Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Parents in Low Places

Ever hear yourself say something to your kids that you instantly think, "I can't believe I just said that, what kind of parent am I?"

Don't be shy, it happens to the best (and worst of us).  Including yours truly, which probably comes as no surprise since I am a repeat recipient of the prestigious "Worst Mother of the Year" award.  In the spirit of full disclosure and helping others learn from my mistakes, I'm going to share it with you.  If someone becomes a better parent after reading my parenting faux pas, well, then I'm willing to sacrifice my dignity.

Recently, the kids and I were driving in the car, jamming out to the radio, country radio to be exact, as I heard those familiar notes that took me right back to the 90's.  Even though  I was "black" when the song came out it doesn't matter, everyone who was the ages of 12-25 knew every word to this song and still does.  Even if you hate country (like I did when I was black) you probably know at least a few words to this song.  Am I right?

Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots.....

I immediately cranked it up as loud as it would go because that's what you do when Garth Brooks circa 1990 comes on the radio.

And then you sing as LOUD AS YOU CAN. 

And ruined your black tie affair, the last one to know, the last one to show, I was the last one you thought you'd see there..

"Mommy, why did you turn it up SO LOUD?!"  At least I think that's what they were screaming over the blaring radio and my awesome singing...

And I saw the surprise, the fear in his eyes, when I took his glass of champagne.  And I toasted you, said honey we may be through, but you'll never hear me COMPLAINNNNNN...

"MOMMY?!?  What is this song?"

"This is Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places", listen and learn my children," as I cranked it up a few more notches.

"CUZ I'VE GOT FRIENDS IN LOOOOW PLACES...." (hand motions included)

"Kids, listen closely because this is one of those songs you need to know in life.  Everyone knows this song and you'll be expected to sing along when it comes on no matter where you are."

"But why Mommy?!? It's SO old."

"Because kids, this song is played in every bar you'll ever go to."


Record scratch, rewind, wait, what? Am I really singing this loudly and telling my kids to learn the words to "the whiskey drowning and the beer chasing their blues away" because it's played in every BAR THEY'LL EVER GO TO?!?

Turn off the radio Casey Kasem, we've got a parenting FAIL on our hands. 

Scrambling to recover, "Uhhh I mean, every dance you'll go to in school, and at lots of concerts artists will play this song, and weddings, it's always played at weddings, because it's a classic country song.  And you'd better NEVER EVER hear it in a bar because you have no reason to be in a bar."

"How do you know they play it in bars, Mommy?"

"Uhhhh....I've just seen it on TV, now how about we listen to some Elmo or some Veggie Tales?"

But they are so over Elmo and Veggie Tales, so instead I rewrote the lyrics to this classic, everybody ought to know song. 

Friends in Low Places (Kid Style)

Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots
And ruined your black tie affair
I was the last one to know, the last one to show, I was the last one you thought you'd see there (because it was past my bedtime)
And I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes when I spilled his glass of KOOLAID
Then I toasted you said Honey, we may be thru but you'll never hear me complain! (unless you make me eat spinach again)
Cuz I got friends in low places (because they're 4 feet tall)
Where the Pepsi drowns and the CHEER chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
Well, I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the O-aaaaa-sis
Cause I've got friends in loooooow places

I would think as a parent himself, Garth would've recorded this kid friendly version of the song but my internet searches for it have proven fruitless. 

As for me,
Well, I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong (in the good parents club)
But then, I've been there before (like alot)
Everything's alright
I'll just say goodnight
And show myself to the door
Cuz I'm a parent in low places.  :)

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