Tonight Tonight

Tonight, tonight, I am just too exhausted to blog. I had all intentions of thrilling you with stories from our New Kids On the Block concert and road trip adventure. I just can't do it yet. I'm suffering from NKOTB Nemosis. I've been suffering from all the symptoms including irritability, fatigue, and moodiness all day. Actually, I should say my family has been suffering from my symptoms all day. I need one more day to collect my thoughts and emotions about the experience. It was that intense people. Have I told you lately how much I love New Kids? Just thought I should remind you.

Speaking of love, GI Joe & I got into a deep discussion yesterday regarding my LOVE for them (specifically my NKOTB husband Jordan) when he called it LUST. Don't worry he said it with a smile and a laugh, he's very secure in his place in my heart, right next to Jordan. (Cha-ching!) But it's not lust people. I've known Jordan much too long and know too much about him for it to be lust. I've loved him through the bad hair and eyebrows to the beautiful specimen of a man he is now. Lust doesn't last but love withstands the test of time. 19 years to be exact and here we are.....

With that I'm going to leave you with this picture.

Sweet dreams. I know I'll be having them. :)

The Need for Speed & Other Happenings

If you're still checking this blog for updates after being disappointed by the same old post every day for the past week, I thank you. Thanks for sticking it out with me. To the rest who gave up on me and figured I'd probably gotten distracted by an emu or Uranus or something and deleted this blog from your Favorites, you'll be missed. It was fun while it lasted. Now for the 3 of you left, this one's for you.

Admittedly, I probably shouldn't quit my day job anytime soon to become a professional blogger. But this week I did have valid reasons for my lack of new posts.

Let me recap for you.

*Got pulled over for going a "consistent 68-69 mph in a 55". At least I was consistent right? Wrong. No amount of lip gloss and hiking my skirt helped me avoid the $87 ticket. Don't think I didn't try. I have no shame. Gone are the days of getting pulled over approximately 17 times and only getting 3 tickets (hello '95-'96). I'm blaming the kids, who in this case totally threw me off my game. They were in the backseat providing commentary such as "OH NO! How are we going to get home now since he's going to take you away?" and "Mommy why would you break the law? Is it really that hard to obey the speed limit?" and my personal favorite "87 DOLLARS?!? Holy cow Mommy see why you should obey the law? Wait til we tell Daddy." Sometimes I wonder if I even had a conscience before I had kids. Apparently not.

*Had a lovely relaxing mini vacation away from home. That's the glass half full recap. The REALIST recap is that our air conditioning wasn't working and the service guy couldn't come til Wednesday so we spent Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday night camped out in the in-laws basement since it was 93 degrees in our house. No beach and no maid service, not my idea of a vacation. No offense In Laws.

*Taught a class at Vacation Bible School (aka VBS) at church every night this week from 6:30-8:30. Oh except for Tuesday night when VBS was cancelled because there was no electricity so we went and had hot wings with our VIP crew at Buffalo Wild Wings instead. It's pretty comparable to VBS...or not. But still awesome. Oh and except for Friday night when I ditched VBS TO GO SEE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK IN CHICAGO.....heeeeyyyyy!!!!!

*That's right, Annette and I ventured to Tinley Park, IL to see the New Kids on the Block....again. Third time in eight months. No, we're not obsessed why do you ask? And I know what you're going to say, "Didn't you just see them a few months ago AND a few months before that?" And the answer is yes, yes we did, which is why we HAD to see them again and besides it was a new tour. I just got home a few hours ago from our adventure and I haven't quite collected myself enough to talk about it yet. I'll work on that. But for now I'd like you to do some homework, please reread the following posts: http://hillbillyhilarity.blogspot.com/2009/04/nkotb-concert-recap-step-by-step-pt-1.html, http://hillbillyhilarity.blogspot.com/2009/04/nkotb-concert-recap-step-by-step-pt-2.html, http://hillbillyhilarity.blogspot.com/2009/04/nkotb-concert-recap-finale.html. Thank you.

I'll leave you with a little teaser.

Custom made NKTOB attire + Favorite Girl(s) + trespassing = UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT

Words of Wisdom from My Father

In honor of Father's Day I thought I'd share with you some of the many words of wisdom my Dad has given me over the years.

First a little background. My dad is a preacher. He's very organized, smart, dignified, distinguished, athletic, godly, talented, charismatic, and just a little bit hard headed. He's respected by many, many people. Obviously I'm just like him..or not. I share some of his personality traits but I also have MANY that I must've inherited from the Schwan's man because they certainly weren't from either of my parents. Such as my sarcasm, my love of being the center of attention, and my outspokenness. My Dad tries to come off as very serious and straight laced. For every ounce of his seriousness I was (am) the clown. Dad is a preacher and I was somehow born with an independent, slightly rebellious streak. I took his sermons on all the things you weren't supposed to do as things I needed to give a whirl. You know, for verification purposes. You can imagine how that went down, especially during my teenage years...oil and water.

Here are some of my favorite words of wisdom from my father over the years:

"You're headed for a life of prostitution."-He might've overreacted slightly when he found me somewhere I wasn't supposed to be, in a part of town I shouldn't have been in, with people I had no business being with. He's pretty relieved that there are no brothels out here on the prairie.

"You're going to end up barefoot and pregnant."-Prophesy at it's best, except I prefer high heels.

"You're the second most beautiful woman I've walked down the aisle."-I'll always remember that he said this to me as he was about to walk me down the aisle to give me away to my prince. Normally I don't take kindly to being second best but since he was talking about my mom being #1, I was okay with it.

"You don't have to say EVERYTHING that comes to your mind."-It's part of my charm. Secretly, I think he wished he could do the same, given the amount of puntzes he's dealt with in his day but I suppose being a pastor and all it wouldn't be a good idea.

"I don't have to worry about you being kidnapped with your mouth and quick wit."-I'd have to agree they'd be bringing me back the minute I started asking them to play NKOTB in the back of the van and demanding my lip gloss.

"It's called TACT, use it."-B-O-R-I-N-G. Actually believe it or not I have come a long, oops a little, ways on this. These days I try to soften the blow a little before I tell someone exactly what I think. Such as "your hair looks great but what were you thinking wearing that shirt?" Just kidding, but really THAT shirt?

"Set your hook and reel in slow."-Makes me laugh because now I hear myself saying this to my kids. No idea if it really makes a difference in catching a fish but it sounds so pro angler.

"Your mom would be so proud of you."-That's the good stuff.

"You and GI Joe* are wonderful parents. You're doing a great job."-You know me and my parenting insecurities, so any time someone compliments me like that it means the world. Especially when it's coming from Dad who's seen a lot of good and bad parenting in his day. **My Dad doesn't actually address him as GI Joe.

Now that we don't live in the same house and I don't have to follow his boring rules we get along splendidly. That and now that I'm a parent too and am getting a little taste of my own medicine I have a whole new appreciation for my father. Amazing how that works! Seriously, I have an awesome dad and am so thankful to him for instilling in me the morals and values that I still hold today. He also set an amazing example of a husband should be. Luckily, GI Joe has lived up to and exceeded those very high expectations. It's a good thing too as my Dad made it very clear when GI Joe asked for his blessing to marry me that there were no "returns." :)

I just called to wish my Dad a happy Father's Day and thanked him for surviving through my youth without sending me to boarding school. He said "No problem." I know better, he may never admit it but I have no doubt the thought crossed his mind a time or two, especially when I went through my "gangsta black phase", yo. I've offered to get a tattoo in his honor but he just shakes his head and rolls his eyes, tattoos just aren't his style. But I'm sure being featured in the blog, now THAT'S just what he's always wanted, THAT and this picture being posted for all 6 of my readers to see. Just an example of the many things I caused him to endure.

Happy Father's Day Dad!

Red Cross We Have An Emergency

Now that I've survived Part 1 of GI Joe's absence without calling the Red Cross, I think it's time to tell you about the time I did in fact call the Red Cross. I haven't always been as self sufficient as I was this time.

The year was 2000, the month was June AND July. At that time I was still a city girl trying to figure out the ways of the wilderness. Dakota was just a baby and the Koons Zoo was just a figment of my imagination as the only animals we had were dogs. GI Joe had to go off to Wisconsin for 3 weeks of training THEN he came home for about 6 hours and then was off to Texas for another 2 weeks of training.

Somehow I managed to survive the first 3 weeks (barely) alright. I wasn't happy about it and on more than one occasion cursed the stinkin' Army and my beloved husband's occupation. And by cursed I mean called them stinkin' and said things like "this sucks." Even at my worst I still kept it clean.

But the last 2 weeks, everything went to Hades in a handbasket. Beginning with my in-laws/neighbors and the rest of GI Joe's extended family leaving for a 10 day vacation to Yellowstone. They begged me to go with them but the idea of a vacation without my husband didn't sound very appealing so I stayed home. Bad move. My family lived in southern Missouri at the time so that meant I was on my own. Sure we had friends I could've called but I'm just a little bit proud and just don't like to ask others for help. Except of course the Red Cross.

That left Dakota & I alone on the prairie to fend for ourselves. I slept with a hatchet next to my bed every night because I was convinced that out in the country w/ no one around to hear screams for help, people died horrific deaths at the hands of crazed axed murderers. No, I don't have a vivid imagination, why do you ask?

Here's a brief recap of the events of those 2 weeks, summer of '00:
*A rabid possum took up residence under our front stairs and hissed at me everytime I tried to enter the house. Unfortunately, at that point I hadn't learned to use any assault weapons outside of my deadly scream, which oddly enough didn't phase the possum. Editor's sidenote: I DESPISE possums.

*The air conditioning in our house went awry and made our home a balmy oasis at a consistent temperature of 85.

*A cow got loose in our backyard.

*The neighbor's cattle who grazed in our pasture escaped and were trotting down the road in front of our house. According to rural rules, this was my problem not the farmer's.

*The well, our only means of water at that time, ran dry.

*A cat died under our back deck causing a stench that made my eyes water.

*My car battery died.

*I lost my one and only debit card.

*Dakota caught a flu bug and was either puking or crying for what seemed like days at at a time.

*I researched checking myself into a psychiatric ward at the local hospital.

Keep in mind all of these events and many more that have been erased from memory as a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, all took place while my entire support system was 24 hours away and GI Joe was out in a field somewhere playing war. The well running dry was the straw that broke the camel's back and when I officially hit my breaking point. I tried calling GI Joe's unit but couldn't reach anyone, obviously since they were out doing what he was doing. Then I called Camp Dodge and asked to speak with the General. You know my motto, "go big or go home". Well apparently, the General is a very busy man and was unable to speak with a mentally unstable civilian about her military husband's prolonged absence. Whatever dude. I blind dialed several different numbers to Camp Dodge and each time got someone who was less than helpful or just told me that there was no way to get ahold of GI Joe, that he would call when he was able.

I cannot remember now what prompted me to think to call the Red Cross. I might've seen it on Oprah or maybe saw it mentioned in one of the many military publications that come to our house. Who knows? But as a last attempt I called the local Red Cross. The conversation went a little something like this:

RC: Hi this is Red Cross. How can I help you?

PP (me): My husband is in the military and has been gone for awhile and I need to get a very important message to him.

RC: Is there an emergency?

PP: Yes, well kinda. I'm all alone in the country with a baby and everything that could go wrong is and I don't have anyone around to help (insert sobbing here) and I just need him to come home I can't take it.

RC: How long has he been gone and where is he stationed?

PP: (hiccup betweeen sobs) FFFF....fffou...four weeks and I CAN"T DO IT! I need him to come home!!! Right now!

RC: He's only been gone four weeks?

PP: (switched flipped from sobbing to ticked) YES FOUR WEEKS! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?!? EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG! I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!

RC: Ma'am calm down, it's going to be fine. How much longer will he be gone?

PP: He has a week left. But I just can't do it anymore.

RC: You said you have a baby?

PP: Yes, and she's been sick and there's a dead cat and the well ran dry and there's a cow on the loose and.....

RC: Ma'am? MA'AM!? WHERE IS THE BABY NOW?!?

PP: Oh she's at daycare right now. So can you get a message to my husband to call because I need him to come home?

RC: So the baby is not with you right now? Uh Ma'am, you said he only has another week I'm sure he'll call when he can.

PP: No she's at daycare. This isn't about her. I just need my husband to come home NOW!

RC: I just want to make sure the baby is safe. Ma'am, alot of wives have to survive without their husbands for much much longer. You'll be fine, it's only another week.

PP: Yes of course the baby is safe, what is wrong with you? But you don't understand we both just need my husband to come home. What if I had a mental breakdown and was in the hospital, then could he come home?

RC: Uh Ma'am I think you need to calm down. It's only another week and it's not like he's off in the Middle East or something. (in other words, suck it up cupcake)

PP: (ragged breaths) Don't you think I've been trying? It's not easy. Just have him call home IMMEDIATELY.

RC: Yeah, ok, sure we'll do that.

I was outraged by their flippant attitude and went on strike against the Red Cross for a long time following.

Ummm seriously. What was the matter with me?

GI Joe happened to call the next day** and I told him all about my less than pleasant experience with the Red Cross. I thought he was going to go AWOL and move to Canada. Apparently, he was embarrassed by this? However, his Army buddies got hours of enjoyment out of it.

(*I have to admit that all this time I thought he had called because the Red Cross finally got the message to him but I just asked him to verify as I was blogging and he informed me that no, they never had gotten a message to him and that he had just happened to call that day. I CAN'T BELIEVE THE RED CROSS LET ME DOWN! HOW RUDE! The strike continues.... sorry hurricane victims.)

Now you can understand why surviving the past 2 weeks was such an accomplishment for me. And you can also see that you should join me in praying that he is never EVER deployed. Five weeks was pushing my limit. Fifteen months, I guarantee I'd be blogging live from the padded room in the Psych Ward.

To any woman who's husband is deployed w/ the military: You are my hero. If you need the Red Cross info call me, beyond that I'm not much help (obviously).

He's Baaaaaack!

GI Joe is BACK! I'm blogging in solitude as I've handed over the parental reins to him for the evening. I'm taking a much deserved breather. Single parents out there I would just like to say this to you....I don't know how you do it. 'Nuf said.

Remember when I predicted what would take place in GI Joe's absence? Let's see how I did shall we? Come on it will be fun (now that I've survived it.)

Here were my predictions from the blog post before he left.

*I will run out of gas and/or have a flat tire.-Crisis averted as I have awesome guy friends. One who pumped my gas for me and when he unscrewed the gas cap and we heard a "whooooosh" sound escaping from my tank refrained from lecturing me at great length. And the other who went out and checked my tires at work when I told him they felt "weird" and "loose". Thanks Doug & McDreamy you guys rock! I still cannot figure out why you are still single. Single ladies, seriously...call me!

*One of the zoo animals will die or be injured.-Sadly, this one was accurate. The baby turkeys who once resided in our bathroom kicked the bucket. Cause of death is still undetermined because believe it or not I did actually feed them. I'm just glad that no other animal suffered a similar fate because there may have been a few days where I MAY have forgotten to feed them. Oops. It's alright they were starting to look a little chubby.

The inside cats and dogs might possibly starve to death since he's the only one that remembers to feed them.-I'm happy to report this did NOT occur. Not because I remembered to feed them but because they took it upon themselves to make sure they were well fed by swiping anything left out on the counter or table unattended for greater than 2 minutes. Turns out Akala and Moose also enjoy Ramen noodles and hot dogs. Who knew?!?

Inevitably I will lose my wallet containing my checkbook and debit card and be forced to go to the bank. And it goes without saying that the bank drive thru is no place for the Princess Mobile.-While I did accidentally leave my main debit card at home when we went on our weekend getaway and suffered a minor panic attack when I realized it was at home, I was able to survive without selling any of the children. Although believe me it crossed my mind, remember the alien invasion?

Either myself or one of the kids will become ill, knowing my luck probably all of us and it will probably be the puking kind of sick.-The only kind of sick we were was of each other! Just kidding the kids and I thoroughly enjoyed our time w/out GI Joe bonding. We sat around each night holding hands and singing Kumbayah. It was precious.

*A rabid possum will probably take over the back deck.-Luckily, it wasn't a possum but there was a nasty tree frog sitting on one of the knobs for the grill when I went to turn it on. You can imagine my surprise and non delight when I discovered that. You can also imagine how loudly I screamed for Dakota to come and remove it from my sight immediately.

*I will get the four wheeler stuck.-I did one better and made it so it wouldn't even start. Don't worry GI Joe had it up and running within a few minutes of getting home.

*There will be a mouse in the house and a snake in the garden. I don't respond well to either of the above and will probably have to check us into a hotel. -No mouse in the house and I wouldn't know about the garden as I barely glanced at it the entire 2 weeks.

*Speaking of the garden, it's a goner too. -See above it's not looking so good. I think we'll be buying our produce at the farmer's market the rest of the summer.

*A major appliance will stop working. It can be the stove because I won't be cooking, just can't be the microwave because we need that to cook the Ramen noodles and Easy Mac that the kids are going to eat every night for supper. -I wouldn't know as Casey's pizza, Cheetos, and cereal didn't require appliances. No really, everything's working just fine, oh except for the AIR CONDITIONING. P.S. It was like 88 here today, 150% humidity. AWESOME! Did I mention I'm soooo glad GI Joe is home?

*I'll either gain 20 pounds from drowning my sorrows in Reese's or lose 20 pounds from my refusal to cook/Ramen noodle diet. I'm hoping for the latter obviously. -I'm pleading the 5th. But I will say that GI Joe managed to lose like 10 pounds during his time away. I kinda hate him for it.

*The yard will take on a jungle like appearance and the neighbors will think we're finally doing it, we're finally opening up a drive thru safari complete w/ a zebra, oh how I wish. I am completely capable of mowing the yard and enjoy it on occasion, however I have a tendency to run over metal objects that make the mower want to stop working. And without GI Joe here to fix it, I'm afraid it's a lost cause. -Boy, did I call this one or what? By Monday, even I was getting slightly embarrassed by the length of the grass in the yard so I thought I would try my hand at mowing it. The riding mower was out of commission before GI Joe left so I knew I'd have to suck it up and do at least the front yard with the push mower. Two rows in and the self propelled thingy majig stopped working. Possibly caused by the large branch I ran over, hard to say. I gave it my all to keep mowing w/out the self propelled but I am no spring chicken and that was just too much work. You'll be relieved to know that by the time I arrived home from work today GI Joe had fixed the mower AND mowed both the front and back yards. Have I mentioned I love my husband?

See I didn't do too bad? Even with the unexpected twist of the alien invasion of my children I came out with my sanity in tact (mostly) and the kids are still whole, healthy, and not living w/ new parents. And more importantly, I did NOT call Red Cross! Yay me!!! The battle is only half over though as he has to go for another 2 weeks later this summer and this time even further away. Don't worry I still have the Red Cross contact information and am not afraid to use it.

Ramblings from the Road

The good news is that I have survived the past 10 days...the bad news is BARELY.

This past weekend, I decided that since GI Joe was gone the kids and I would take a field trip to the ice cream capital of the world to visit my friend Cheri on her parent's cattle farm. You may remember Cheri from here http://hillbillyhilarity.blogspot.com/2009/01/sold.html. Cheri moved back home from these parts awhile back and has been missing me a ton (who could blame her right?), ok and maybe her other friends too. But that's beside the point. I decided a road trip for the kids and I to visit her would be a welcomed distraction.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

*Within the first hour of our trip the following occurred:

-I took a wrong turn after dropping Akala off at the vet to be boarded that took me approximately 30 minutes out of the way. Nice.

-Begged and pleaded w/ my children to put in a movie to silence the constant fighting and bickering taking place. Then had to break up the fight that ensued when they could only find 2 sets of headphones. Cried tears of self pity.

-Blade & Dakota both started in with the "Potty Dance" AFTER we had just gone through approximately 17 towns. Of course there were no other towns in sight for miles and miles so I did what any responsible mother would do. Scolded my children for being so irresponsible for not telling me sooner that they had to go AND pulled over on the side of the road to let them do their business. Strangely enough, by this time Blade had stopped the potty dance which concerned me greatly. As Dakota was relieving herself, Blade held up a National Guard water bottle that he had resourcefully turned into a catheter bag. YUCK!!! I screamed, vomited in my mouth a little, and demanded that he dispose of the entire bottle immediately. Meaning for him to get out and toss it in the grass, but NOOOOOOO what did he do? He hurled the full bottle of you know what from the 3rd row seat out the open door where Dakota was standing. I'm sure you can imagine how this all went down. It wasn't pretty folks. The water bottle wasn't completely closed so there was a lovely "sprinkling" all over the seat and the open door and just a little on Dakota.

-After cleaning up that unfortunate mess we proceeded in our journey, until about 15 minutes later Dakota and Blade told me that Ryder had wet his pants. Excuse me WHAT? I asked Ryder if he had and he didn't answer so I assumed that meant he had. Let me just say this was not one of my finer Mom moments, I yelled a little, pulled over the car, told Ryder to get out, went to the back of the car to get clean clothes out of the suitcase, grumbling the entire time, and finally got around to where Ryder was standing. Only to see him standing there in DRY PANTS. Seriously.

-Asked myself repeatedly, "Why did I think I wanted kids?" and "Is it too late to give them back?" Judge me if you want to I'm just keepin' it real here.

-Turned up my New Kids CD so loud that my kids were asking me to turn it down. I told them it was a necessity in transporting me to my happy place and it was in their best interest to just deal with it.

We finally made it to Schnepf Family Farms where Cheri greeted me w/ a not so virgin mojito. Oh sorry wishful thinking. :) I wish I could say that once we arrived it was smooth sailing from there. Not so much, but it was an adventure. Here are a few highlights:

*Their real cattle farm made our hobby farm smell like the Yankee Candle store.

*Got an education in cattle farming, when I kept calling the cattle "cows". Turns out there are no cows at Schnepf Farms. They deal strictly w/ steers and heifers who have been fixed. No calves for me to steal and take home there. Tried not to dwell on the fact that all the beautiful cattle I was looking at were going to end up on a someone's plate.

They are probably thinking how much their mother resembles one of those steer when she's angry.

*Can you believe that even though I was surrounded by cattle I couldn't pet a single one of them? It seemed an injustice.

*You know what else was an injustice? The fact that our plans for Friday in the "ice cream capital of the world" all revolved around outdoor activities such as a picnic at the ice cream park followed by a trip to the Blue Bunny ice cream parlor, and it RAINED. Not just rained but POURED. Needless to say that put a big ol' damper on our plans. Don't worry we suffered and went to the ice cream parlor in spite of the rain and it was delicious.

*You may or may not know this but there is just not a lot for kids to do indoors in northwest Iowa. So Cheri and I improvised and decided to take the clan to a movie. But not before we stopped at Target and purchased a $2.50 beach bag in which we smuggled in our picnic lunch. That's right we had a total ghetto picnic in the movie theater, it was delightful. Cheri and I were very coy and sly about it but the kids totally blew our cover by loudly saying things like, "DAKOTA, DO YOU WANT PUPPY CHOW OR CHEETOS?" or "PASS ME A HAM SANDWICH." It's okay we escaped jail time but had to live w/ the kids repeatedly telling us we were breaking the law. Wouldn't be the first time kids, wouldn't be the first.

*Ate at a muy fantastico Mexican restaurant in small town Iowa. One side was a bar and the other was the restaurant. They made you wait in the bar area until your table was ready. This was a first for my children. They enjoyed a few games of pool, ate some popcorn, and lectured me at length about being in a bar. But the food, the food, was totally worth the moral implications of hanging w/ my children in a bar. Before you call to schedule me on Jerry Springer let me defend myself, the Mexican restaurant is a FAMILY restaurant and there were other kids there. So there.

*Speaking of the kids, the aliens REINVADED. I'll spare you all the gory details but I think it suffice to say that a weekend w/ them acted as a 99.96% effective method of birth control for Cheri. Poor Cheri. Poor me too as it's too late for birth control. That's how I got in this mess to begin with. I went from spittin' mad at the kids to wanting to just sob because they were frustrating me so. Ahhh the joys of motherhood.

Don't let them fool you. They make look cute but they are deadly!

*Woke up to sunny skies and 75 on the morning we were to depart from Schnepf Family Farms. Seriously God, could you not have cut us a break? Watched Cheri breathe a huge sigh of relief when we pulled out of the driveway. Just kidding she's way too classy to do that, at least in front of me. We did have fun just hanging out and catching up, although I think we would both agree, our next get together will be sans kids.

*The good news was that I had leverage all day on Saturday as we got to see GI Joe for a few hours on Saturday night. Oh it felt sooooo good to say, "you'd better straighten up, I'd hate to have to tell Daddy how bad you were today," and it actually worked. Why can't I have just an ounce of that Daddy magic?

More on the rest of our weekend later. I will say that the aliens did leave and the rest of the weekend was extremely enjoyable. But here's a quote from Blade & Ryder speaking to their Papa last night: "We can't wait for Daddy to come home. Mommy is working us to DEATH and is kinda mean."

Oh yeah boys, it's been a total cakewalk for me.

*Disclaimer: I do actually love my children just in case you were wondering.

A Goat and a Girl

Meet Cocoa the Fainting Goat. Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever laid eyes on? He along w/ his mother and twin brother came to live w/ us when they were just 2 weeks old. It was our first attempt at goat ownership. We decided to go with fainting goats because if we were going to have an animal that was known for it's destructive nature, we were at least going to get something out of it in return. No, not meat or milk, you should really know us better than that by now, but entertainment. If you've never heard of a fainting goat or what exactly they do go here and check out this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhIrCaY31Kk&NR=1. Guaranteed to make you giggle. Although I can't decide what's funnier, the goats or Leon the farmer. You be the judge.

Cocoa's mom Gloria, acted just like the goats in the video and would go stiff legged at the slightest startle, as did his brother Hillbilly. Cocoa not so much but he was soooo cute. As you can imagine these baby goats were held, loved, pet, hugged, played with just a little.

Cocoa was always the feisty one, can you tell?

But we loved him anyway. How can you not love a face like that?

Until Cocoa grew up into this......

Can you tell how dumb he is? Can you tell how bad he stinks from peeing on his own head? Can you tell that he's a horny goat and tries to mount everything in sight, pigs included? Can you tell how hard he will headbutt you with those horns? Can you? Huh? Huh?

Maybe treating baby goats like actual babies or even puppies is not the way to go. Especially if they're boys. We messed up because now Cocoa thinks he's actually one of us and tends to act like a 2 year old child if we don't pay enough attention to him or give him what he wants immediately. Which wouldn't be a problem if we could put him in timeout or make him run laps or something. But for some reason those punishments just aren't effective for him. Sadly, both his mother and brother, who were both so much better behaved and nicer than he, have passed away. The good die young. It's always our favorites that meet untimely deaths and it's always the ones that drive us nuts that live forever. Ughhh..

That leaves us stuck with Cocoa the fainting goat who only faints when fireworks are shot at him. Don't ask. The kids have on more than one occasion come to us with a proposal to either take Cocoa to the auction to be sold or better yet the locker to be butchered. OUCH! That's my tender-hearted, animal lovin' kids talking so you know it's bad.

Each time I refuse and tell them something along the lines of "we don't take you guys to the auction or locker when you're bad and we can't do it to Cocoa. He's our responsibility. Here's a baseball bat whack him with it, he'll leave you alone."

I have to admit it's tempting at times. When the kids and I go into his area of the barnyard, we have to be on guard because the second we turn our backs on him he'll come at us full force w/ that big, hard, dumb head of his. And it HURTS and leaves nasty, ugly bruises in precarious places on our bodies. Strangely enough, he straightens right up when GI Joe comes around. Might be because he's battled it out w/ GI Joe before and never came out a winner. Or maybe because he sees the 2x4 that GI Joe is hoisting over the fence that will be used as a weapon if needed. Don't tell PETA.

Since I'm an aspiring tough farm girl I've decided I need to figure out how to deal with Cocoa on my own. I always try to kill him with kindness by scratching that spot on his stinky head that he likes even though it results in my hand smelling like goat urine OR by talking nicely to him asking him how his day's been and such, but none of that ever works. Actually, I think it works too well because he gets mad when I stop and then he throws the tantrum that usually results in strange guttural goat noises coming from him, rearing up on 2 legs, and trying to headbutt me right in the legs or worse yet my womanhood. I've also tried drilling a hole thru his horn when he wouldn't leave me alone and I was working with power tools. I thought for sure that would teach him. Not so much.

But this, THIS works like a charm and gives me a great cardio workout in return.

Goat wrestler extraordinaire. And when I wrestle him into this position using my brute strength, I then say things to him like "How do you like me now?" or "Who's tough now SUCKER?!?" or "You don't wanna mess with the Prairie Princess PUNK!"

Then I realize that I can't stand like this forever so I let him go and I take off running like a scared little girl. screaming for my GI Joe, before he comes after me again.

THE END

P.S. Anyone want a goat?