Thursday, July 22, 2010

National LampKoons Vacation '10: Maggie the Crackhead

Maggie is our GPS.  Maggie is on crack. 

We say no to crack.

Here's proof of Maggie and her crack use.

Arrow=our vehicle    Blue=ocean

Contrary to Maggie's belief we were NOT driving in the middle of the ocean as the arrow in the middle of the ocean showing on her screen indicates.  Shocking, I know.

We thought this was just a minor faux pas and that surely, Maggie could be trusted for the duration of our trip.  


Let's review the times Maggie was responsible for a) our near demise  and b) GI Joe's "special" vein making an appearance. 

*The time we were desperately seeking a Wal Mart and she took us to a lovely suburb of the city we were passing thru and took us directly to an empty building.  Don't worry it was only 20 minutes out of the way, 40 by the time we found our way back to the interstate.

*The time we typed in Grand Canyon National Park, AZ as our destination and after driving all day, which was odd since my spreadsheet said it was only a 6 hour drive, found ourselves in a downtown corner in a small Arizona town with Maggie cheerfully saying "You've arrived!".  Liar.  There wasn't an even a river or big rocks there so it's not like we could even pretend. 

*The time we rerouted to the REAL Grand Canyon from the downtown corner and realized she had taken us approximately 2.5 hours out of the way.  Sweet.

*The time after we'd spent the day at Elitch Gardens, a combination waterpark/amusement park in Denver and were starving for Pizza Hut pizza.  She led us to not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Pizza Hut FAILS.  The first was a Pizza Hut express in a strip mall that was closed, the second an abandoned building in the warehouse district of downtown Denver, the third a PIzza Hut express (we needed full service),  and the fourth would've been a success had she not led us to three wrong ones before getting us to a good one, 2 minutes before they CLOSED.  Thanks Maggie, dying of starvation IS in fact exactly the way I wanted to go. 

*The time that we were driving down the interstate in Colorado at lunchtime and she told us there was an assortment of restaurants just a mere 2.4 miles off the interstate.  Except, as we drove the 2.4 miles, she changed her tune to 5.7 miles, which then turned into 9.6, which turned into 22.3 and so on.  By the time we finally arrived at the promised "assortment of restaurants", found one that was open and appealed to us, ate our lunch, and got back on the road it was SUPPER TIME.  Superb time management skills there Mags.

*The time there was a sign on the road for our destination, in front of our very eyes, that said Sea World Turn Right and Maggie kept insisting we turn left.  She's not one to get in an argument with as she's very unbending and stubborn, it's like she doesn't even listen.  If we were married we would totally be in counseling.  We showed her though, when we powered her down and followed our hearts the sign.   

*The other time we were again searching for a PIzza Hut, since our craving for it had not been satisfied previously (see above bullet) and she led us to TWO different abandoned buildings.  In her defense, one clearly used to be a Pizza Hut but was no longer, the other there's no defense, she was just messing with us.  That night we decided to beat her at her own game and called the PIzza Hut directly to ask for directions.  And then we followed their directions instead of Maggie's, while she screamed at us, "MAKE A LEGAL U TURN, TURN AROUND!...ETC," the entire way there.  We could've turned her off and driven in peace but it felt like we were getting revenge on her.  Justice is served, and so was the pizza...finally. 

So either we're signing Maggie up for the new season of Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab (she's basically a celebrity since I've blogged about her) OR she's getting plugged in and getting a little update.  After all she's put us through, she's lucky to still have her prestigious spot attached to our windshield.  She's on probation currently.  Watch yourself Mags, watch yourself. 

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