEAM because you're so proud of your chickens and so excited and nervous for your first poultry show. I mean, look at the gloss on those girls, it's blinding! Also, you may feel like throwing up from nerves or so we've heard.
Step 8: Impress the poultry judge with your vast chicken knowledge, your beautiful chickens, how you handle them correctly, and how bonded you are with your chickens. Apparently, not everyone at the poultry shows names and holds their chickens daily. Weirdos.
Step 9: When the judge is done with you and you put your chickens away, turn around to your mom and dad and make the funniest face ever and loudly breathe a sigh of relief. And yay for you, you didn't puke!!!
Step 10: Bring home the BLUE RIBBON because you and your chickens know how to work it, girl!
Step 11: And while you're at it bring home a second blue ribbon for your awesome, non chicken related artwork.
Step 12: Once your work at the chicken show is done, go watch a show featuring pigs who do tricks and listen to your mom exclaim loudly the whole time..."GI JOE, WE CAN'T BUTCHER HORMEL LET'S TEACH HER TRICKS INSTEAD!!!"
Step 13: Roll your eyes and sigh loudly. Because your mom? She'll never be half the country girl you are. Silly mommy, pigs are for bacon not for tricks.
Step 14: Consider your first venture to the county fair as a 4H'er a smashing success and begin planning immediately for next year's showing which will likely expand beyond chickens and include calves, pigs, and/or goats. Roll your eyes again as your mom tells you that you'll have to get much bigger buckets to give a goat or a pig a bath.
Step 15: Head home after signing autographs, fending off crazed fans, and making media appearances (aka posing for pictures for your mother), tell your chickens they made you proud and then tuck them into bed in the barnyard. Fall asleep with a huge smile on your face and your blue ribbons proudly displayed on your wall.