National LamKoon's Summer Vacation Part 1

Have you missed me this week? Maybe in all the extra time you've had from not having to read my latest ramblings you've been able to check out the movies we've reviewed, or maybe you've cleaned a closet, or maybe you just went on about your lives not even thinking of me in which case my feelings are very hurt. Whatever you did while I've been away, rest assured........I'm baaaaaack.

We're en route right now from Virginia Beach to Washington D.C. Because I am a wife of compromise (not really, but sometimes I try really hard), after subjecting my history buff husband to a vacation solely based around beach activities with a historical tour of Jamestown thrown in for good measure, I agreed to scrap our original plans to visit my sister (again) in TN on the way back home from VA and instead we're taking the D.C. route. (Sorry sis!) Neither of us have ever been and we figured since we were only going to be 3 hours from it, we might as well hit it. Besides, after the kids watched Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian, they were thrilled with the prospect of visiting the real Smithsonian. I hope they aren't disappointed when the exhibits don't really come to life. I'm sure there will be tales to tell from that adventure. Stay tuned.

Here are a few memorable moments from the National LamKoons Summer Vacation so far:

*When Dakota looked over at me as we were climbing a 210 foot hill on one of the top 10 roller coasters in the world at Busch Gardens and said, "Mommy, I know this is horrifying for you but don't look down and also please don't scream like a girl." Why must she use such big words? P.S. I did scream like a girl but it was fantastic.

*While on our dolphin watching cruise in the Atlantic, we hit some rough water that made the boat go up and down. Blade giggled and said, "Ooooh that tickled my wienie." Nice, thanks for sharing.

*The woman at Busch Gardens who told GI Joe he had a "nice butt" as I was taking a picture of him and the kids. I told her thanks, I picked out the shorts that accentuated it.

*Ryder telling us at Busch Gardens after he went on his second roller coaster of the day, "I don't like the roller coasters that go high, or fast, or loop, or twist." Well, okay then back to the Teacups we go.

*The family on the Virginia Beach fishing pier who thought we were locals since our kids helped them unload their crab from the crab pots without getting pinched. No sirree, we just watch Deadliest Catch. Who says TV isn't educational?

*The sign at one of the roller coasters at Busch Gardens that said, "Due to the nature of this ride, we are unable to accommodate individuals with a chest measurement of greater than 52." Darn, I really wanted to ride that one. (Yeah right.)

*Witnessing the instant transformation of my husband, who went from relaxed, laid back GI Joe to militant, meticulous, drill sergeant, GI Joe every time we pulled into a military base. Which was often since we stayed several nights at a hotel on a Naval Base. I swear I thought he was going to pull over and spit shine the car before we were able to proceed through the gate, everything had to be just right and in order. I saw GI Joe in his military element and frankly, it was frightening. So glad I pull rank 'round the Zoo. :)

*Yet again I was faced with the unanswered question which is...why the heck do we live 18 hours+ from the nearest ocean? Seriously?!? I'm not one to point fingers but I'm blaming our parents for birthing and raising us and causing us to continue our roots in the great state of Iowa, smack dab in the middle of the country. Boring. Just kidding Iowa, I do love you but let's talk about adding an ocean, k?

The adventures didn't stop there, more to come.

His & Her Movie Reviews

Since GI Joe and I were in a car together for 12 hours, we thought it would be fun to do a little his and her movie review of movies we’ve seen recently. Who needs Siskel and Ebert when you’ve got us?

Ratings
Crowns-ratings given by me Grenades-ratings given by GI Joe
1 -Worst, I’d rather be shoveling manure than watching this movie and am mad I wasted 2 hours of my life on it, if I didn’t turn it off after 30 minutes.
2-Not Great, I could’ve written a movie better than this but there were a FEW redeeming parts in it.
3-Eh just alright, something in the movie made me watch the entire thing whether it was a character, an actor, or an interesting plot twist. But there was probably something or things lacking and it felt unsettled or unfinished. Probably wouldn’t recommend it and won’t ever watch it again.
4-Solid Good-Either made me laugh, cry, or sit on the edge of my seat.(That’s for PP, GI Joe doesn’t so much cry at movies). Would recommend it and will probably own it.
5-Royal Accolades-If a movie gets a 5 rating you know it must be good. And by good, I mean as soon as I see it I want to tell everyone I know that they should also see it so we can discuss in detail. It will definitely be added to the collection and watched again and again.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Her Comments: Since I was stuck in the car with nowhere to go, nothing to do, on day 1 of our vacation, I decided to give this 3 hour movie a try. GI Joe watched it when he was gone and enjoyed it so I figured it couldn’t be that bad. I did see the Oprah with Brad Pitt about this movie and wanted to see what all the hype was about. I just finished it minutes ago and my initial reaction is “huh”, well, that and “Wow, Brad Pitt is a beautiful man, why did he and Jen ever split up?” I just don’t know how I feel about it. It’s unique, although slow in parts, it really has a neat story. Things I didn’t like about the movie: 3 hours!, Brad Pitt’s gorgeousness covered by wrinkles and makeup for the first 2 hours, the sad parts, and the parts I can’t tell you about because if you haven’t seen it will spoil the movie for you. Let’s just say sometimes women are dumb and stubborn, myself excluded of course. Things I did like about the movie: Brad Pitt from hour 2 until almost the end of the movie, the love story part of it, and the “being born old” plot. That’s not something you see everyday. If you’ve seen it comment and tell me your thoughts, my jury is still out. If you haven’t seen it, watch it and let me know. I’m curious just like Benjamin.
Crown Rating: 3.5 Crowns (I made up a new rating just for this movie)
Grenade Rating-3 Grenades
His comments: Liked the concept of aging backwards and it had a little bit of war in it which is also a plus for me. I recommend splitting it up over 2 nights of viewing.

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

Her Comments: If my children were rating this they would give it royal accolades. They loved it! But this isn’t their blog. I enjoyed the movie but didn’t think it was as good as the first 2. There were some funny parts (most of which were shown in the movie trailer) and some sweet parts. The 3D animation was also amazing and seeing a theater full of people in dorky 3d glasses…awesome. But I thought it was a tad bit slow moving at times and sometimes they tried too hard to get a laugh.
Crown Rating: 4 Crowns
Grenade Rating-3 Grenades
His Comments: I had a nice 10 minute nap at the theater during this movie so obviously it didn’t keep my attention the entire time. I did love the poisonous gas scene though, must be the inner child in me. Also, I love Scat.

Up

Her Comments: I gotta be honest, when we started seeing the previews for this months ago I thought the story line looked boring. But the kids really, really wanted to see it and it was something to do to fill an evening while GI Joe was away for his 2 weeks.
I went in to the movie skeptical but I have to say I LOVED IT! It was so much deeper than a story about an old man who tied balloons to his house. I laughed, I cried (twice), I was on the edge of my seat. It was a touching, heartwarming story and even a bit heavy at times. It was great to see a Disney movie where the main character was not a handsome prince or princess or a furry lovable critter but an old, wrinkly, grouchy man. I was definitely impressed with this movie and think everyone should see it regardless of their age. There are life lessons to be learned. P.S. I want a bird like Kevin from Up.
Crown Rating: 5 Crowns
Grenade Rating-N/A To be reviewed later as I was slaving away at training while my family ate popcorn and watched movies.

Revolutionary Road

Her Comments: I’d heard so much about this movie and how great it was. Of course it didn’t hurt that Leonardo DiCaprio & Kate Winslet were the main characters. I thought maybe Jack didn’t really die in the Titanic and he and Rose wound up living happily ever after on Revolutionary Road. Umm not so much. I managed to watch the entire movie, while GI Joe started snoring after approximately 45 minutes. It was a slow moving movie where you just kept thinking there had to be more to it than that. It’s really a miracle I watched the whole thing given my adult onset ADD. I think Leo kept me watching. When the movie was finally over I felt unsettled, sad and more than a little disappointed. Only watch this movie if you want to feel better about your mental stability or if you just want to see Leonardo. In that case, I would mute it.
Crown Rating: 2 Crowns
Grenade Rating-1 Grenade
His Comments: Made me want to blow myself up with said grenade.

The Proposal

Her Comments: GI Joe and I had a long overdue date night last week and went to see this movie. Oh how I’ve missed Sandra Bullock in romantic comedies. And oh how I love Ryan Reynolds. This movie was the perfect date movie. It had the ideal blend of humor, sarcasm, and romance. My macho, manly husband really liked it so guys. suck it up and take your girl to go see it. I cannot wait to own this movie and watch it again, pausing at the scene where Ryan Reynolds is showing some skin. Oops did I type that out loud?
Crown Rating: 5 Crowns
Grenade Rating-4 Grenades
His Comments: Anything with Ryan Reynolds always has potential for being very funny and enjoyable (not just cuz my wife thinks he’s hot). Craig T. Nelson is in this movie too and he’s a winner in my book given his current views on the government’s wasteful spendings…..Uh oh time for Prairie Princess to take over again.

He’s Just Not That Into You

Her Comments: With the all star cast I was sure it would be a killer movie. Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Bradley Moore, Scarlett Johannsen, are you kidding me? I was geared up for a romantic comedy. Instead, I ended up with a sad look at dating life and unhappy marriages. Not at all what I expected. It did reiterate the fact that I am SO glad I’m happily married to GI Joe as I’m fairly certain I would not survive being single these days. I mean really, if Drew Barrymore has trouble getting guys to call her back and getting a date then fuhgettaboutit. The redeeming qualities in this movie were the all star cast, especially Jennifer Aniston (my girlcrush), AND the ending that left you with a glimmer of hope for your single friends.
Crown Rating: 2 Crowns
Grenade Rating-1.5 Grenades
His Comments: Able to watch it without wanting to blow myself up with a grenade and we were out of rope. My wife shallowly suggested that I watched it due to the eye candy but let it be known that I do not think Drew Barrymore OR Scarlett Johannsen are attractive females. And Jennifer Connelly looks like a man. Enough said.

My Sister’s Keeper

Her Comments-On our vacation stopover in Nashville, my sis and I had our own "date night" and went to see this. I just finished the book last week so was curious to see how the movie played out. My recommendation to you is watch the movie THEN read the book. The movie is just okay. The book is fantastic. I'm disappointed with Hollywood that they strayed so far from the book and in doing so lost alot of the impact the book had. I may have to write a letter. All in all, I'm glad we went to see it but that could be because you can't beat watching a tear jerker movie with your sister while the husbands stay home with the wild children. The rather entertaining couple sitting in front of us at the theater only added to the experience. My advise to you is to RedBox or Netflix this movie, but do see it. It will make you think and probably cry. Have Kleenex handy. P.S. I want to look like Cameron Diaz.

Crown Rating: 3 crowns

Grenade Rating-N/A This is not something I would ever go see. There's no war, history, Ryan Reynolds, or Megan Fox. And Alec Baldwin IS one of the stars. No thanks. Thanks Hilary for going to see this with my wife so I wouldn't have to.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

I did not go see this movie but GI Joe wants his review of it to be included on this list. Here goes as told to me by GI Joe:
Growing up and playing with Transformers as a kid, I loved the first movie, not the animated one of ’86, but the one released in 2007. The kids and I were greatly anticipating the sequel battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons and went to see this during opening week. I did appreciate that in this movie they stuck with the original voice of Optimus Prime but overall Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen should’ve just stayed fallen. From the absurdities of the gangsta’ autobots that gave JaJa Bings from Star Wars a run for his money in the race to ridiculous, to the obscene language of the Transformers I was not impressed. Then as if that weren’t enough, to top it all off, a robot dry humping the very hot Megan Fox’s leg. (PP: What? You think Megan Fox is hot? Oh what’s that? I think Jordan Knight is hot? Oh yeah, I suppose you’re entitled, go on….) It was rated PG-13 but should’ve been rated R. Not a kid friendly movie whatsoever and that is disappointing because it’s guys like me who want to share their love of Transformers with their kids, that are going to this movie. I probably will not own this movie and considering that I collect movies like my wife collects shoes, that is saying a lot. And now I’d like to tell you what I think about the state of our nation……Thanks GI Joe, I’ll take it from here. We’ll spare them that sermon.
Grenade Rating: 2 Grenades (one for each dingleberry on Devastator)
Crown Rating: N/A I’ll never be reviewed as I prefer my movies to have actual characters instead of cars and trucks that “transform”, spare me.

What do you think? Do you disagree, agree, think we’re idiots, what? Comment and tell us. We want to know. Actually, I want to know, GI Joe is slightly hard headed and close minded to the opinions of others. I was going to say just kidding but he told me not too, he’s not denying it.

Want us to do more? There’s lots more where that came from. We’re boring old, married people who live in the wilderness with not much to do so we watch a lot of movies.

Now as they say in the movie biz, that’s a wrap…..

View From the Zoo

Here is a little snapshot of life at the zoo these days, minus the smell of manure, the bleating of sheep and goats, the "help" sounding screech of the peacocks, and the crowing of roosters at 5:15 in the morning. You'll have to use your imagination for those items or not...might be more enjoyable that way.

Elvis the Emu

Fun fact about emus: They dance when GI Joe whistles at them. I use the term dance loosely because they look like they are having some sort of seizure while wiggling their long necks and bodies, moving all over the place. Oh wait, that's how I look when I dance too. Another fun fact about Elvis & Priscilla (our emus), they are terrified of Aladdin the Peacock. Oh yeah they are big, bad, mean emus when new chickens, ducks, or cats enter the barnyard but throw a male peacock in the mix and they no longer rule the roost. Never mind that they are 5 times the size of the peacock. Sissies.

Pretty Kitty

This is one of many kittens running around. We have some trampy mama cats that's all I'm saying. Truth be told I'm not much of a cat person, but who can resist adorable kittens? I try not to get emotionally attached to the outside kittens but the kids name each and every one of them. Depending on the wildness of the kitten determines how inspired the name they give it is. This one for example, is pretty wild so it's name is Tabby Kitty. The tamer ones get names like BlazePaw or TBone or my personal favorite, Raven Kit. Seriously.

And Then There Were Three....

Aladdin & Jasmine the peacock couple recently became first time parents. We have been dreaming of this day since their marriage last spring. We discovered Jasmine sitting on 5 eggs in the hayloft of the old barn a little over a month ago. Since this was our first peacock birthing experience, we climbed up in the loft every couple of days to check on her and see if she needed any assistance. (Someday maybe I'll show you the pictures of me climbing up there, twasn't pretty, twasn't pretty at all.) Turns out she had it covered...literally. My google research showed that it takes about 28 days for the eggs to hatch so we waited patiently. One day 2 weeks ago when the kids went to check on her they found egg shells. Shortly after that, they discovered Mama Jasmine strutting around with 3 chicks following her. We caught them and put the 4 of them in a confined area to protect them from raccoons and other predators. Two of them must've talked back to their mama or misbehaved because they were trampled by her. Natural selection maybe? Disturbing yes? We have one chick remaining (talk about playing favorites) and have high hopes for it. We decided to take Jasmine and her chick out of the confinement as maybe that attributed to her crushing her own children. Aladdin is adjusting well to fatherhood and was camped out next to the pen. Now that they are out wandering about he can always be found nearby. He'll go socialize with the other animals in the barnyard, terrorize the emus, and then go back to be with his wife and baby. It's so sweet. I haven't seen him change any diapers yet though.

In the next installment of the "The View from the Zoo" I'll introduce you to a New Age bunny family, a smiling horse, and more. Try not to be too excited.

I'd Like To Check You for Ticks & Other Tidbits

Is it weird that I enjoy the planning and packing for vacations nearly as much as I do taking them? Yeah I thought so. Oh well, that's me, Type A Planner, what can you do? I'm taking time out of my busy packing to bring you a few bits of information.

1) The best way to remove a tick is to flip it over and pull it out the opposite way. This ensures that you get it all. No credit card or matches needed. Which is good because frankly, I don't trust myself with matches that close to my childrens' heads. I just learned this trick this summer and felt it my civic duty to share with you.

And this picture doesn't really have to do with anything other than this is probably where he got the tick that I found on his adorable little head that I exercised this very tick technique on. Tick removal=successful. Getting any of my children to be happy about having their picture taken=unsuccessful.

Now on to items totally unrelated to ticks......

2) Go here and make these immediately http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2007/07/bacon-wrapped_j/ and then for dessert make this http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2009/06/another-pie/. And then save me some of each because they are my new favorite things. I've become famous 'round these parts for the bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers (thanks Pioneer Woman), they are SOOO good and fairly easy. Don't let the jalapenos scare you, as long as you get the white vein and all the seeds out they aren't that spicy (usually). Word of advice though, wear gloves when dealing with the jalapenos. I tried every home remedy known to man, from washing my hands in milk to slathering them with butter then honey, to dipping them in ice water, after I made these the last time. My hands were on FIRE and nothing worked. Finally, I just cried myself to sleep and dreamt about how delicious the poppers would be when we ate them the next day, and they were, so it was worth it. No pain no gain. And the peanut butter pie, oh my. Remember my obsession with Reese's eggs? This pie just might fill the void in my life (and pants) til next Easter. Yummy.

3) Make the jalapeno things for an appetizer, the pie for dessert and these for your main dishhttp://mykitchencafe.blogspot.com/2008/03/shrimp-enchiladas.html. And then email me and tell me how much you love me for making you a hero to your family and friends. These are simply to die for. I usually leave out the red pepper and the tomatoes (gag me) so feel free to modify to your tastes. I consider myself part Mexican (WHAT...... you've never seen a blonde haired, green eyed chica before?!?) given my love of Mexican cuisine. And these bad boys are better than ANY seafood enchilada I've had in the many Mexican restaurantes I've visited in my day. I wish I had paid attention in my 4 years of Spanish class so I could say I love these enchiladas in Spanish but no habla espanol. Just know that I REALLY REALLY love these.

I'm all about educating and informing you. And with that I'm going to resume my packing. Vacation starts in 2 days, 3 depending on how you count. I promise at least one more post of interest before we leave. Scratch that..I mean I promise to at least post one more time before we leave, whether or not it's interesting...well, no guarantees.

Field Mice & Fireworks: A 4th of July Recap

I've finally simmered down enough about my White Trash Bash experience to begin blogging logically again. Please excuse my random rants and ravings, it's how I roll. Apparently, I revealed a side of the Prairie Princess that frightened some of you and for that I apologize, but it's who I am. Thankfully, the scary, mean PP doesn't come out very often. Consider yourself warned though. :)
I will now resume my regular rant-free blogging. I wish I could say rodent free blogging but unfortunately that's not the case...
We celebrated the 4th of July at our friends', Annette & Jerry's house, along with all of their family and a lot of our other friends. All was well until the demon children, I mean GI Joe's kids discovered a field mouse stuck in a basement window well. Dakota the Explorer decided to help "rescue" it from the window well as it appeared to have fallen in and couldn't get out. But her brother, Bucifer, I mean Blade, thought it would be fun to pick up the mouse by the tail and bring it to the driveway where everyone was sitting around chatting. Fun fact about me...I HATE MICE! I was sitting on the opposite side of the circle from where Blade was and immediately started getting the heebie jeebies as he was showing everyone else. He got the typical, adult like responses from the others there, "yuck where did you find it?" or "how did you catch a mouse?". I was coping okay since he was a safe distance from me UNTIL my ever so loving husband said to Blade, "why don't you show Mommy?", knowing full well that I had already seen the stupid thing and was already considering running for safety. The moment he said that Blade's eyes LIT UP and you could see the mischief forming in his young mind. THEN he came running towards me holding that disgusting, beady eyed varmint by the tail, and I, being the cool, calm, collected farm girl that I am TOOK OFF RUNNING AND SCREAMING DOWN THE CUL DE SAC!!! I was running towards GI Joe's truck so I could lock myself in until my children (oh yeah Dakota and Ryder joined in the fun) grew bored of torturing their mother EXCEPT IT WAS LOCKED! The jury is out on whether or not GI Joe hit the button to lock it as I was running towards it because he's just THAT mean and wrong, or it was locked all along...I have my theories. Let me just say at this point, there were approximately 30 people (some I know well and some I'd just met that day) standing in Annette & Jerry's driveway watching this all go down and laughing hysterically. There might've even been a few of the neighbors that came out to see what all the ruckus was about, I was too worried about saving my own life to notice. But not ONE of the many bystanders offered any support or help, thanks guys, thanks alot, love you too. By the time I reached GI Joe's truck the kids were right behind me, enjoying themselves quite immensely and STILL holding that stupid mouse. I was on one side of the truck, begging and pleading with them to have mercy on their poor mother and to take the mouse far, far away from me. Then by some stroke of luck or an act of God, Blade dropped the mouse, providing me with a window of opportunity to escape. I made a run for it back up towards the house figuring I'd lock myself in the bathroom until the mouse was long gone. The kids caught the mouse AGAIN but when they started back towards the house, their father GI Joe finally decided to act responsibly and tell them to put it down. Wow, great timing there GI Joe and wise move for the sake of your marriage. It was a good thing I was able to stop running because I was near cardiac arrest. Sidenote: I DON'T run. While I was usiing the paddles of life on myself, GI Joe and some other guys were helping the kids release the mouse into the wild and the mouse bit Blade on the hand. I was less than sympathetic and all, "huh too bad, that's what you get for doing that to your mother" while members of Jerry's family were already creating Blade's treatment plan for rabies. They were very concerned about Blade contracting rabies from the field mouse and telling me I needed to call the doctor on Monday to get him in for a rabies shot. Judge me if you want but the whole time I was thinking, "SCORE if he has to get a shot then that will definitely teach him to pick up rodents and scare his mother with them." Before you call DHS, please note that Blade wasn't even complaining about the bite hurting, I think he thought it was cool, and also I did call the doctor's office today and no shot is needed as field mice usually don't carry rabies and we would've known if it did...so there. :)

Other highlights of our 4th of July that did not involve rodents:

*Jerry explaining to his elderly mother a hand sign that kids do these days that means something very vulgar and bad. She asked. Truth be told, I had to google it on my phone because I didn't know either. SO WRONG and no, I'm not telling you what it is.

*My children telling Annette to turn down the music because we were playing the New Kids CD and having a dance party in the driveway with our fellow NKOTB fans (heeey Lexi, Brooke, & Molly!). And then in an act of utter defiance, Blade looked right at her and told her "Donnie sucks." And with that I relinquished my parental rights. How can I be a mother to children who would say such things about New Kids?

*The full on fireworks war that we WON against the other houses in the neighborhood. The house behind them started shooting off a few fireworks which prompted Jerry & his brother in law to start their display, and they are nearly pyrotechnic professionals so clearly our display was SOOOO much better than the other houses. Every time another house in the development would shoot off a firework, the crowd at our party would "boo" or yell things like "is that all you got?" and then Jerry would launch an even bigger and better firework and we'd carry on like he'd just cured cancer. We are a very mature group, obviously. But seriously, our fireworks were so much prettier than everyone else's. I think the small town near them might've cancelled their display after they saw Jerry's work and realized theirs would be an embarrassment compared to it.

*Jerry's mom. I want to be just like her when I grow up and am in my 60's and 70's. Her children cringe when she meets new people because no one ever knows what she's going to say. Personally, I LOVED it. Within 5 minutes of meeting GI Joe & I for the first time she told us she'd heard we were "good Baptist people" and "why don't we take Doug (our single friend) to church with us to meet a nice Baptist girl?" Awesome. Later in the evening, she basically told Doug & I that Annette & Jerry's friends (US) were fat, lazy slobs. She was telling us that Jerry's sister and husband are really into working out and even have a group of friends that get together and work out with them, and Jerry & Annette just eat wings with their friends. PRICELESS. In her defense, she had just seen me attempt to run, she may have a point. Man, I love that woman.

*McDreamy getting schooled in basketball by the Koons kids. He'd probably have a different story but I just call it like I see it. At one point while they were playing, Blade looked at him and said, "Can I just call you McDreamy?" If that's not trash talking, I don't know what is.

*Was subjected to Jerry playing some old school country music, including Roger Miller? and singing every word to us until 1950 called and asked for their music back.

All in all, with the exception of the Mouse Madness it was a fantastic 4th of July. Thanks Jer & Annette for being the hostesses with the mostest. I'll go ahead and RSVP for next year now..wouldn't miss it!

White Trash Bash

If you are someone who likes to do any of the following at a supposed family event: a) wear little to no clothing regardless of your size b) get drunk and act like an idiot c) get in a knock down brawl over FREE t-shirts d) get drunk and act like an idiot, oh did I mention that already? My bad. This post will probably offend you and I'm okay with that.

For the past 3 summers our local country radio stations have put on what's called the Big Country Bash where they bring in 7-10 country artists, some up and coming and some big names, to a huge park for an all day outdoor event. We went 2 years ago and it was an enjoyable day just sitting outside, soaking up the sun, and enjoying some good music. This year one of Blade's favorites, Bucky Covington of American Idol fame, was one of the names in the lineup. The rest of the lineup really didn't interest me but I told him I would take him to see Bucky. Tickets were cheap and kids got in free so why not? It was the least I could do since I had abandoned my family for a 2 day NKOTB road trip adventure, ahhh New Kids, oh sorry, I'm easily distracted. Anyway, Bucky was one of the last 3 to perform so we didn't have to go til late in the day.

I should've seen the writing on the wall when Blade and I walked right up to the gate and went right in while the Security Guard chatted with his girlfriend. So glad I paid $21 for the ticket when I could've just walked right in. Neat.

Because Blade is my son he wanted to be as close to the stage as possible, that's how we roll. There were thousands of people there, many of whom had lawnchairs set up and had claimed their space early in the day. We finally made it thru the maze of barely dressed crazies and wound up standing right in front to the side of the stage. It was prime real estate. Picture with me if you will, people and their lawnchairs, who have been sitting out in the sun all day drinking way too much beer since it was more easily accessible than water. Seriously, ONE water vendor for 15,000 people while beer vendors aplenty. Something is definitely wrong with that picture. Now imagine those dehydrated, drunk people acting stupid. I'm not stretching you am I? I knew it. Now keep that picture in your mind you'll need it for the rest of the story.

As soon as we found our spot we stayed put and waited for Bucky to take the stage. In the meantime I was able to teach Blade some valuable life lessons. First, the radio deejays took the stage and threw some free t-shirts out into the crowd. About 4 feet to our right side was a woman and her family sitting in a chair and in front of her were 2 other woman. The shirt came their direction and the ones in front went for it but the one sitting down, stood up and got in on the action and got it away from the ones standing up. While most thought it was JUST a t-shirt these mamas thought it contained the sweat of Elvis because a full on brawl ensued over a T-SHIRT. Seriously! Words were exchanged which required me to cover Blade's ears because they weren't pleasant, and then before I knew it, the one sat back down and grabbed the one standing up yelling by the tank top and yanked her down so they could be face to face where she screamed some more unpleasantries at her. Sidenote: These were some big mamas so let's just say when the tank top was grabbed and pulled down, "stuff" came flying out. Real class acts I tell ya. So as you can imagine that just fueled the fire and chairs started flying, until FINALLY Security managed to walk the eight feet from where they were "guarding" the entrance to the buses and break up the fight. Do you see a theme here? Security was not exactly top notch. They escorted the females (I refuse to call them ladies) away for questioning and eventually when they came back the one that ended up with the t-shirt had been asked to leave. I kid you not, as she and her family were packing up their chairs she got the last word in when she yelled at the females she'd been fighting with earlier, "At least I got the t-shirt !#%*@." Really? REALLY? It probably didn't even FIT any of them.

Blade's Life Lesson #1: Pick your battles and never marry a woman that would behave like that or your Mama will kill you.

Then, as if Blade hadn't already seen more than his innocent eyes should have, there was more. A group of ahem...interesting people had set up a circle of chairs right to the right of the stage. In this circle were several shirtless men who did NOT sport the Jordan Knight chiseled abs and chest, but instead looked like they were carrying a pony keg around their belly. Blech. They were extremely inebriated and were doing all kinds of dirty dancing moves in the center of their circle of chairs that made me vomit in my mouth. One of the guys, kept holding his LIT cigarette in his BELLY BUTTON while he drank his beer. I am not making this stuff up. Also, in the "circle" was a woman who we'll call the Drunk Desperate Housewife (DDH for short), who looked about 45 trying to be 20, with her frosted hair, French manicure, miniskirt, and halter top. She was the one policing the circle and yelling at anyone outside of their circle that tried to cross thru it or got to close to their chairs while trying to go around. The problem was that they were set up in such a bad spot that it was impossible for people not to have to get close or cut thru. She was annoying me from the time we got to our spot. She didn't say anything to me because we were behind their chairs and over a little bit, and also because I look so tough and mean, obviously. But then a kid of about 19 and his girlfriend, came up and were standing in front of me. I was holding Blade as the concert had just started and with all the pushy, half nekkid, drunk people he couldn't see just by standing on the ground. Apparently, the kid was crowding DDH's chair so she got up, turned around and got in his face, screaming at him. The kid was just standing there looking at her like "Dude, what's your problem." She must not have liked something he said or the way he looked at her because before I knew it she threw her entire glass of beer on him. Except not just on him because Blade and I were standing right behind him so guess what? We were showered as well. Oh uh uh. I am about the most laid back, fun person you'll ever meet at a concert but that's crossing the line, especially when I'm holding my 7 year old son. After she threw the beer she stomped off to refill her beer. But she'd ticked off my inner Mama Bear so I put Blade down, told him to stay put, and I went after her. I caught up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and when she turned around, she saw the fury and we had this conversation:

Me: "EXCUSE ME YOU JUST THREW BEER ALL OVER ME AND MY 7 YEAR OLD SON. WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING?"

DDH: "Uh...uh....uh....I didn't mean to get it on you I was talking to that kid."

Me: "I don't care who you meant to get it on, that was uncalled for."

DDH: "He was too close to my chair and that's our area."

Me: "I don't care if he was sitting on your chair that's ridiculous. You need to tone it down lady. You don't OWN that piece of land, and can't tell people where they can and cannot stand. I think you either need to sit down and shut up** or you need to leave before you tick me off anymore. Some of us are here to enjoy the concert and you're so drunk you don't even know what you're doing."

**shut up is a naughty word in our house and I never say it, that I used it in this scenario is an indication of my anger level

DDH: (deer in headlights look) "Uh...uh...uh....I'm sorry about getting beer on you."

Me: "As you should be, now get out of here."

And I went on my merry way back to my son, who was looking at me with a whole new appreciation like, "Whoa you don't want to mess with my Mama." I don't get that way very often but when I do look out. DDH took my advice and was packing up to leave but not before she told her belly button smokin' friend and another guy that the kid had gotten smart with her. So here we are again, the kid is standing in front of me and these 2 drunk guys come up and start getting in his face for making DDH upset. I felt sorry for the kid and by this point these drunk people were REALLY REALLY getting on my nerves and I was on a roll so I figured why stop now? I went ahead and got right in the middle of their conversation and told them that the kid hadn't done anything but stand there and that they needed to take their drunk girl home before she got hurt. And believe it or not they did exactly what I told them to do. I think they heard that I'm a tough farm girl and wrestle goats for fun.

Blade's Life Lesson #2-Don't drink and dirty dance.

Blade's Life Lesson #3-Don't drink and smoke with your belly button.

Blade's Life Lesson #4-How 'bout just don't drink?

Blade's Life Lesson #5-My Mama is one tough chic.

By this time I had had about enough of the White Trash Bash and was relieved when Blade looked at me and said, "OK Mommy we can go now," even though Bucky wasn't completely done with his set. But we didn't leave before Bucky sang his song titled, "I'll Walk" and I looked over in the crowd and saw this....

The irony of it wasn't lost on me but ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Now don't get me wrong I'm totally not making fun of the fact that there was an amputee in the crowd. But I am making fun of the fact that this person would actually remove their prosthetic and hold it up during the "I'll Walk" song. I'm sure Bucky was thinking, "Dude? I'll give you an autograph but please put your leg back on."

And that was our cue that we were totally out of our league and it was time for us to go. And somehow when we pulled in the driveway next to the Peacock Crossing sign with the sounds of roosters crowing and sheep baaing in the background, I felt at peace with our redneckness. Because I know there are some things even us rednecks won't do.

Please Don't Go New Kids (Part 2)

I’m on the slow road to NKTOB Concert Recovery. What a rough road but I think I’m finally starting to come out of it.

A few other items of interest (at least to Annette and I) from the concert and return trip home:

*The teenage girls sitting next to us came only to see that kid, Jesse McCartney. They stayed for a few minutes of New Kids but decided it was too loud and they didn’t like all the screaming so they left. The couple in front of us also left partway thru New Kids for the same reason…just too loud. All I have to say to those people is LIGHTWEIGHTS, HELLO YOU’RE AT A NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK CONCERT NOT MICHAEL BOLTON!” People, tsk tsk.

*We never did get “discovered” because of our shirts and hats. Honestly, we didn’t see anyone being chosen to go back stage. I think it was hype. Either way we still looked good.

*The New Kids did a short but heartfelt and moving tribute to Michael Jackson. They talked about how if it hadn’t been for Michael Jackson there would be no New Kids as he really inspired them and opened the door to pop music in the 80’s. Then Donnie did some “Billie Jean” moves and Annette died a blissful death. To Michael Jackson wherever you are (and I have my suspicions)-Thank you for Thriller one of the greatest music videos of all time, for some fantastic music before you became so out there, for the moonwalk that I wish I could do, but most importantly for inspiring and leading the way for our New Kids. P.S. While those are awesome accomplishments, Dude, you were weird . P.P.S. That Pepsi commercial still gives me nightmares.

*Beer was $11.00 at the concert making me thankful that I am a dry Baptist. I’d much rather spend my money on NKOTB buttons and posters!

*The New Kids gave it their all for over 2 hours. It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. The energy in that pavilion and of the thousands and thousands of people there was incredible. Say what you want about New Kids on the Block, just don’t say it in front of me, but they can out-entertain about any other artist out there. That’s my unbiased, informed opinion of course.

*Twitter is of the devil, especially since we follow all 5 of the New Kids on it and were checking it obsessively the duration of the trip to Chicago and after the show to find out their thoughts and where they were headed to next. It’s an addiction, please set up an intervention, thank you.

*Security Guards at Tinley Park can bite me. Ooops, was that too harsh? TOO BAD THEY WERE EVIL!!! The tour buses were parked behind a wooden fence. After the show, we did what any devoted fan would do and made our way to the gate in the fence where the buses would pull out. Hoping that the New Kids, or at least some of them would come out for a visit before they got on their buses, or at the very least be able to wave at the buses when they drove out of the fenced area. Remember Des Moines and how we met Donnie and he begged us to go on the road with them? Anyway, from following them (obsessively) on Twitter we know that NKOTB actually enjoy meeting their fans and encourage people to wait for them so they can get face time. Apparently the Security Guards hadn't received the memo and had no idea what the New Kids were about. I use the term Security Guards loosely, as we're talking about college aged kids w/ the head security guard being a girl who was approximately 2 feet tall. Not exactly intimidating if you know what I'm saying. After we stood there for all of about 5 minutes, they told us all to leave. We, of course looked at them and laughed because really they had to be joking. The longer we stood there the angrier they got and the more forceful they tried to be. We were moving away and decided to just wait in another area of the parking lot. But 2 Foot (that's our nickname for her) didn't like that and started getting REALLY REALLY angry, screaming things like "They are NOT coming out, you all need to leave immediately or we will have squad cars up here" and "If you're still here in 5 minutes you'll be considered trespassing and WILL be fined or put in jail." Then the other security guards who were slightly taller, yet no more intimidating, thought they needed to sound tough too so they started yelling and getting really pushy. You may or may not know this about me, but I do not respond well to being yelled at and treated like I'm part of a herd of cattle. I bit my tongue as long as I could but just couldn't take it anymore. I'm only human. So I yelled at Two Foot that she needed to tone it down and also that she was 2 foot tall (just stating the facts). I don't know that she heard me because I wasn't the only one yelling at her and she was in an extremely heated conversation with another fan. Then I had a heart to heart with one of the frat boy Security Guards. He wasn't AS grouchy as 2 Foot, still no Prince Charming but I was able to have a somewhat reasonable conversation with him. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "Are the New Kids aware of how you guys are handling the Security out here? They typically like to meet their fans after a show."
FBSG (Frat Boy Security Guard): "The show ended half an hour ago, if they were gonna come out they would've by now."
Me: "So they don't know?"
FBSG: "If they were gonna come out they would've been out by now."
Me: "Wrong. They have to shower and get cleaned up and it usually takes at least 45 minutes to an hour. I know this because we've been to several other shows and that's how it works."
FBSG: "They aren't coming out."
Me: "They have to come out sometime. I bet you don't follow them on Twitter do you? Cuz if you did you'd know that they WANT to meet their fans and they WANT their fans hanging around their buses when they come out of the arena."
FBSG: "They AREN'T coming out, and we will have squad cars up here any minute so you all need to leave."
Me: "This is a crock. When the New Kids finally do come out and are upset because there are no fans around I want you and Two Foot to tell them it's your fault, that we tried, but that you all chased us away. They will not be happy. And don't think we're not going to tell them about it on Twitter."
And with that I stomped off as he was calling for squad car backup. PUHLEASE PUNK.
We loitered (as 2 Foot so threateningly called it) for a while longer and finally decided there was no sense going to jail if we still wouldn't be able to meet the New Kids. It was a very adult like decision and frankly, kind of boring. :) But we didn't lose hope...yet.

*Because we are Twitter followers, we know that in the recent past at least a couple of the New Kids have been known to go to a local Waffle House or other restaurant and hang out with the fans after a show. It usually starts by Donnie (Annette's NKOTB husband) sending out a "tweet" saying where they are heading and to be there. Then madness descends on whatever establishment they are headed to and they show up and the fans have the time of their life. We held hope they would do the same in Chicago. After all it was a Friday night. So we waited...and waited....and waited....for that magical tweet. And there was....NOTHING. When they finally did "tweet" they were on their way to their next concert stop in OH, no Waffle House or Denny's stops. It was devastating.

*Headed home the next morning in a gloomy mood as we started coming down off the NKOTB high. Discovered a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins combo store on our way out. It was so bright and cheerful, decorated in pink and orange. I grabbed a handful of pink plastic spoons as souvenirs, they were so pretty. But really a Dunkin' Donuts AND a Baskin Robbins all in one store? Pure genius! It was one of the few bright spots in an otherwise gloomy day, well that and our stop at the outlet mall, oh and getting home to our families. :)