Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Cowgirl Up

Adding to the list of things I never thought I’d hear/have to worry about, was the text I got from a neighbor a couple Fridays that read, “I think your donkeys and horse is out.”

I can tell you with great certainty that when I was a girl growing dreaming of my future, it never once crossed my mind that this would be something that would concern me or ever enter into my realm of thinking.  I would’ve told you you were straight up crazy if you’d told me this would be something I’d hear in my future life as a country farm girl and then I would’ve drown you out by turning up the bass on my Snoop Dogg tape.

Nowadays?  It’s still crazy but it’s also  MAJOR.  Snoop Dogg should write a song about it.

Livestock on the road is never a good thing. Livestock on the road is really not a good thing when the livestock owners are not home.  Livestock on the road is really, REALLY not a good thing when GI Joe is an hour and a half away. 

Nothing like having to tell your boss you have to take your lunch early so you can go home and COWGIRL UP to get your donkeys and horses put away.   I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Off I went.  My neighbor text me again and said that Farmer Mike (the one I steal corn stalks from in the fall) had gotten them into his pasture but he wasn’t sure where they were getting out at.  I was worried that a) they wouldn’t stay in his pasture and would somehow get out again and b) what if HOLY COW had gotten out too and had wondered off never to be seen again?  Oh, I couldn’t stand the thought.  But actually knowing Holy, he’d be sitting on the front porch chewing on flowers, waiting for us to get home instead of lost in the wilderness.  Nonetheless, I was worried.

I booked it home, slightly exceeding the speed limit.   But I was fully prepared that if I got pulled over I would nicely explain to the officer, “Officer, I have to hurry, I have an emergency! MY HORSES AND DONKEYS ARE OUT AND ON THE ROAD!”  I’m sure I would’ve been excused without a ticket, right?

As it turned out, I needn’t worry as I made it home without incident.  I drove down the road to the spot of the last sighting of our livestock and didn’t see them.  I was sure they had escaped again and were probably in Omaha by now or that they had wondered further down the road, someone had hit them, totaled their car, would sue us, we’d lose everything and wind up living in a van down by the river my Princess Mobile down by the pond.  Sometimes I’m kind of a pessimist with an overactive imagination…just sometimes.  I checked the main gates and they were all closed which meant that the ONLY other gate, the one clear back in the pasture that separates our pasture from Farmer Mike’s, had to be opened.   So I got back in my Princess Mobile and drove as close as I could to it, which is really not that close considering there’s a creek and steep hill to cross before you can get to the gate that is impassable by PMobile (and sometimes 4wheelers as I’ve a friend  has found out the hard way.)  I checked the small outbuilding in the area and found two of our horses, Jasmine and Beauty, and the mini horse, Pegasus, but there was no sign of horse #3 (Joe) or the 2 (stupid) donkeys (Kanye and Beyonce, obviously).  I parked the truck and hiked up the hill across the creek to the gate and lo and behold, it was open.  Then I saw 3 white spots in the horizon on Farmer Mike’s pasture, Joe and the stupid donkeys.  I was trying to figure out my plan of attack, would I need to go get some grain in a bucket and try to lure them that way? Or should I go out to them and get behind them and drive them back thru the gate and on to our pasture?  Would I get out my lasso and lasso them in?  Uhh, n to the Negative to that last one as someone, likely me, would get hurt with me swinging a lasso around.  Also, we all know my aim .  I decided to just yell out for Joe, the horse, because I thought maybe he’d tell me what to do or at least acknowledge my presence.  You guys, I’m totally not saying this to brag but I’m basically the horse whisperer.  Because as soon as I yelled “Joe” in my special, animals only tone not quite baby talk but syrupy sweet, he came RUNNING across the pasture to me.  Oh wow, ok 1 out of 3, that’s a good start.  But the donkeys concerned me because they are not exactly social (except with each other, incest is NOT best but they think it is).  They’re basically dead to me because they don’t ever let me pet them and you know the rules of the Koons Zoo, it’s all about the petting (tee hee).  Anyway,  I stood there trying to figure out this pickle I was in, wishing I’d just been able to go to Ulta on my lunch as planned instead of this mess, when all of the sudden the donkeys looked up, saw that Joe had come back onto our side of the pasture, and came sprinting through the gate.  Wait, what just happened?  Did I just corral 1 horse and 2 donkeys back into the pasture?  Why YES I DID.  Then like the true farmgirl that I had just proven to be, I fixed the gate, got it all secured so we would not have a repeat performance of this escape, and hiked back down to my PMobile.  FIVE MINUTES FLAT, people, and I didn’t even break a sweat.  I’m kind of a BIG COWGIRL DEAL.  I felt invincible and tough after that.  Something about handling that situation like a boss,  while wearing my “I can do anything, don’t mess with me” cowgirl boots made me want to go ride a bull or chop down a tree or break something.  I  was feeling COUNTRY STRONG.  Were you aware that just simply by wearing cowgirl boots your entire outlook and attitude changes?  Truth.  Try it, they’ll put some swagger in your step and some mojo in your mind. 

I really only wore boots to work today because they looked cute with my outfit, NOT because I thought I’d be doing cowgirl stuff.   But then I corralled 2 donkeys and a horse back into the pasture, fixed a gate, and STILL had time to get a burrito from the drive thru, on my lunch hour.   I guess that’s just the cowgirl in me. 

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