Wednesday, July 1, 2009

White Trash Bash

If you are someone who likes to do any of the following at a supposed family event: a) wear little to no clothing regardless of your size b) get drunk and act like an idiot c) get in a knock down brawl over FREE t-shirts d) get drunk and act like an idiot, oh did I mention that already? My bad. This post will probably offend you and I'm okay with that.

For the past 3 summers our local country radio stations have put on what's called the Big Country Bash where they bring in 7-10 country artists, some up and coming and some big names, to a huge park for an all day outdoor event. We went 2 years ago and it was an enjoyable day just sitting outside, soaking up the sun, and enjoying some good music. This year one of Blade's favorites, Bucky Covington of American Idol fame, was one of the names in the lineup. The rest of the lineup really didn't interest me but I told him I would take him to see Bucky. Tickets were cheap and kids got in free so why not? It was the least I could do since I had abandoned my family for a 2 day NKOTB road trip adventure, ahhh New Kids, oh sorry, I'm easily distracted. Anyway, Bucky was one of the last 3 to perform so we didn't have to go til late in the day.

I should've seen the writing on the wall when Blade and I walked right up to the gate and went right in while the Security Guard chatted with his girlfriend. So glad I paid $21 for the ticket when I could've just walked right in. Neat.
Because Blade is my son he wanted to be as close to the stage as possible, that's how we roll. There were thousands of people there, many of whom had lawnchairs set up and had claimed their space early in the day. We finally made it thru the maze of barely dressed crazies and wound up standing right in front to the side of the stage. It was prime real estate. Picture with me if you will, people and their lawnchairs, who have been sitting out in the sun all day drinking way too much beer since it was more easily accessible than water. Seriously, ONE water vendor for 15,000 people while beer vendors aplenty. Something is definitely wrong with that picture. Now imagine those dehydrated, drunk people acting stupid. I'm not stretching you am I? I knew it. Now keep that picture in your mind you'll need it for the rest of the story.
As soon as we found our spot we stayed put and waited for Bucky to take the stage. In the meantime I was able to teach Blade some valuable life lessons. First, the radio deejays took the stage and threw some free t-shirts out into the crowd. About 4 feet to our right side was a woman and her family sitting in a chair and in front of her were 2 other woman. The shirt came their direction and the ones in front went for it but the one sitting down, stood up and got in on the action and got it away from the ones standing up. While most thought it was JUST a t-shirt these mamas thought it contained the sweat of Elvis because a full on brawl ensued over a T-SHIRT. Seriously! Words were exchanged which required me to cover Blade's ears because they weren't pleasant, and then before I knew it, the one sat back down and grabbed the one standing up yelling by the tank top and yanked her down so they could be face to face where she screamed some more unpleasantries at her. Sidenote: These were some big mamas so let's just say when the tank top was grabbed and pulled down, "stuff" came flying out. Real class acts I tell ya. So as you can imagine that just fueled the fire and chairs started flying, until FINALLY Security managed to walk the eight feet from where they were "guarding" the entrance to the buses and break up the fight. Do you see a theme here? Security was not exactly top notch. They escorted the females (I refuse to call them ladies) away for questioning and eventually when they came back the one that ended up with the t-shirt had been asked to leave. I kid you not, as she and her family were packing up their chairs she got the last word in when she yelled at the females she'd been fighting with earlier, "At least I got the t-shirt !#%*@." Really? REALLY? It probably didn't even FIT any of them.

Blade's Life Lesson #1: Pick your battles and never marry a woman that would behave like that or your Mama will kill you.

Then, as if Blade hadn't already seen more than his innocent eyes should have, there was more. A group of ahem...interesting people had set up a circle of chairs right to the right of the stage. In this circle were several shirtless men who did NOT sport the Jordan Knight chiseled abs and chest, but instead looked like they were carrying a pony keg around their belly. Blech. They were extremely inebriated and were doing all kinds of dirty dancing moves in the center of their circle of chairs that made me vomit in my mouth. One of the guys, kept holding his LIT cigarette in his BELLY BUTTON while he drank his beer. I am not making this stuff up. Also, in the "circle" was a woman who we'll call the Drunk Desperate Housewife (DDH for short), who looked about 45 trying to be 20, with her frosted hair, French manicure, miniskirt, and halter top. She was the one policing the circle and yelling at anyone outside of their circle that tried to cross thru it or got to close to their chairs while trying to go around. The problem was that they were set up in such a bad spot that it was impossible for people not to have to get close or cut thru. She was annoying me from the time we got to our spot. She didn't say anything to me because we were behind their chairs and over a little bit, and also because I look so tough and mean, obviously. But then a kid of about 19 and his girlfriend, came up and were standing in front of me. I was holding Blade as the concert had just started and with all the pushy, half nekkid, drunk people he couldn't see just by standing on the ground. Apparently, the kid was crowding DDH's chair so she got up, turned around and got in his face, screaming at him. The kid was just standing there looking at her like "Dude, what's your problem." She must not have liked something he said or the way he looked at her because before I knew it she threw her entire glass of beer on him. Except not just on him because Blade and I were standing right behind him so guess what? We were showered as well. Oh uh uh. I am about the most laid back, fun person you'll ever meet at a concert but that's crossing the line, especially when I'm holding my 7 year old son. After she threw the beer she stomped off to refill her beer. But she'd ticked off my inner Mama Bear so I put Blade down, told him to stay put, and I went after her. I caught up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned around, she saw the fury and we had this conversation:
DDH: "Uh...uh....uh....I didn't mean to get it on you I was talking to that kid."
Me: "I don't care who you meant to get it on, that was uncalled for."
DDH: "He was too close to my chair and that's our area."
Me: "I don't care if he was sitting on your chair that's ridiculous. You need to tone it down lady. You don't OWN that piece of land, and can't tell people where they can and cannot stand. I think you either need to sit down and shut up** or you need to leave before you tick me off anymore. Some of us are here to enjoy the concert and you're so drunk you don't even know what you're doing."
**shut up is a naughty word in our house and I never say it, that I used it in this scenario is an indication of my anger level
DDH: (deer in headlights look) "Uh...uh...uh....I'm sorry about getting beer on you."
Me: "As you should be, now get out of here."

And I went on my merry way back to my son, who was looking at me with a whole new appreciation like, "Whoa you don't want to mess with my Mama." I don't get that way very often but when I do look out. DDH took my advice and was packing up to leave but not before she told her belly button smokin' friend and another guy that the kid had gotten smart with her. So here we are again, the kid is standing in front of me and these 2 drunk guys come up and start getting in his face for making DDH upset. I felt sorry for the kid and by this point these drunk people were REALLY REALLY getting on my nerves and I was on a roll so I figured why stop now? I went ahead and got right in the middle of their conversation and told them that the kid hadn't done anything but stand there and that they needed to take their drunk girl home before she got hurt. And believe it or not they did exactly what I told them to do. I think they heard that I'm a tough farm girl and wrestle goats for fun.

Blade's Life Lesson #2-Don't drink and dirty dance.
Blade's Life Lesson #3-Don't drink and smoke with your belly button.
Blade's Life Lesson #4-How 'bout just don't drink?
Blade's Life Lesson #5-My Mama is one tough chic.

By this time I had had about enough of the White Trash Bash and was relieved when Blade looked at me and said, "OK Mommy we can go now," even though Bucky wasn't completely done with his set. But we didn't leave before Bucky sang his song titled, "I'll Walk" and I looked over in the crowd and saw this....

The irony of it wasn't lost on me but ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Now don't get me wrong I'm totally not making fun of the fact that there was an amputee in the crowd. But I am making fun of the fact that this person would actually remove their prosthetic and hold it up during the "I'll Walk" song. I'm sure Bucky was thinking, "Dude? I'll give you an autograph but please put your leg back on."

And that was our cue that we were totally out of our league and it was time for us to go. And somehow when we pulled in the driveway next to the Peacock Crossing sign with the sounds of roosters crowing and sheep baaing in the background, I felt at peace with our redneckness. Because I know there are some things even us rednecks won't do.


  1. PP - half the time when I go to a concert (or anywhere there's a ton of people - you should see me at the airport) I just sit and people-watch. It always boggles my mind how totally weird some people are and how some people don't seem to know about common curtisie (or apparently, how to spell without spellcheck). lol. Anyway, I'm sorry you and Blade had a bad time especially after dishing out the money for the tickets.

  2. Oh my! This makes me embarrassed to be an Iowan! Pre-cursor to the state fair? (Sorry, fair-goers, I know you're not all bad.)

  3. Wow! I need to get out more, I'm missing all the excitement!