Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Time I Was a Raging Drunk

Catchy title eh? It might be because I’m drunk right now. Settle down sisters, Grandpa, and church friends. Call off the prayer chain, it’s for MEDICINAL purposes. However, this post might just be my first ever drunk blog and probably the last if the intervention I know you're staging goes as planned.

After a fabulous Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I woke up on Sunday feeling awful. Sore throat, feverish, weak, headache, the whole shebang. I stayed home from church, hence the beginning of my downhill spiral into a life of booze, and sent the kids to church w/ their Nana and Papa since GI Joe was off playing Army. I tried to take a mom sick day but being that I am a supermom/wife wannabe there was laundry to be folded and put away, floors to be swept, a dishwasher to be loaded, you know the norm. And I have some disorder that does not allow me to be sick and do nothing until my house is clean and orderly. I mean if I die, I don’t want everyone descending on my messy house. That in and of itself…total sickness. So anyway after doing my to do’s with sporadic breaks placed throughout so that I could continue without fainting or dying, I retired the couch at about 7 for some catch up time with Tivo thinking surely some rest, relaxation, Vitamin C, Theraflu, and “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” season finale would kick this cold by Monday morning.

Monday morning, I woke up bright and early, except not feeling so bright, still feeling pretty downright awful. Sucked it up and went to work armed with Sudafed. I’m not afraid of a little medicine head. Was slightly bitter that GI Joe is working some crazy long mandatory hours right now and wouldn’t be home til late, meaning I had to do all the Monday night running the kids around which equated to no sick time for Mama. Sidenote: In the midst of my Monday night chauffeuring, I rolled down my window on the Princess Mobile and it got stuck. So I got to drive around the rest of the night in 11 degree weather with my window partly done. Awesome. Do you see why I’ve been driven to drink?

Amidst all this, I sent GI Joe this text:
“Please pick up some mini bar sized bottles of brandy. K? Thanks.”
His response: “WHAT?”
My response: “Brandy for medicinal purposes.”
*Crickets*-no response.

You see a wise man once told me that a shot of brandy will cure the common cold. I’ve always passed that advice on to everyone I know. Something about the alcohol killing the germs and the potency of the brandy clearing your throat and sinuses and so on, sounds believable to me.. Maybe he was just trying to get me drunk but at this point I’m up for anything cuz Theraflu, Sudafed, etc just aren’t cutting it. Surely it can’t be any worse than NyQuil. Incidentally, NyQuil acts like speed for me and keeps me up all night and makes me loopy. Remind me to tell you about the time I got my unborn baby, Blade, drunk on NyQuil. Good times..good times. Even prenatal, I was mom of the year.

And now back to my current stupor, by the time we got home at around 8pm I was done for and really looking forward to GI Joe walking through the door w/ my brandy. When he walked through the door about 30 minutes later bearing HyVee sacks I began pillaging immediately for my brandy. Like an addict needs her drugs, that was me. Imagine my immense disappointment when there was no brandy. WHAAAAAAT? He said he couldn’t find any little bottles of brandy, just the big ones so he didn’t get any. Can you believe that nonsense? In my time of need, he let me down. I chugged some more Theraflu and went to bed, bound and determined to buy my own darn brandy, big bottle or not.

Fast forward to now, when my cold has stepped up to nearly intolerable levels and making me absolutely miserable. I have a high tolerance for pain (hello, 28 hours of labor, NO DRUGS and no, I will never let that go) but colds are the worst and this one in particular is not doing me any favors so I decided to give the brandy theory a shot (pun intended). So on my way home from work I procured a stewardess sized bottle of brandy. Much to my disappointment I was NOT Id'ed, I blame this cold it makes me look tired, haggard and apparently OLD. Once I got home I decided the best thing would be to just have a straight up shot of brandy and see how that worked. That stuff is NASTY. It burned going down but I felt it burning the bad germs right up and clearing my throat and sinuses along the way. Turns out I'm a sleepy drunk and immediately following my shot I took the best 2 hour nap of my life and woke up feeling somewhat human again.

Now it's time for bed and the earlier effects of the brandy have worn off and I'm feeling crappy again so I made myself a little bedtime hot toddy. Mostly I just like to say hot toddy.

I can’t say for sure if it’s curing my cold or not but I can say that I’m feeling pretty good right now, dancing on the kitchen counters and such.

Bottoms up…or down…or what the heck did I do with my pants?

Time to lay off the brandy. Someone call Dr. Drew.

Yours from Rehab,

Prairie Princess

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