Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Frightful Fun According to Some

Have I ever told you that I am not a fan of Halloween? Let me list the reasons why: bats, scary masks, spiders, clowns, costumes, scary masks (oh did I say that already?), Haunted Houses, too much candy + no willpower=tight jeans, cold, and last but not least…poopy ninja pants.

At first I was going to tell you the whole sordid tale about the Trick or Treat night poopy ninja pants but then decided that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t be able to handle it, or want to for that matter. I barely lived through it. Besides that I think it may traumatize the not so innocent child involved if I blogged about it to the entire blogosphere as it was not one of his (or her) prouder moments. But if you do want some good, funny, bodily function stories go here http://nothinggetscrossedout.com/faf/the-naughty-files/. Jessie has lots of them AND the stomach to relive them by blogging about them. I’m not there yet. Gay llamas? Yes. Poop incidents? No. It just feels wrong.

How about instead of poopy ninja pants I tell you about how I nearly soiled my own pants Haunted Housing this Halloween season? Sounds like fun right? Maybe for you, not so much for me.

One might ask why someone who is easily frightened, loathes dark places, scary masks, spiders, bats, creepy things, costumes and clowns would subject themselves to Haunted Houses which are known for having all of these things and more. It’s against my will. I am forced to every year by my husband and our friends John & Trish, and more recently, our entire church youth group. Apparently, I’m THAT much fun to go Haunted Housing with. And because I do enjoy making sure others have a good time and being the life of the party I allow it, I guess. I’m kind of (non sexually) sadistic that way.

The outing was planned months in advance and I looked forward to it with dreadful anticipation. The pros: We always have lots of fun with John and Trish and there was bound to be dinner. The cons: The Haunted House part. When the day of terror finally arrived, I woke up with a pit of fear in my stomach. Every time I thought about our plans for the evening, my heart would
race and I'd break into a cold sweat. I tried to think of reasons we shouldn't or couldn't go. We couldn't find a sitter so I was confident that was my out. Until we discovered that the Scream Park we go to had a Low Scare Kids Package and also that our kids were more than excited for their first Haunted Housing experience. Darn, although I was slightly relieved and excited about the possibilities of Low Scare since we'd have the kids with us. Maybe I'd actually survive a Low Scare Haunted House. Oh who am I kidding?

We arrived at the Scream Park and got in line to go thru the first Haunted House, the low scare "Castle of Blood". Sounds scary right? There was a big group of us including my mother-in-law, father-in-law, 2 teenage girls, 3 teenage boys, John and Trish, and then our family. Dakota started showing signs that she is in fact my daughter, getting wide eyed and jumpy every time she heard a noise and started saying she had changed her mind that she didn't want to go. GI Joe assured her it would be fine. I was too busy jumping and screaming at the slightest movement to be of any comfort (and this was just waiting outside in line.) However, I did warn Dakota to not take it personally but that once we entered the Haunted House I wouldn't be able to pay any attention to her as I could only be concerned with my own survival. I know, I know Mother of the Year. The creepy lady taking the tickets at the entrance, whom I couldn't look directly at for fear I'd wet myself, informed us that we'd have to split up into groups of 5 or 6. And that's when I lost all of my low scare comrades except for Dakota. Blade wanted to go thru w/ the teenagers and Ryder wanted to go thru with his Nana and Papa and Dakota's head was buried so far into Justin's hoodie that we assumed she just wanted to stay with us. Blade went first as I yelled to the teenagers he was going with, "DON'T LET THEM HURT MY BABY! KEEP HIM SAFE!" Don't worry he wasn't the least bit embarrassed. Then it was Ryder's turn to go thru and I gave him a similar speech and then off he went into the darkness. A few minutes later Blade came out with the teenagers SMILING. He loved it and said, "Mommy it really wasn't that scary." Then creepy lady gave us the go ahead to go in. And the horror began. It was terrifying and horrible and I screamed...A LOT and LOUDLY. The creepy guys in masks kept chanting my name in their Satanic voices and that is more than I can handle. How did they know my name you ask? Hmmmm...because I have such wonderful friends and family, that's how. I may have sold out my very own daughter and threw her to the back of the line because I wanted GI Joe behind me, you know for protection. Hey I warned her! I had a death grip on Trisha in front of me and a death grip on GI Joe behind me. Somehow we made it out of the Castle of Blood alive....barely. I was experiencing shortness of breath, chest pains, racing pulse, you know the norm but no one was concerned, they were all too busy laughing at how my sons had managed to go through it and come out smiling and laughing and their mother was about to keel over from fright from the same Haunted House.

We moved on to the next Haunted House, Chaos, at the Scream Park that was supposed to be the scariest. All I knew is that I could hear a chainsaw and that alone caused me to break out in a cold sweat. People did NOT come out looking relaxed and peaceful. No, mostly they came out looking terrified. This was NOT a kid appropriate, low scare one so the kids hung out with Nana and Papa while John, Trish, GI Joe, and I got in line. And because I'm still too traumatized from the whole ordeal to talk about it I'm going to turn the blogging reins over to GI Joe and he'll tell you about the rest.

GI Joe: Two years ago my buddy John and I thought that it would be hilarious to have a mask with us to put on going through the Haunted Houses. Well this year I bought one, THE MASK FROM SCREAM, while I was in Little Rock, AR for military school. (Sidenote: Prairie Princess HATES the Scream mask, she gets freaked out in the costume aisle at the store just walking past it...perfect.) It took so long to finally buy one because, anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate shopping. I can spend all day in -20 degree weather deer hunting, but when I step thru the doors of a shopping mall all energy is drained. I called my buddy to tell him the news, and we knew this was going to be a special year at the haunted houses. I hid the mask under the driver's seat in my truck, so Prairie Princess would not accidentally see it and ruin the surprise. I was able to tuck the mask in the pocket of my hoodie (God bless hoodies) to have it ready to go. While standing in line a character in a scary mask with a red light kept walking thru the line, and every time Prairie Princess saw him she would become short of breath and a little jumpy. We finally came to the entrance of the haunted house known as Chaos. The order that we went in was my buddy John, then his wife Trisha with Prairie Princess' face buried in Trisha's back, and me. I was the "protector" of anything "bad" happening to Prairie Princess! Mmmmuuuuhaaaaha!! When Prairie Princess enters haunted houses, she has no sense of reality. I was able to slip on the " Scream" mask, and pull my hoodie over my head, all while she maintained a death grip on my right arm. My buddy likes to take it slow throughout the haunted houses because they put a lot of work into them, and we may just like to make our wives' torture, I mean, experience last. A little ways into Chaos, PP became brave enough to pull her face out of the back of Trisha's coat, just long enough to turn to make sure I, her "protector" was still there standing strong. Instead to her horror she looked straight into the face of "SCREAM"! The look on her face was priceless. Her eyes started to well up, and death came across her face. She took off running, not knowing where to go, screaming. She was yelling "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HUSBAND!" This phrase was repeated over and over again. Let me remind you, I had to put on the mask while she had a death grip on my right arm. She kept running throughout Chaos, running over a little girl that was with her family, who went into Chaos before we did, scaring the crap out of her. Imagine the Prairie Princess running. In case you can't, do you remember the TV show "Friends"? There was a woman by the name of Phoebe who, when running, had all limbs going in all directions causing bodily harm to anyone who was within 5 feet of her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_0Ta_DIWuU&feature=PlayList&p=AD159D3A5988BEBD&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=47=47) That is PP running. At the end of Chaos, there was a man waiting with a chain saw that chased people out of the haunted house. Our children thought it would be funny to wait right outside of the exit to scare their Mommy when she came out. Remember Phoebe running, and the warning of anyone within 5 feet? Well, let me just say when the chainsaw revved up, PP ran over, and toppled our children trying to get to safety on the outside of the haunted house. I think she scared them more than they scared her the way she came tearing out of there, limbs flailing. Once on the outside she found a bench, and sat there trying to catch her breath, and muttering " My heart hurts!" while the rest of us gathered round her laughing until our hearts hurt. What a great night. I still have the mask hidden just waiting for the right moment to.... Well you know! One last thing, PP could not sleep that night, I can't imagine why. She kept getting up, and starring at me to see if I had the mask on. One night I will! Oh yes! One night I will!

Prairie Princess: Do you see what I have to live with? Something else you should know about this experience. When I turned and saw that I was clinging to a guy in a Scream mask I actually thought that one of the actors had slipped in and taken GI Joe's place. So not only was I face to face with my nightmares, but I also thought they had killed off my husband. I had no idea it was my husband, the man I love, the father of my children playing a cruel joke on me. So you can understand why I was just a wee bit freaked out, right?!? I didn't find out it was him until I was outside on the benches having the paddles of life being applied to my heart. So NOT funny.

And that was only the 2nd Haunted House, there's still a Haunted Walk to tell you about. It's a miracle I'm still alive to blog about it really.

I leave you with this....because I want you to get the full experience.

And now I will never read my own blog again. ***Shudder****


  1. Hilarious! GI Joe is so funny/mean! I'd never seen the Phoebe running clip - that in itself is hilarious and then to imagine you running that same way... well, isn't too much of a stretch. :)

    Thanks for the link... sadly (actually, happily) it'll soon be be in poor taste to blog about accidents now that Jett is *nearly* 100% potty trained. *Sigh*

  2. It's about time you got yourself a "pretty" background!
    Good job GI Joe!

  3. Who knew the pretty background was so easy?!?