Thursday, April 21, 2011

Llama Liasions

I know you came here to read about the mating habits and sexual preferences of the llamas at the Koons Zoo and I assure you, I will not disappoint.  You can also breathe a deep sigh of relief because there are no llama porno pictures included in THIS post. Not saying I'm above that, just saying I don't have any good pictures to share...yet.

Loretta Lynn Llama joined our herd a few weeks ago.  Remember, she was a gift of love from my sweet GI Joe?  When she came to the zoo, we decided to keep her segregated from the male llamas for a bit so as not to ahem..overwhelm her and also to give us a chance to bond with her.  We were so relieved when the formerly gay llamas kept hanging around the fence to the barnyard where Loretta was, showing interest, assuaging our fears that they were too far gone, so to speak.  Although between you and me, I think Carter has switched teams for good if you know what I mean, and instead of fathering Loretta's baby he'll probably be helping her decorate the nursery.  Things got intense and I witnessed a rather heated display of jealousy, between Cash and Wally (formerly Dolly) two of the male llamas, because one didn't like that the other got closer to Loretta Lynn Llama than he did.  Loretta flirted, teased, and toyed with those boys for a few weeks.  There were candles, llama serenades, roses  hay, nose rubbing and an assortment of romantic displays between the boys and Loretta, all with the fence between them of course. 

Until one day last week...

I came home to discover that now instead of 3 llamas in the pasture we had FOUR.  I asked GI Joe why he had let her in with the other llamas when I wanted to keep her separated a few more weeks because she was just starting to warm up to us.  But GI Joe had nothing to do with it.  Loretta Lynn Llama jumped a 4 1/2 foot high fence to be with those boys.  Reminds me of someone when they were a teenager....hmmm....anyway, moving right along...

So the candlelight and roses paid off and there she is, happily surrounded by 3 boys.  And she's working it too, let me tell you.  I can say with certainty that we will have a baby llama born at the Koons Zoo at this time next year.   Gestation period of a llama 12 months..stinks to be a llama huh?!  But what I cannot say with certainty is who the father is.  We may need to book an appearance on the Maury Povich show to have some paternity tests run. Because, how do I put this nicely, Loretta has been getting around
Clearly, she was not raised in a good Christian home because the girl is loose as a goose.  Her previous owners never mentioned that she was a bit of Jezebel. But I'm not here to judge, we all have our crosses to bear, all I know is I'm having a llama baby!!  

Thankfully, the kids haven't noticed her lack of selectiveness as they are just recovering from the emotional and mental scarring of the brokeback llama displays. 

Also, I've since renamed Wally formerly known as Dolly...Conway.  Conway Twitty Llama, formerly known as Wally, formerly formerly known as Dolly, has a nice ring to it right?   Hey if Prince can do it so can I.  I'm hoping that history repeats itself and that Loretta Lynn (Llama) and Conway Twitty (Llama) will fall in love and be together forever and songs will be written about them.  No offense to Cash (the Llama) because he walks the line but I'm pulling for Conway to be the llama baby daddy, he's just a nicer guy llama. And I just cracked myself up there in case you were wondering...walk the line?!?  Ahahaha.  Seriously.   
Since daytime TV is cancelling all the soap operas, just keep tuning in here for more episodes of "All My Llamas" or "Guiding Llama" or "One Llama to Live Love" or "Young and the Restless" (wait, no llama word play needed, that pretty much sums it up).  I'll bring you up to the minute coverage of the life, love and babymaking of the llamas here at the Koons Zoo.   

Happy Friday and Happy Easter.  I'm anxiously anticipating the unveiling of this year's Koons coordinated Easter Ensembles, you'll be amazed.  I'll post pictures next week of our annual early Easter morning torture photo shoot. Have a good one!

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