Monday, November 8, 2010

When GI Joe is President

The elections this week got me thinking about my future, my future as a First Lady. OK so that may sound a bit presumptuous but GI Joe DID get at least 6 write in votes for the U.S. Senate yesterday so he's clearly on his way. But seriously, the guy does have some very real political aspirations, just as soon as his time being a full time soldier is up. Apparently, there's some silly rule about an active military member being unable to be in political office. Personally, sometimes I think those are the ONLY people that should be in political office because no one seems better suited to me to make decisions about war and terrorist attacks and such than those doing the actual grunt work. But that's just me.

And now for the first shameless plug in his non existent campaign. He will be the breath of fresh air in politics that this nation desperately needs. No, he's not politically correct all the time but guess what? Alot of people are sick to death of all this politically correct, we can't hurt anyone's feelings crap. Can I get an amen? :) He knows what he's talking about and is passionate in his love for God, his country, his family, and his beliefs. And he's not afraid to stand up for what he believes in. He won't be influenced by other powers, money or any of that. Also, he's easy on the eyes and let's be honest that never hurts a guy running for office. Thank goodness Marilyn's dead.

So because I'm a Type A Planner, I've been thinking/planning on what I will be like as a politician's wife, specifically the First Lady. You know my motto, go big or go home. I think it would be safe to say that it will be like nothing this country has ever seen before.

For starters, I WILL wear this to the inaugural ball.

I WILL have a cow, (Holy, obviously) on the White House Lawn. And a peacock...and an emu...and a goat...and well, how would I ever decide who to leave behind?!?

I WILL do some redecorating in the White House as I think it's a bit stuffy and could use some pops of color.

I WILL walk around barefoot on the White House Lawn. I guarantee that the hillbilly children will be too, probably with their shirts off. I will however, stress the importance of not pooping on the White House Lawn. Gotta keep it classy.

I will NOT do laundry anymore...hallelujah!

When we are being photographed, I WILL demand to see it and approve before it's released for viewing. And if it's not suitable to my liking I WILL demand a retake.

I WILL probably fire the cooking staff and do it myself and insist that we continue to sit down as a family every night for dinner, when logistically possible. If a foreign prime minister or Secretary of Defense would like to join us that's fine.

I WILL still cut out coupons and be a bargain shopper. Hello, if our country were run like a lot of our households would we have such huge national debt? I think not.

I will NOT have a personal shopper or someone who tells me what to wear, unless of course, it's my friend Annette.

I will NOT have a speech writer because I have a feeling they wouldn't let me tell funny, sometimes inappropriate stories, and who wants to live in that kind of world?

When GI Joe is campaigning, I will save the media and opponents the trouble and just refer them to my blog to get all the "dirt" on our family aka me since GI Joe is as squeaky clean as they come. You know what they say, opposites attract. Here goes, YES, I was arrested once for 3rd degree reckless throwing which is a step below a felony and YES, I stole corn once from a neighbor's field, and YES, I have a terrible driving record, and YES, I have the occasional shot of brandy when feeling under the weather and YES, I am upholding my end of the deal to make sure GI Joe's life is never boring. So there you go, put that in your tabloid and smoke it. Speaking of smoke, YES as a new mother I did once buy a pack of cigarettes. light one up, take a big hit off of it and then blow the smoke in my newborn daughter's ear because I'd read somewhere that doing that will cure an earache. Not sure if it actually worked but it definitely seemed to make her feel better! Don't worry the patch comes in infant sizes. And let me just get it out there now, YES I did INHALE.

We WILL still go to church every Sunday, not because it "looks" good but because that's who we are and it's very important part of our lives. And it will probably be Baptist, a black Baptist church, if I have any say. Because they know how to get down and also, I bet their potlucks are out of this world. And I'm all about the potlucks.

I WILL insist that instead of those $2,000 a plate political hob knobbing dinners they have in D.C. frequently (does no one else watch Real Housewives of D.C.?) that everyone bring their favorite dish to share. Just think of how many taxpayer dollars we could save if we turned those high falutin' dinners into potlucks.

My limo WILL be pink. And my Secret Service men will smile. I simply cannot be surrounded by such serious people all the time. I would constantly be giggling and scheming ways to make them laugh.

I WILL make sure that GI Joe has nobody with a last name that starts with L and ends with Ewinski working for him.

When meeting various political figures and leaders, I WILL tell them what I really think. Even if it's not politically correct and may make them mad. Ummm, don't care.

Instead of being known for great arms and sleeveless dresses like First Lady Obama, I WILL be known for my fantastic use of lip gloss.

I WILL use my power to finally convince Carhartt to make coveralls in pink and make them sorry they ever ignored my letter to begin with.

I WILL still blog and tell you all about it.

I leave you with this...


Oh and did I mention, I WILL be his campaign manager?


  1. You got our votes!! Just as long as you let us visit whenever we want. How would you feel about making a big track out front of the White House that we could ride the wheelers and bikes on??

  2. haha!!! he's got my vote (kudos to his great campaign manager!)

  3. Awesome post! Very creative. And you're right, if the government clipped coupons and bargained shopped like so many of our households, we WOULD be a lot better off.